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Heroin From love and support to hatred and depression - the junkie life

J

justme6263

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2012
Messages
299
God where do I start? I am 35 and a heorin addict and I am done with this shit. How did something that saved me and stopped me killing myself end up making me want to jump in front of the very first train I see? There is a darkness to this life that doesn't show itself until its too late, at first it is bliss and relief from the pain of waking up depressed on a daily basis and brings comfort. I wish I had never met this substance - its dark, evil is attached to it in a way I have never seen in another drug. Please anybody reading this - don't take that choice. Don't sign a contract which you can't just walk away from.
 
Sounds like you are ready for a detox facility or a psych ward for a medication opioid transition. Then follow up with NA & a sponsor. One just cannot wave the surrender flag then pull it down quickly. Each time it crushes self-esteem and just builds more guilt and shame.

You may need MAT and many do. Even so, go to NA and keep your medication routine to yourself. It is no one's business but yours.

The shit out there now is killing people and causing life lasting damage. The Heroin #3 & #4 days were bad in their own right but seem like light & joy compared to the fentanyl, tranq-dope, and Nitazine era.

You can do it. It takes acceptance, admitting being powerless & unmanageable, and truly wanting it each day. Even clean the lion hides behind the tree waiting for one bad decision, isolating one's self, thinking they have it all under control, and not working a solid program. Life is brutal and has no mercy and whatever is inside you driving the addiction wants you dead. Each day someone stays clean and gets smarter the addiction gets another day smarter.

I wish you the best of luck. Yet luck is not what you need. Support is what you need. 95% of your thinking ATM is fucked up and the other 5% needs to be run by your sponsor. Getting clean is the same as weathering a storm. The first 4 months one has to just hang on and find a way to cling on to others that are clean, at all costs. Your life depends on it.
 
You can just walk away from it. Just stop believing the lie you can't and accept you're going to be uncomfortable for a while. Opiate dependence is treatable. It's more of an annoyance than an actual problem but we turn into a problem simply because we don't want to feel uncomfortable for a few weeks when quitting. A real problem is something like a brain injury, getting paralyzed or an incurable disease. Opiate addiction is a breeze in comparison.
 
totally don’t make the choice. It’s better to just kill yourself like you said was your only other option vs trying heroin. I would’ve rather killed myself than discovered that opioids can stop physical pain. Now I’m stuck in this shit life of pain and opioid chasing.
 
justme6263 said:
God where do I start? I am 35 and a heorin addict and I am done with this shit. How did something that saved me and stopped me killing myself end up making me want to jump in front of the very first train I see? There is a darkness to this life that doesn't show itself until its too late, at first it is bliss and relief from the pain of waking up depressed on a daily basis and brings comfort. I wish I had never met this substance - its dark, evil is attached to it in a way I have never seen in another drug. Please anybody reading this - don't take that choice. Don't sign a contract which you can't just walk away from.
Click to expand...
Story as old as time
 
31 and been doing h for 20 years and yeah there is a point where you realize junkie life can be lonely and unfulfilling. If you want to keep doing it and get away from the depression phase you have to stop letting yourself fall to the point where you’re so miserable you end up isolating yourself, losing friends and stopping previously enjoyed hobbies and activities. That’s one of the main issues for heroin users is the fact that most of them eventually isolate themselves and then family relationships and friendships suffer, and the time you used to set aside for hobbies and socializing is replaced with getting high and staying isolated. whatever the reason is for this isolation, whether because of the shame of the habit or just in general needing to be in a safe closed off space to use and enjoy the drug, people lose track of time and fail to see the shambles their past social life has fallen into because of their drug usage. I reached the crossroads in terms of my usage when I became frustrated with being surrounded by terrible people who were definitely not model citizens just because I wanted to be around others the used in order to feel comfortable / less awkward because of the drug use. Also I really wasn’t actually allowing myself to have a healthy level of socialization and to enjoy old hobbies because I was around people who did nothing but f their heads all day. The loneliness really got to me and I realized I needed to make a serious decision and make something change. I weighed out in my head the pros and cons and whether I wanted to keep h in my life and determined I did, but that I wasn’t going to let it change my quality of life or become so much of an issue that I didn’t didn’t have time to enjoy old hobbies or up keep personal relationships. Yes, I lost a lot of friends and got disowned by some family but I realized that I lost the judgmental people in my life who were materialistically judging and gauging my whole worth just because of my drug use without taking any other aspects of my persona into consideration. I had to force myself out of my comfort zone and made myself go to different local functions that pertained to my non drug related interests and forced my self to make “normal” friends and eventually I met some people who accepted me for who I was regardless of my drug habit. Subsequently I forced myself to stay social and uphold and nurture those relationships. And additionally in regards to romantic relationships I had to do a cost plus benefit analysis of whether it was worth keeping h in my life. I had to come to terms with the fact that even though life is lonely at times, it is unfair to subject non drug users or recovering addicts to the idiosyncrasies associated with heroin use unless they are accepting of the habit and everything that goes along with it being around them. I had the realization that heroin itself is a scornful and possessive lover and does even if seemingly inadvertently push people out of your life whether being the holding judgment /having biases factor or the crossroads aspect where partners split because of one wanting to quit using and the other refusing to. I had to accept that I would pick the drug and stay single over jumping into just any romantic relationship until one came along that clicked because of either acceptance from the person or the person also being a user as well. That is a hurtful bit of shadow work to do but is the moral thing to do, admit that you are in love with the drug more than you are with another human being.
 
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