Fuck I did it again

I managed to eat 48 300mg gabapentin pills in 3 days! In total I have eaten 88 of them in 8 days. Now I only have 12 left and I am not looking forward to the withdrawals. I think I am going to call and say they got stolen out of my car . Try to use the fact that people say they are not abusable to my advantage. My only qualm is that this same doctor writes me a small kolopin script that keeps me out of trouble at the methadone clinic and I don't want to burn that bridge....

This has been one of the worst weeks in recent memory. I have been driving around with my seatbelt off praying someone crashes into me and I die. This week has destroyed any lingering denial that I have a serious mental illness. I don't even remember the last time I showered it has too have been at least a week. The only time I leave the house is to go to the clinic, I drive there and back everyday. I think i am going to start smoking weed again as it tends to balance me out a little better. At least it makes me somewhat happy.

 

Things are looking better already! I was able to get my kpin script filled a week early. I don't feel as if the sky is falling now,

 

being on maintenance seems to be a depressing experience in general, even just the connotation of the word is miserable. it's like triage, just treading water hoping there are better days on the horizon...

 

Your right thujone it is somewhat miserable. If I had it my way I would have kept doing heroin but my family doesn't approve and I wanted to make them happy. Methadone is the best of a number of bad options for opiate treatment. Suboxone never did it for me and I would just sell my script for heroin money. I never could make rehab and abstinence work either. So I was left with methadone and it has worked pretty well at keeping me off heroin. The price is high though 550 dollars a month, drug testing, and time consuming counseling visits. Not to mention all the side effects of opiates with very little of the high. But at this point I am on such a high dose that I will probably be on it for the rest of my life.