Fighting2Succeed
Greenlighter
Well, I am trying to get off heroin and I used to be part of the Suboxone treatment program. I had initially succeeded in the program but things started to go downhill when I hit this sort of dead-end where my doctor wouldn't tell me what I needed to do in order to begin tapering after 2 years in the program a small handful of dirty tests in the very beginning and 2 lapses that happened when my medication was not coming in due to an insurance authorization issue, 2 lapses that lasted only a few days my meds were not available and I went in completely honest and forthcoming about the situation. My doctor continued to see me strive towards success and sobriety, with counseling, working, and staying sober from ALL drugs besides marijuana when I would get off work I would smoke a bowl, and that was it. I couldn't have 1 beer if I had any alcohol metabolites in my system he would chastise me about why I had to engage with having a single alcoholic drink (never liquor just like 1 light beer, never more than 1, and literally it would be like a Christmas dinner or something like I didn't drink anyway so I would tell him it was just an occasion and he said well what stops you from occasionally using drugs too? I would say, that is drastically different and he would disagree with me) so I quit having any alcohol altogether as well. This doctor just never gave me any encouragement or hope that I would ever be off of Suboxone or that I would ever exit the program sober. I would never get any goals to achieve or milestones to accomplish so that I knew what I was looking forward to or needing to achieve before I could reach the next stage.. All I would get is, "Just do as I say and follow my program. You will be alright if you do just that." 2 years of that shit and being kept on 8mg a day with no tapering in my foreseeable future had me asking too many sensitive questions I guess and he eventually threw me out of his program for being a "Hostile Patient" because I asked him in a calm regular voice to tell me what I was supposed to be doing here, what was his plan of action, how many patients has he successfully exited out of his program who were sober today, etc.. He literally got up, exited the exam room, and said he had a hostile patient while my wife and I were both sitting there looking at each other like, "What? Are you literally joking right now?" We asked for a list of other prescribers and he said he was the only one, I said I would take my chances then and find another who would actually take my recovery seriously instead of just trying to find another patient to load up on meds as they collect a salary and get to go home sleeping comfortably knowing they don't have to deal with the issue themselves. He smiled and said good luck with my treatment and showed me the door. 2 months I called him back asking for him to take me back as a patient and he laughed on the phone and said to me I told you that you wouldn't find another provider in your area or within a reasonable distance (sadly he was right, I guess he managed a nice monopoly there, such an asshole) he then turned me away as I literally apologized and told him I just really cared about getting back to a true sobriety and did not just want to be on meds forever, he just completely refused to take me back in as a patient. My mother even tried calling and asking as a parent, I told her not to bother and he still told her that he was not going to take me back in when he had other patients who could better fill my spot and not argue with him about how long is too long to be on Suboxone or how he needs to know what my plan of action is / how many people I have successfully recovered. If he can't just trust me as his doctor then he was never going to succeed to begin with.
I find that absolutely not true, if he had stopped being vague and actually tried to give me any bit of hope or encouragement I would have been okay. If he couldn't answer a question because it depended on certain factors, okay, I can accept that. TELL ME, shit isn't that his job? To help me see the scope of my treatment, to help guide me towards a goal, to help me achieve it, to get me back to being sober? Or do we just start prescribing and then that's it now we are just a lost cause in society. I don't really get how this works. I was a smoker all those years ago. I feel like I would have succeeded in the program if I had a better doctor. Instead, I feel like I was given up on. I got back on heroin once I could no longer keep sourcing medication and so I stopped self-medicating with Suboxone. Now we are 8 years into my opiate addiction, multiple times trying to quit, 1 time joining a serious treatment program for 2 years (2 years into my addiction) 4 years in, I lost my treatment and provider because they had no other options in my area. 4 more years later I am finding more treatment options are finally available in my town, I started looking because good ol' me is facing the fact I let myself become an I.V user. I never shared needles or anything and I only just now started shooting up but I just can't keep going on like this, I have a wife whom I love, I lost my brother to heroin, losing my sister to heroin now already too, and I just can't be the next in line I need to break this cycle, I need to be a stable son for my mother, a stable husband for my wife, and one day a stable father to my children whom I hope to still be able to have and raise without the burdens of a heroin addiction amidst our lives. So, I am registered for an appointment this Thursday at 8AM to go in and get my first Methadone treatment. It will apparently be Methadose the pink concentrated liquid. My last shot was right before I went to type this and I really hope it is my last. I just want to get away from this stuff before it kills me too.
