June 15, 2009 3:13am from cell at work
The solo path
The solo path
Current mood: scared
Category: Romance and Relationships
Ive had short lived romantic relationships that felt more like ships in the night or sometimes lastn up to 4 months, 4 wks, or 4-10 days. Half the time its not the guy that leaves, but me coz i end up feeln suffocated and drained after a couple days unless i have my own personal space restored. Unlike n e 1 else i no, there is no way i can conceive of bein married and all of a sudden not havn my own privacy/space any longer. No fone, mail, pc, drawer space or anything else that my partner would also be privy 2? How the HELL does the rest of the normal world put up with that!? Its something i simply cant comprehend. It has nothn 2 do w me wantn 2 say cheat on my partner or hide any deception. Ive never cheated on an exclusive lover, wouldnt dream of it 2 this day. Yet no matter who i live with, id require my own bedroom even if we had sex every nite or spent the nite n each others room. It does tend 2 spice up/did spice up our sex life big time simply by doin it n different rooms. I got MORE sex that way, & way less havn only 1 shared space. Of course most people would think im nuts not bein able 2 do wot 2 the rest of normal usa prolly doesnt think about-u marry means u merge ur space. I cant even conceive sharn a checkn account coz how the fuck am i 2 keep tabs on wot some1 else does-each time he may add or take out $? R u nsane? As a kid i always had my own room coz i was raised an only child. At 24 i got my own apartment, later if i lived w others, i still always had my own room. 2 this day, still do, yet doubt most dudes 4 pot serious relationship could ever understand, as no doubt my need 4 space is every bit a 4reign concept 2 them as merging n2 1 big permanent WE is 2 me. I love an crave nthmacy, am ntensely more passionate emotionally than most, yet am defo a true loner by the worlds standards. As much as i love 2 share ntimacy and love or friendship, there isnt a time n my life i recall not needn a huge amount of solitude, otherwise i feel completely used.
June 15, 2009 4:08am at work from cell
Mommy knows best
Current mood: relaxed
Category: Romance and Relationships
So Mom wanted 2 hook me up with this guy she said would be compatable with me. No 1 knows more about me than Mom and she knows exactly the kind of ntimate relationship i require-a long term part time relationship. If i have sex, i only want 1 partner, not several +! This is y most of my life most of my partners were married men. It wasnt that i couldnt find my own man, but simply difficult 2 find a long term part time man unless he was a toyboy. No thanks, experience and a bit more maturity r wot i want. Of course seein a married guy has its own set of annoyin problems, so 4 the most part, i simply gave up lookn after 2001. Mom knows this dude that lives 10 houses away where we live. His name is Conrad, he's 35 (a bit younger than i like) single, tall, goodlookn, unemployed, no ambition like me, lives with his very well off parents who give him spendn $, let him live there rent free, is an alcoholic, but fun lovn, great personality, thinks im hot & wants 2 hook up with me, likes 2 party 2 excess, laugh, and get laid. Mom is rite about him bein the type i could relate to/njoy. The thing that worries me is the possibility he'd come knockn at some nopportune time, say rite n the middle of me sweatn my ass off, eyes black & dilated 2 the hilt from Mr. Prick. If only he didnt live 2 close 2 home..Moms rite, she no me 2 well coz the kind of person that drinks or does n e thing, especially some chemical 2 excess, and does not care that i make piss poor wages and am basically lazy, damn rite i can & do relate very well 2 that kind of person, a very attractive loser, but fun, creative, ntelligent, & gifted, yet completely lackn n ambition and/or career status. A bum n an upperclass hood, xcept his folks will continue 2 give him $, w/o workn or payn rent, and let him drink alot and get laid. His folks told me this themselves. 4 the kind of arrangement i want, i cod give a rats ass if hes workn or not. Lol. Ma b rite, hes my type. He just lives a little 2 close 2 home thou..
June 15, 2009 4:12am from cell at work
Fantasy vs reality
Current mood: nervous
Category: Romance and Relationships
I stand corrected. Erik is the 1 & only partner that proposed marriage, yet seemed completely on the same page when i xplained my need 4 privacy & space. In that sense, it could have worked, but finances were against us, so we had 2 go our separate ways. To this day i still miss him and will always love him, no matter what. I feel better 2day, but fear the future. Whether sober or chemmed up, i cant 4 the life of me understand y makn a couple fone calls 2 probation & student loan dudes makes me freeze up at the thought of dealn w these annoyn fucks. Jesus what the hell is wrong w me? Thats the disappointn and scary flaw (1 of them) about me and ive never understood y. Am enjoyn the chems, but in the back of my mind is always the nagn ? Whats goin 2 happen 2 me? Oddly enuff a couple different times, my poetic ability returned, but both times didnt bother writn them down. There r so many ? I have about myself @ various times and have no idea what the answers r. Either that or maybe i dont want 2 no. I only wish i had the ability 2 remove my most annoyn damn flaws, the inability @ times 2 do what most normal people take 4 granted. And damn it is most irritating handicap. So what happens after i die, whenever that may be? I certainly DONT want 2 b forced 2 reincarnate coz i failed 2 overcome my own biggest obstacles, 2 many fears. Sometimes i overcome some, but usually avoid what i dont want 2 deal with or face. That, or run. My entire life ive almost always preferred 2 stay n the fantasies nside my head nstead of the reality of day 2 day existense. As far back as i recall i preferred the imaginative company n my head 2 that of most others. Usually.
