FUCK YOU.

M

mona

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 23, 1999
Messages
2,334
Is there a large red neon sign on my head that says *SOUNDBOARD* ?
Are my ears shpaed in a large conical fashion that seems to pick up ANY minute sound within a 15km radius that MAY spell DEPRESSED?
Are you fucked up? Do you have any deeply embedded, life screwing issues that you just HAVE to natter on about for 15 hours straight?
Well come the fuck to me.
I'll listen. Hell I'll even fucking try to help you work through them. Not that you'll listen. Not that you'll appreciate ANYTHING that comes out of MY fucking mouth for what it's worth.
Oh no. YOU enjoy wallowing in your own self loathing and confusion. It's makes you happy. Did I say happy? Sorry, that's not in your vocabulary is it? And smiling just isn't one of your usual muscular activities is it?
NO. You'd just rather scowl and spill your problems in that pathetic way you do...TO ANYONE.
I'd sit and listen. I would. I did. I know now though. You didn't care it was me. You didn't care what I thought. I could have been fucking Bob Geldof's next door neighbour's FUCKING DOG. You didn't give a fucking SHIT who I was.
FUCK. You didn't notice, when by the 4th hour of listening to your repetitious analysis of your own problems, that I had SWITCHED OFF.
I tried. I would have been there for you. I would have. Instead I feel used. A sounding board. I watched you spill the same shit to anyone who would listen. RIGHT THERE, in front of me. I know, that you'll go home, and the next time ANYONE asks how you are...you'll tell them. Lucky them.
I tried to be there. I would have been there for you. The worst part about it is...I thought you were listening. I didn't realise until the 4th hour that you weren't. So I stopped too. You didn't notice.
How the fuck dare you! You didn't notice the tears well up in my eyes, not only out of pity for you...my poor friend, who is so screwed up. So fucked up in the head. So fucking screwed for the rest of your life...you didn't notice the tears of fear I was shedding. For myself.
I don't want to be like you. I was chanting to myself..please don't let me be like this. EVER. Let me take a gun and end the misery right now. I would. I promise myself this now. You're too far gone. Nothing can help you. I wouldn't want to be saved. You shouldn't either...actually, you dont want to be.
I know this now. I know you don't want help. You need total rebirth. You keep searching. That's why you're so fucked up. Fucked the fuck up. Completely. GOD! If I can't see the light at the end of your misery drenched tunnel...then how the fuck can I expect YOU to see it?
Stupid, naiive little 20 year old me. I had no idea.
I distance myself now.
Never again. You don't deserve my time. You would... I gave you myself, I did. You took that, wrung it for what it was worth, then you chewed me up, spat me out and took another deep breath when some fresh, virgin blood came along. So I heard it all again. I watched the fresh, virgin, blood reach my point of complete exasperation within 7 minutes.
YOU WORE ME OUT.
I'm sorry, I feel guilty now. You can't help it. It's not your fault. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain. You needed someone, I was there. What would have happened had I not been there? Would you have driven yourself off a cliff?
I bashed this out. You made me violent. FUCK YOU, you made me cry. You bashed me. It hurt. I'm hurt. You hurt me. You didn't mean it. I know. If only you did.
FUCK YOU for making me like this. FUCK YOU because you're proabably relieved of this for a short while...meanwhile I sit here amd la-fucking-ment over YOUR SHIT.
I love you. I don't want you to feel like this. I'm scared FOR you. I've seen 'depressed' people...that was nothing. Mere 'sadness' in the face of your screwed up beyond repair life. You SCARE me. I'm scared OF you.
I wish you could read this.
 
Mona, I plan on visiting Australia when I graduate which wont be for another three or four years, but when I do, just tel me where you live and i will go out of my way to come and see you and give you the biggest, warmest best hug you have ever had.
that is a promise straight from the Doc.
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If it seems as if I can roll harder than others, it is only because I have rolled on the shoulders of giants
 
Mona,
Sweetie, I wish there was something I could do! I know that this is hard to believe but I know how you feel. God, I cant believe we are on opposite sides of the world and we have so much in common...If you ever need anything...email me...I promise I will listen, I promise I won't shut you off...I know how badly it hurts!! Hang tough, Sweetie...You need to worry about you...You need to make you happy...You are the one with the good, pure heart. You are just angry and you have every right to be...If there is absolutely ANYTHING I can do let me know...
XOXO
Big hug for you!!
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Have fun and be careful!
Meg
 
Mona: Whoever you are referring to is this post needs help, none you can offer, don't exhaust yourself trying. Love hurts sometimes.....From reading this it doesn't sound like some kind of poetry, if it is, you have an excellent talent......keep posting it....Your a bright girl with a big heart and brilliant mind
If there's anything I can help with, email me anytime.
Much love to ya
[This message has been edited by Enerbunny (edited 13 January 2000).]
 
