"There are some ugly people in the world," Mack said, shaking his head as he looked out of the kitchen and into the lobby of the restaurant, where a herd of revolting individuals had just entered the lobby. He turned the steak on the grill. "I mean, not that I think I'm a top-notch-looking guy or anything, but damn."
Gary looked over at him. "Well I, for one, think you're quite fetching."
"Don't get any ideas," Mack replied, pointing his spatula at him disapprovingly. "You're not ramming your twenty-first digit in my rump."
"Dude, I was kidding."
Mack looked away. "Well, now I'm just hurt, you insensitive tease."
"If I were a girl," he said, shrugging, "maybe."
Nodding, Mack put down the spatula. "That's sweet. But now I feel a slight case of homophobia coming on."
"Worry not. It will be the only thing coming on you. Or in you, for that matter."
Mack laughed. "Clever."
A moment of silence ensued, and Mack could tell his comrade was thinking something and it would only be a matter of time before he spoke up. As was nearly always the case, Gary did not disappoint him. Turning to Mack, he asked, "If you were a girl, would you fuck you?"
He shrugged. "Well, that depends."
"No," Gary said mockingly, "its a pretty simple question."
"No, it's not. Its a vague, ambiguous scenario, that's what it is. And the fashion in which I'd answer depends greatly on the specific details of this hypothetical situation. I mean, for instance, if I were a girl, would I be in the same league as not-girl me? Just as attractive?"
"Let's say yes."
"And in this hazy fucking world of yours, would I be the girl and also me?"
"Huh?"
"Would I be me as I am now as well as a girl version of me, or would someone else be man-me as I was girl-me?"
"You'd be you. I don't get it."
Mack was getting frustrated now. "The question was whether or not I'd fuck me if I were a girl, which I assume means that a male me exists and a me-girl exists. But come on, man; its not all physical. I don't think true attraction ever really is, so this is very important. I'm not shallow. I like women with a great deal of substance, even if I want sex and not just a relationship, all right? And if I was a girl-me and approached a guy-me, it would be the same way, meaning I'd be looking for a guy with substance that resonated with my own. So the nature of the soul of both male-me and female-me are of utmost importance here. So in terms of substance, are we the same, despite our gender difference?"
"Oh, I get it," he said, nodding. "Makes perfect sense. Okay. Let's say that you would be the girl as well as you as you are now in, you know, terms of substance."
"All right. Then since our characters would by necessity resonate, as we would be the same person in terms of personality or soul or whatever, of course I'd fuck me. Even if I was ugly. Either of me would want to fuck the other me if it was up to me, and by definition it would be, because I would greatly sympathize with myself. I need to get laid, so of course I'd fuck me. No question there. There is, however, a more plaguing question."
"With that being what?"
"Well, in me-me and me-girl fucking, would that constitute sex or merely masturbation?"
Gary thought a moment. "Well, sex. There are two bodies."
"Ah yes, but I'm both of them. Masturbation is the act of sexually stimulating oneself, and this would no doubt be the ultimate act of doing so."
"Interesting," he said. "I guess I don't really have an answer to that one. I must say I'm pretty disgusted that you'd fuck a girl you, however."
Mack looked at him as if he were a madman. "You mean to tell me you wouldn't fuck a guy-you if you were a girl?"
He laughed and shook his head. "Dude, I would never fuck myself if I were a girl."
"Come on, you'd suck your own cock if you could, wouldn't you? How is this any different?"
"See, I wouldn't suck my cock if I could. I'm not you. Holy mother of piss and shit, man, you're totally disgusting."
"What's the big deal? It's not a far leap from a hand job to a blow job, and I know you've churned the Butterfinger before."
"Yeah, I've jacked off. What guy hasn't? But there's a cosmic-scale gaping fucking chasm of difference between gagging the subterranean phlegm eel and gargling my own passion paste, dude. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Chill. It's high in protein."
"So is eating insects, but you don't see my riding my motorcycle around with my mouth wide open, do you?"
"Well, that's different. First off, you don't have a goddamn motorcycle, though I find the thought of you riding one endlessly amusing. Secondly, those are bugs. I'm talking about your own body fluid. Totally different. I mean, come on, man, you ever swallow a loogie? Same thing."
"I don't drink my own piss and eat my own boogers and shit, do you?"
"Okay, let's eliminate the spooge as a factor. You wouldn't even put your own dick in your mouth?"
"No. Hell-fuck no, man. And for the record, I wouldn't put my foot in my mouth if I could, either."
"Obviously. That doesn't produce any pleasure, at least unless you're one of those foot fetishists, so I wouldn't blame you. But sucking your own dick, its got to feel a whole hell of a lot better, man. I mean, it's just like jacking off, only with your mouth. Nice, wet, warm. And no tendinitis."
"I don't fucking care, man. I wouldn't wipe my asshole with my tongue if I could, I'd still use toilet paper. And I wouldn't suck my own dick. And if there was a girl-me, damn it, I wouldn't fuck her, okay? I would never. Not ever. I'd kill myself first."
"Guy-you or girl-you?"
"Girl-me, okay? I'd kill girl-me."
"So would that be murder or suicide?"
"Dude, fuck yourself."
Mack laughed and turned his head, just staring at his friend and coworker.
Gary looked back at him, clearly agitated. "What? What the fuck are you looking at?"
