From Within....

[silence]

A Person can only take so much before they go insane,right? I can feel myself falling over the edge into total craziness. My whole life I have been angry and I can feel my anger getting ready to end in one huge violent explosion. It's frightening and very liberating at the same time. In a way I cant wait for all the secrets to become front page news so I can unburden myself but I also have the sense to realize that as free as I may feel at the time Ill never survive the consequences. My heart beats faster everytime I think of my options. One, go on in secrecy until I go insane, Two,end my life and never have time to contemplate the consequences,Three,go away from all of this and try to begin again in total honesty,or Four,explode now and cause myself more pain and sorrow than my heart can bear,Obviously number three is the most appealing but Im a coward that can't even think about the pain it would cause I have to do something But What? My Heart can't take anymore and the isolation I feel is maddening. I've lost grip of myself. My own name means nothing to me. I don't know or even remember myself. Everything is so distantand way too close. My body has seperated from my soul. I can somehow hear me crying out inside of myself. I ran away from myself slowly inside and now that I've turned around to look back the me that used to be is gone. Somehow I need to reinvent him. I can't find that place where hope used to flood from. As I read back over these words panic quickens my pulse and I feel a sense of everything closing in on me, My soul can't breathe. My sense of Reality is falling apart. I always feel like asking someone how the hell I got here. Sometimes I wonder if other people feel this way but I know they don't because everyone views their life differently and I guess it would'nt matter if they did because there's no togetherness in isolation. Why didnt I notice the strands in my happiness rope coming undone? It seemed to happen so slowly that I didnt see it and now that I look back It seems to have happened all at once. The old saying of there's nowhere left to go but up seems to come to mind but I have no rope,stairs,or ladder to go up. Im stuck at the bottom crying for help so quietly that nobody can hear me. I've asked for help from whatever unseen,all knowing power that I believe exists but I am so hidden within myself that either I can't be heard or the zombie that I am now has overshadowed my true self. My heart is so open but the only thing I have inside me to feed it is poison. Im dying. Nobody see's,knows,or cares but Im dying. If I can't find a way to find myself again the hurt taker that is mostly me will take too much and swallow my small self whole. Death will come to the person I've become or the small part that is me Soon.
[ 02 February 2002: Message edited by: tj-e ]

 

[Mellabopper]

wow. this was very intense, powerful, and raw.
about the content of it -- i'm not sure what to say really. i really hope things get better for you. but what about an option of starting over - not in a new place, but right where you are. it's never too late to change yourself around. start living a more honest life. your life is what you make of it, and you have to let yourself help yourself. the only place to go IS up - but you don't need ropes or ladders or stairs. you just need to believe in yourself and take it slowly. this power comes 'from within' you - and no one else can pull you out of isolation except yourself. your outlook on the world and your life is what you make of it. it IS hard to change your life around, but it isn't completely impossible. go slowly. do one thing at a time. it will be hard at first but over time if you live the way you want to live, then it will become second nature. live your life as you want to live it. you are stronger than all of the problems that weigh you down - you just have to believe in yourself first (that's the hard part).
good luck with everything and keep your head up.
Mellabopper

 

[*Jamison*]

Tim, I absolutely loved this.

Im stuck at the bottom crying for help so quietly that nobody can hear me.
*Sighs*
I loved that line so much, actually, this whole was just very very good. I don't know what else to say, just that I absolutely adore you.
~Jamison

 

[@nG FienD]

This was amazing.. Things will get better for you.. trust me. You are a very special person and I am honored to call you my friend.

 

[YumYumgoddess]

I can so relate to this..I feel ya..and I dont really know what to say cept..keep your head up and fight for yourself!
Jen