Mona, I too have had this mispleasure of dealing with such a person, and I too wish that they could read your post.
I also wish i could turn back the clock and retrieve those few hours of my life i wasted listening to their self pity.
***MEGA*** hugs sent your way, I know its not much, but I feel for you, and can relate to your situation so much!
Just be glad that they did shut up, and dont think about it again. People like that are beyond therapy, and need to get some serious reality slammed into them.
*HUGS* and *SMILES*
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Andromeda
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***This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities.***
 
mama... i know what you're going through i've always been on that end because i care too much... need to help everyone be happy b/c if you're happy then i'm happy... and when someone needs me i'm always there no matter what the situation may be no matter what boundaries i have to break through to get to you i'll be THERE... and it's so terrible when after all the exhausting shit you've gone through.. and all the dispar you're stuck with you were merely a tool... an ear... not even a shoulder to cry on because then the support and empathy is reciprocated... but just an ear... and then if that's not enough there's ingratitude... b/c they're so wound up in their own self pity that they don't notice that you too are huring for them and can feel them and want to help them heal...and want to hear that little sign of approval... that little glimpse of a smile just to see one tiny bit of the corner of their mouth turn upward... like saying thanx i know i'll get through this thanx b/c i can count on you and maybe some day you too can count on me for one of your troubles... my heart goes out to you b/c i know and i've also been there...
sweety i want you to know you can always count on me whenever you want to i'll be there... :) you can email me whnever you feel the need to and i'll always LISTEN to you...
i send you the biggest and warmest hug...
lots of love...
raverdoll.... :)
 
mona, I may have no idea what I'm talking about, but sometimes there is only so much you can do for someone.(especially when there's crystal meth involved
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) The rest is up to them. I may have been were that person is at one point, and had someone trying to help me out, but only I could do it, and it hurt her in the end. I asked for her help when it wasn't her help I needed and she only shared my pain. I hope everything works out ok.
 
Fucked the fuck up. I love that line.
Your posts are only becoming more interesting and/or fun Mona. I'm glad that you've decided to stick around, even when the vibe here has been down or everyone has had it out for you.
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It is a chemical imbalance right? Of course there is little you can do.
Good luck sorting through this dillema.
 
Um crystal meth?
No, no crystal meth involved. Just 200mg of Zoloft a day.
How can *I* compete with that?
 
Well have you seen the hello kitty vibrator? It worked for my mom.
 
geeze. I was hoping there was no crystal meth involved! I was about to shoot myself
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Pyro
 
Feal a bit better mona,
man wow,wow!!!if you still feal something for this person,which you do.Sounds like youve gone through enough crap allready.Have you spoken to this person,the way you have in your post.
It sometimes feals so much better,when you just blurt it out like that to the actual person.
Sound like he doesnt know how you feel,cause you wish he could read it.
Get it out,you will feal so much better.
Well thats just some advice.Hope thing get sorted for ya.
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pEacE LovE aNd HappinEss
Chaos
~OOOHugZOOO~
 
When I first saw the topic name, I thought, "Oh boy, now I get to make some smartassed statement about mona being bluelight's self appointed golden ray of sunshine"...or some other such nonsense.
In fact, I guess I should have posted nothing at all...what could I possibly say? I really know nothing about all this. I don't know if your post is just catharsis, or you wish for us to console you, or even wish that our insanity will rub off on you and you'll forget it all for just a moment...
I'm sorry for you mona...I'm sorry that our innocence is always plucked away, little by little in the most hurtful, heart-wrenching ways. I'm sorry that as important as each one of us feels we are, we can be replaced in the blink of an eye. I'm sorry that even when we have our head above water and concern in our heart, someone is always waiting and wanting to pull us down into their own private pit of hell. I'm sorry that the ones that really care are led down that path, hoping against hope that they can make a difference...only to be punished emotionally for the failure to save an already dead soul.
I'm very sorry for you mona. It's a terribly hard lesson to learn, and the ones that learn it are the ones who least deserve it.
*hug*
[This message has been edited by Mr. Sticky (edited 14 January 2000).]
 
FUCK THE WORLD. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.
Fuck anyone who's ever made me cry, because all you've done is make me stronger. Poor you.
All you've done is make me realise how relieved I am NOT to be you.
All you've done is make me realise how glad I am to be me.
All you've done is helped me learn to walk away from people like you ALOT sooner.
I'm stronger than you. I'm happier than you. AND I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks.
I don't give a fuck what 'teen angst' crap shit piss that you all indulge yourself in... I'm not living up to it.
I'm not going to glamourise depression. There is no 'ideal depression'. There is only you.
I'm not going to be you.
I'm going to be happy. I'm going to enjoy my life. I'm going to have fun.
I'm going to have so much fucking fun doing what *I* want to do, achieving what *I* want to achieve, making MYself proud.
My ambition:
TO FUCK EVERYONE ELSE AND BE FUCKING HAPPY.
(no not, fuck everyone else as in have sex with everyone else, althouh I'm sure it WOULD make alot of people extremely happy
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)
Anyway, that's it.
Oh yeah...and SUCKED IN to all the people who can't see how easy it is to be happy. It's not such a big fucking deal.
And I gotta stop saying FUCK so much. It's really unbecoming.
CHEERS
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mona.
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"Do The Jesus Thing"
Methyl-head, 14th Jan 200.
 
Mona, the hardest thing about being happy is STAYING happy around depressed, negative, synical people...
SO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM!!
if you can't protect yourself from their filthy energy then protect yourself by keeping clear. These kinds of people are on a different wavelength from you, vibrating at a slower speed.
if you can't speed them up then the'll have no problems slowing you down.
don't forget that even though it is an amzing feeling to help somone in need, YOU are the most important person on this planet.
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...u'll c it when u believe it...
 
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