"Was that intentional?"
"Was what intentional?"
Laughing again, Mack shook his head and looked away. "Never mind."
Gary looked over at him. "Well I, for one, think you're quite fetching."
"Don't get any ideas," Mack replied, pointing his spatula at him disapprovingly. "You're not ramming your twenty-first digit in my rump."
"Dude, I was kidding."
Mack looked away. "Well, now I'm just hurt, you insensitive tease."
"If I were a girl," he said, shrugging, "maybe."
Nodding, Mack put down the spatula. "That's sweet. But now I feel a slight case of homophobia coming on."
"Worry not. It will be the only thing coming on you. Or in you, for that matter."
Mack laughed. "Clever."
A moment of silence ensued, and Mack could tell his comrade was thinking something and it would only be a matter of time before he spoke up. As was nearly always the case, Gary did not disappoint him. Turning to Mack, he asked, "If you were a girl, would you fuck you?"
He shrugged. "Well, that depends."
"No," Gary said mockingly, "its a pretty simple question."
"No, it's not. Its a vague, ambiguous scenario, that's what it is. And the fashion in which I'd answer depends greatly on the specific details of this hypothetical situation. I mean, for instance, if I were a girl, would I be in the same league as not-girl me? Just as attractive?"
"Let's say yes."
"And in this hazy fucking world of yours, would I be the girl and also me?"
"Huh?"
"Would I be me as I am now as well as a girl version of me, or would someone else be man-me as I was girl-me?"
"You'd be you. I don't get it."
Mack was getting frustrated now. "The question was whether or not I'd fuck me if I were a girl, which I assume means that a male me exists and a me-girl exists. But come on, man; its not all physical. I don't think true attraction ever really is, so this is very important. I'm not shallow. I like women with a great deal of substance, even if I want sex and not just a relationship, all right? And if I was a girl-me and approached a guy-me, it would be the same way, meaning I'd be looking for a guy with substance that resonated with my own. So the nature of the soul of both male-me and female-me are of utmost importance here. So in terms of substance, are we the same, despite our gender difference?"
"Oh, I get it," he said, nodding. "Makes perfect sense. Okay. Let's say that you would be the girl as well as you as you are now in, you know, terms of substance."
"All right. Then since our characters would by necessity resonate, as we would be the same person in terms of personality or soul or whatever, of course I'd fuck me. Even if I was ugly. Either of me would want to fuck the other me if it was up to me, and by definition it would be, because I would greatly sympathize with myself. I need to get laid, so of course I'd fuck me. No question there. There is, however, a more plaguing question."
"With that being what?"
"Well, in me-me and me-girl fucking, would that constitute sex or merely masturbation?"
Gary thought a moment. "Well, sex. There are two bodies."
"Ah yes, but I'm both of them. Masturbation is the act of sexually stimulating oneself, and this would no doubt be the ultimate act of doing so."
"Interesting," he said. "I guess I don't really have an answer to that one. I must say I'm pretty disgusted that you'd fuck a girl you, however."
Mack looked at him as if he were a madman. "You mean to tell me you wouldn't fuck a guy-you if you were a girl?"
He laughed and shook his head. "Dude, I would never fuck myself if I were a girl."
"Come on, you'd suck your own cock if you could, wouldn't you? How is this any different?"
"See, I wouldn't suck my cock if I could. I'm not you. Holy mother of piss and shit, man, you're totally disgusting."
"What's the big deal? It's not a far leap from a hand job to a blow job, and I know you've churned the Butterfinger before."
"Yeah, I've jacked off. What guy hasn't? But there's a cosmic-scale gaping fucking chasm of difference between gagging the subterranean phlegm eel and gargling my own passion paste, dude. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Chill. It's high in protein."
"So is eating insects, but you don't see my riding my motorcycle around with my mouth wide open, do you?"
"Well, that's different. First off, you don't have a goddamn motorcycle, though I find the thought of you riding one endlessly amusing. Secondly, those are bugs. I'm talking about your own body fluid. Totally different. I mean, come on, man, you ever swallow a loogie? Same thing."
"I don't drink my own piss and eat my own boogers and shit, do you?"
"Okay, let's eliminate the spooge as a factor. You wouldn't even put your own dick in your mouth?"
"No. Hell-fuck no, man. And for the record, I wouldn't put my foot in my mouth if I could, either."
"Obviously. That doesn't produce any pleasure, at least unless you're one of those foot fetishists, so I wouldn't blame you. But sucking your own dick, its got to feel a whole hell of a lot better, man. I mean, it's just like jacking off, only with your mouth. Nice, wet, warm. And no tendinitis."
"I don't fucking care, man. I wouldn't wipe my asshole with my tongue if I could, I'd still use toilet paper. And I wouldn't suck my own dick. And if there was a girl-me, damn it, I wouldn't fuck her, okay? I would never. Not ever. I'd kill myself first."
"Guy-you or girl-you?"
"Girl-me, okay? I'd kill girl-me."
"So would that be murder or suicide?"
"Dude, fuck yourself."
Mack laughed and turned his head, just staring at his friend and coworker.
Gary looked back at him, clearly agitated. "What? What the fuck are you looking at?"
"Was that intentional?"
"Was what intentional?"
Laughing again, Mack shook his head and looked away. "Never mind."