The solo path
The solo path
Current mood: scared
Category: Romance and Relationships
Ive had short lived romantic relationships that felt more like ships in the night or sometimes lastn up to 4 months, 4 wks, or 4-10 days. Half the time its not the guy that leaves, but me coz i end up feeln suffocated and drained after a couple days unless i have my own personal space restored. Unlike n e 1 else i no, there is no way i can conceive of bein married and all of a sudden not havn my own privacy/space any longer. No fone, mail, pc, drawer space or anything else that my partner would also be privy 2? How the HELL does the rest of the normal world put up with that!? Its something i simply cant comprehend. It has nothn 2 do w me wantn 2 say cheat on my partner or hide any deception. Ive never cheated on an exclusive lover, wouldnt dream of it 2 this day. Yet no matter who i live with, id require my own bedroom even if we had sex every nite or spent the nite n each others room. It does tend 2 spice up/did spice up our sex life big time simply by doin it n different rooms. I got MORE sex that way, & way less havn only 1 shared space. Of course most people would think im nuts not bein able 2 do wot 2 the rest of normal usa prolly doesnt think about-u marry means u merge ur space. I cant even conceive sharn a checkn account coz how the fuck am i 2 keep tabs on wot some1 else does-each time he may add or take out $? R u nsane? As a kid i always had my own room coz i was raised an only child. At 24 i got my own apartment, later if i lived w others, i still always had my own room. 2 this day, still do, yet doubt most dudes 4 pot serious relationship could ever understand, as no doubt my need 4 space is every bit a 4reign concept 2 them as merging n2 1 big permanent WE is 2 me. I love an crave nthmacy, am ntensely more passionate emotionally than most, yet am defo a true loner by the worlds standards. As much as i love 2 share ntimacy and love or friendship, there isnt a time n my life i recall not needn a huge amount of solitude, otherwise i feel completely used.
June 15, 2009 4:08am at work from cell
Mommy knows best
Current mood: relaxed
Category: Romance and Relationships
So Mom wanted 2 hook me up with this guy she said would be compatable with me. No 1 knows more about me than Mom and she knows exactly the kind of ntimate relationship i require-a long term part time relationship. If i have sex, i only want 1 partner, not several +! This is y most of my life most of my partners were married men. It wasnt that i couldnt find my own man, but simply difficult 2 find a long term part time man unless he was a toyboy. No thanks, experience and a bit more maturity r wot i want. Of course seein a married guy has its own set of annoyin problems, so 4 the most part, i simply gave up lookn after 2001. Mom knows this dude that lives 10 houses away where we live. His name is Conrad, he's 35 (a bit younger than i like) single, tall, goodlookn, unemployed, no ambition like me, lives with his very well off parents who give him spendn $, let him live there rent free, is an alcoholic, but fun lovn, great personality, thinks im hot & wants 2 hook up with me, likes 2 party 2 excess, laugh, and get laid. Mom is rite about him bein the type i could relate to/njoy. The thing that worries me is the possibility he'd come knockn at some nopportune time, say rite n the middle of me sweatn my ass off, eyes black & dilated 2 the hilt from Mr. Prick. If only he didnt live 2 close 2 home..Moms rite, she no me 2 well coz the kind of person that drinks or does n e thing, especially some chemical 2 excess, and does not care that i make piss poor wages and am basically lazy, damn rite i can & do relate very well 2 that kind of person, a very attractive loser, but fun, creative, ntelligent, & gifted, yet completely lackn n ambition and/or career status. A bum n an upperclass hood, xcept his folks will continue 2 give him $, w/o workn or payn rent, and let him drink alot and get laid. His folks told me this themselves. 4 the kind of arrangement i want, i cod give a rats ass if hes workn or not. Lol. Ma b rite, hes my type. He just lives a little 2 close 2 home thou..
June 15, 2009 4:12am from cell at work
Fantasy vs reality
Current mood: nervous
Category: Romance and Relationships
I stand corrected. Erik is the 1 & only partner that proposed marriage, yet seemed completely on the same page when i xplained my need 4 privacy & space. In that sense, it could have worked, but finances were against us, so we had 2 go our separate ways. To this day i still miss him and will always love him, no matter what. I feel better 2day, but fear the future. Whether sober or chemmed up, i cant 4 the life of me understand y makn a couple fone calls 2 probation & student loan dudes makes me freeze up at the thought of dealn w these annoyn fucks. Jesus what the hell is wrong w me? Thats the disappointn and scary flaw (1 of them) about me and ive never understood y. Am enjoyn the chems, but in the back of my mind is always the nagn ? Whats goin 2 happen 2 me? Oddly enuff a couple different times, my poetic ability returned, but both times didnt bother writn them down. There r so many ? I have about myself @ various times and have no idea what the answers r. Either that or maybe i dont want 2 no. I only wish i had the ability 2 remove my most annoyn damn flaws, the inability @ times 2 do what most normal people take 4 granted. And damn it is most irritating handicap. So what happens after i die, whenever that may be? I certainly DONT want 2 b forced 2 reincarnate coz i failed 2 overcome my own biggest obstacles, 2 many fears. Sometimes i overcome some, but usually avoid what i dont want 2 deal with or face. That, or run. My entire life ive almost always preferred 2 stay n the fantasies nside my head nstead of the reality of day 2 day existense. As far back as i recall i preferred the imaginative company n my head 2 that of most others. Usually.