I find that absolutely not true, if he had stopped being vague and actually tried to give me any bit of hope or encouragement I would have been okay. If he couldn't answer a question because it depended on certain factors, okay, I can accept that. TELL ME, shit isn't that his job? To help me see the scope of my treatment, to help guide me towards a goal, to help me achieve it, to get me back to being sober? Or do we just start prescribing and then that's it now we are just a lost cause in society. I don't really get how this works. I was a smoker all those years ago. I feel like I would have succeeded in the program if I had a better doctor. Instead, I feel like I was given up on. I got back on heroin once I could no longer keep sourcing medication and so I stopped self-medicating with Suboxone. Now we are 8 years into my opiate addiction, multiple times trying to quit, 1 time joining a serious treatment program for 2 years (2 years into my addiction) 4 years in, I lost my treatment and provider because they had no other options in my area. 4 more years later I am finding more treatment options are finally available in my town, I started looking because good ol' me is facing the fact I let myself become an I.V user. I never shared needles or anything and I only just now started shooting up but I just can't keep going on like this, I have a wife whom I love, I lost my brother to heroin, losing my sister to heroin now already too, and I just can't be the next in line I need to break this cycle, I need to be a stable son for my mother, a stable husband for my wife, and one day a stable father to my children whom I hope to still be able to have and raise without the burdens of a heroin addiction amidst our lives. So, I am registered for an appointment this Thursday at 8AM to go in and get my first Methadone treatment. It will apparently be Methadose the pink concentrated liquid. My last shot was right before I went to type this and I really hope it is my last. I just want to get away from this stuff before it kills me too.
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place. However, there was a library across from us which we both LOVED cuz we are total nerds. It was scary though because while comparing rent in Portland when we were living in our place in NV, we were just like there is no way this is going to be easy if possible at all there are just so many obstacles against us and so many things that have to go exactly right that if even one piece falls apart BOOM the whole tower and plan comes down with it let alone just hoping if we could find a spot that was exactly the same as our current bills in that place. Well, our apartment in Oregon not only is bigger, and more secure, but it is the same cost!! Actually, it is cheaper in some ways because it isn't an uninsulated/broken-down trailer that has a slumlord running the lot. It is just weird, how it is all coming together somehow.. Even with all the hardships and negative outcomes how she and I are the only pieces in our lives that seem to be right and that is on both sides I am glad it is that way for her too, I just feel like she is so strong and capable.. I do my best to keep up but she claims she doesn't need me to keep up just help her to be able to keep it all up.. So I think that is sweet of her, will always cherish that woman til the day I die, no matter where we end up or if we split off. She will forever be the one person who has taught me so much and helped me grow since I was a teenager and I couldn't thank anyone else more besides maybe my mother that's about it.. Since she has already got her tuition costs covered by her scholarship she was able to sustain herself using student loans for living expenses consulting with her student aid and financial advisors there at the college to do so and budget everything.. Man, she truly is a G when it comes to living life and just being an independent person out there.. Lol however she is right, she can't feed herself for the life of her.. Literally for the life of her, she literally just doesn't feed herself and hates to cook/choose a meal because her appetite just disappears as soon as the task at hand comes across her mind. I love to cook though and that is just second nature to me.. We have a lot of things like that for each other that go hand in hand. Actually, as a matter of fact, I guess almost every aspect of our life is like that in one way or another. Whatever one of us struggles with, the other just picks up those pieces and puts them together just right and we keep on trucking along and making progress in this journey together. being able to pick up those pieces and help one another is probably the most beautiful thing about us .. Some people would argue that point but her and I are happy and I guess that is all that matters however we do try to teach each other how to be self-sufficient and we do urge one another to learn these skills and boost ourselves in the areas we struggle in.. However, we still do take care of one another by lifting those hardships off each other's shoulders and making sure to just get the job done so we can continue living and making life easier for one another. When things get easier we focus on how to encourage the other to start getting through those hardships and identifying the problems or finding out why we struggle in that area.. So it isn't just about co-dependence it is about growth and doing what we can because we love each other.. I just put in another increase at the clinic. I am at 40 mg methadone, I started to get counseling, I called my insurance and asked about transferring my stuff over to Oregon and how that can be done so that it is seamless and doesn't create a huge lapse in my plan or cause me to go without treatment long-term. I am now working on getting everything together and getting myself all packed up, and I am committing to moving all our stuff to Portland, OR. I am so excited to be in my wife's arms again, to cook her breakfast and dinner, to love her and help support her dream of becoming a medical doctor, growing my computer business out there, building our dream home, and raising children. All the while being sober and maintaining my physical and mental health to boot. I also want to be a mental health and drug counselor. Since I Come from a long history of mental/emotional/sexual childhood abuse that has all been very traumatic.. I think I would make a great counselor and sponsor once I fix myself and reach a point where I can actually maintain a stable life and no longer give in to the influence or cravings. If I can't do it for my interest and goal to become that one day, then I will do it for myself, my wife, and my potential future children who all depend on me to be a stable husband, father, and mother who deserves to see her son become something other than just a junkie who is constantly falling flat on his face when she and I know I can be so much more and do so much more out there if I really tried hard and I gave it my all. I am committed to making this life-long journey and battle which I hope will one day be a peaceful treaty amongst myself and others to not partake instead of a war / feud between peer pressure and my own selfish desire to use and feed that next fix. Wish me luck everyone, this is the road I am on and it's one I plan to continue traveling and doing my best to help others who are lost along the way while staying sober and keeping myself afloat so that I don't start treading water myself.
