Soooo... I need to vent lol.
I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't sure I actually knew how to feel anything anymore. I relapsed recently, and I've been struggling to get clean again since then... I thought the opiates were numbing my feelings. Yeah well last night was a huuuge fucking wakeup call. As it turns out, I can still feel... quite a bit... got my heart broken like hardcore for the first time in I don't even know how long. Saw one of my so-called "best friends" making out with the guy I like that I had been hanging out/hooking up with a lot recently. Yes, she knew I liked him. To make it even worse, this guy is someone who's going to be in my life - at least peripherally - whether I like it or not... he works closely with my brother, who I'm close with, and his sister is also one of my best friends. LOL. That might be a problem now... although I really wish it wasn't :/
So basically we were all at a club, my brother and the guy and our other two friends were DJing (this is my sober group of friends by the way), and I stood there and watched as he (we'll call him K) and my "best friend" (we'll call her M), got closer and closer to making out until I finally watched it happen... at which point I stormed out. A couple of my friends followed me and tried to make me feel better, but I was already bawling by that point. FUCKKK it hurt so bad I can't even. They succeeded after a while (I love them
) and I went back inside to try and salvage my night. It was hard to pretend I hadn't seen what I just had though, and I ended up confronting her... it almost turned into a fist fight but I walked away literally right as it was coming to that... we were already shoving each other and shit... but I didn't want to disrespect the venue my brother was playing at and make him look bad, so I just walked away. When I ran into M after that and he tried talking to me, I told him to leave me alone and to fuck off... he then took it to a whole new level and proceeded to tell me fucked up shit like, "Why don't you go do more drugs, junkie?" (I wanna know how the fuck he found that out by the way... not too hard to guess I suppose), and "You're a fucking slut" and that I'm a "bitch" and blah fucking blah. At that point, I got more upset about the way he was treating me than what I'd just seen, and my upsetness escalated to a whole new level... and I compensated by making out with some random. Nice. How classy.
But not really.
Anyway... sooo back on the party bus home, I was hella upset and crying and shit curled up on a window seat, trying not to talk to or look at anyone. At some point he came and sat down next to me and asked, "Dude... are you seriously mad at me?"
Um... is that a real question? Excuse me? What the fuck. OF COURSE I'M FUCKING MAD AT YOU, YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE DOUCHE. Omg. I pretty much just turned and gave him a look like he was out of his mind and said, "Are you serious?" and laughed and turned away.
So then a whole new round of disrespectful, hurtful comments ensued. It was so bad that people had to tell him to shut up and have some respect, and people were even bugging him to come talk to me. He was making himself look like a total fucking asshole, and you know what he still had the audacity to do?! He had the audacity to blow up my phone after I got home, bitching about how I need to get a life because I'm starting shit with him and my brother and it's unnecessary and whatever else he said. Which is bullshit because I never said a word to my brother about what was going on. How about the fact that you were calling his SISTER a bitch/slut/junkie/drug addict/etc. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM?! Because yeah. I'm PRETTY FUCKING SURE that's why he's mad at you. That's your own damn fault, not mine kthnx.
Sooo yeah. I've been pretty much crying on and off non-stop since I got home last night up until now, about 12 hours later. The first few hours after I got home were BAD, I didn't even sleep, I was crying soo hard and soo constantly - it literally was not stopping for anything lol I tried so many things to make myself feel better - that I actually went and crawled into my mom's bed to cuddle with her and cry. I NEEDED MY MOM TO COMFORT ME.
Fucking wow.
WOW.
Just wow.
I can't believe I'm wasting all this pain and suffering and bullshit and tears and anxiety and horrible feelings on someone so low. I'm done here I just needed to vent.
I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't sure I actually knew how to feel anything anymore. I relapsed recently, and I've been struggling to get clean again since then... I thought the opiates were numbing my feelings. Yeah well last night was a huuuge fucking wakeup call. As it turns out, I can still feel... quite a bit... got my heart broken like hardcore for the first time in I don't even know how long. Saw one of my so-called "best friends" making out with the guy I like that I had been hanging out/hooking up with a lot recently. Yes, she knew I liked him. To make it even worse, this guy is someone who's going to be in my life - at least peripherally - whether I like it or not... he works closely with my brother, who I'm close with, and his sister is also one of my best friends. LOL. That might be a problem now... although I really wish it wasn't :/
So basically we were all at a club, my brother and the guy and our other two friends were DJing (this is my sober group of friends by the way), and I stood there and watched as he (we'll call him K) and my "best friend" (we'll call her M), got closer and closer to making out until I finally watched it happen... at which point I stormed out. A couple of my friends followed me and tried to make me feel better, but I was already bawling by that point. FUCKKK it hurt so bad I can't even. They succeeded after a while (I love them
) and I went back inside to try and salvage my night. It was hard to pretend I hadn't seen what I just had though, and I ended up confronting her... it almost turned into a fist fight but I walked away literally right as it was coming to that... we were already shoving each other and shit... but I didn't want to disrespect the venue my brother was playing at and make him look bad, so I just walked away. When I ran into M after that and he tried talking to me, I told him to leave me alone and to fuck off... he then took it to a whole new level and proceeded to tell me fucked up shit like, "Why don't you go do more drugs, junkie?" (I wanna know how the fuck he found that out by the way... not too hard to guess I suppose), and "You're a fucking slut" and that I'm a "bitch" and blah fucking blah. At that point, I got more upset about the way he was treating me than what I'd just seen, and my upsetness escalated to a whole new level... and I compensated by making out with some random. Nice. How classy. But not really.
Anyway... sooo back on the party bus home, I was hella upset and crying and shit curled up on a window seat, trying not to talk to or look at anyone. At some point he came and sat down next to me and asked, "Dude... are you seriously mad at me?"
Um... is that a real question? Excuse me? What the fuck. OF COURSE I'M FUCKING MAD AT YOU, YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE DOUCHE. Omg. I pretty much just turned and gave him a look like he was out of his mind and said, "Are you serious?" and laughed and turned away.
So then a whole new round of disrespectful, hurtful comments ensued. It was so bad that people had to tell him to shut up and have some respect, and people were even bugging him to come talk to me. He was making himself look like a total fucking asshole, and you know what he still had the audacity to do?! He had the audacity to blow up my phone after I got home, bitching about how I need to get a life because I'm starting shit with him and my brother and it's unnecessary and whatever else he said. Which is bullshit because I never said a word to my brother about what was going on. How about the fact that you were calling his SISTER a bitch/slut/junkie/drug addict/etc. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM?! Because yeah. I'm PRETTY FUCKING SURE that's why he's mad at you. That's your own damn fault, not mine kthnx.
Sooo yeah. I've been pretty much crying on and off non-stop since I got home last night up until now, about 12 hours later. The first few hours after I got home were BAD, I didn't even sleep, I was crying soo hard and soo constantly - it literally was not stopping for anything lol I tried so many things to make myself feel better - that I actually went and crawled into my mom's bed to cuddle with her and cry. I NEEDED MY MOM TO COMFORT ME.
Fucking wow.
WOW.
Just wow.
I can't believe I'm wasting all this pain and suffering and bullshit and tears and anxiety and horrible feelings on someone so low. I'm done here I just needed to vent.
