Frightened

I realize that I'm not doing myself any favors by comparing myself to other people, but it's a difficult habit to kick. So many people who haven't had the opportunities I've had are passing me up in life. It is painful for me to feel my mind sinking deeper and deeper into this hole. I have been stagnant for close to 3 years now after finishing school. I feel like my potential, my energy to make my mark in the world, is eroding slowly and I don't know what to do about it.

My apartment is going to disappear if I don't start making money within the next few months. Last time I was in this position, I finally just took a job doing something a high school student could do and it crushed my soul every day until I was put on a quasi-permanent medical leave last month due to my near fatal overdose on the job.

There are so many good things about me. So many. But I'm just not out there shining like I used to. I used to be like a big ray of light. I am just so scared that the Sean I love, the Sean that everybody loves, is turning into a poor failure. I want out!

 

Hang in there, you're not a failure, it's just the way you're thinking about things and that's affecting the way you're feeling about things.

Sounds like there's so much pressure on you to be the perfect shining you, and anything less is failure

Try to hold on to those good things you recognise in yourself. You don't need to be perfect for people to love you. Are any of the people you love perfect?

Just my thoughts and hope it makes some sense. I hope you can find a way to pull through this darkness.

 

Stagnation and potential at rest is an uncomfortable place to be in. We do all the things we can think of to keep things moving but, sometimes, it just doesn't work in an 'acceptable' timeframe. I can truly feel you on this.

You're obviously hella intelligent and educated and you may be ahead of me on this but, have you made a list of giant corporations (Fortune x00's, industry up and comers, etc) and checked out their job sections on their individual websites?

This is what I am currently doing. Systematically applying and customizing a cover letter and resume for each.

You won't be staying at rest for long and when you finally land a decent gig, all that previously 'rested' energy is going to explode and make a huge mark and establish you within wjhatever environment you find yourself in

 

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I'm still recovering from two majorly disappointing job interviews, where the recruiters and VP wanted me right away (and the office was very nice, full of winners like the old me), but had to turn me away after running my credit report. It's hard for me to climb out when I need to make lots of money to start the climb but my indiscretions in the past are making me fundamentally unattractive to employers.

 

When I was trying to get into a new apartment, I had a few 'blemishes' on my credit . I was told by the apartment manager that if I contested the charges with my creditors, it would make those blemishes disappear until it was in fact determined whether or not I did owe my creditors (which I did).

Also, they mentioned that if I made payment arrangements with those creditors, it removes that particular creditor when a report is run.

This may be something that could help. Maybe during the process of your next interview you could call the creditors and say 'I don't owe this because...'. Yeah, you probably DO owe them but it may be a temporary method to make your credit look more appealing.

One thing to note is that I was told that these creditors only report to the credit agencies infrequently so it may take some time for it to show on your report.

I wish I had more details but it was confusing to me as it was being explained.

 

I think you need some more goals. What do you really want in life? Go find a job that a high school student can do - work there for a few month to earn some money so you can keep your apartment! Maybe try going back to school. Or try to save up money so you can go on a trip, and explore. Good luck

 

The thing is, I'm sitting here looking at an MBA and a finance undergrad degree, just mocking me from behind their glass frames. I got a job in 09 that a high school student could do and I ended up staying with it until last month when I was forced out on medical leave. It really hurt my pride and I think make me weaker, to be in that environment when I've spent a lot of time getting my education. Like, I would wake up in the morning and not be able to convince myself adequately that this was a temporary situation.

I used to have the opposite problem with money and self esteem. It was like I couldn't not make money, and I didn't understand people who were struggling. Now I'm being punished for taking that all for granted. I used to think it was over when I was down to my last $10,000. Now I'm looking at enough money to pay rent maybe for the next couple of months, and I need new suits, new wardrobe, etc, so I can get back in the game. All of that shit costs money and my suits just aren't fitting right anymore. I'm about to have to drive a Mazda 626 since I preliminarily transferred the title to my awesome VW when I saw the gravity of my current unemployment/money situation.

Nobody is willing to finance another reliable car for me right now because of my recently public drug problem. What they don't realize is that I'm ready to win again, and I win better when I'm surrounded by good aesthetics. It gets my mind going in a positive direction. All I want is a Jetta at least. I can't stand driving these Japanese and American cars that have such loose steering. I need some sort of control right now, even if it's just int he form of a vehicle that handles like it's supposed to.

 

Sometimes we have to take jobs that are 'beneath' us. Fact of life man. It is particularly hard when one is coming from a far better job to one that is pretty rotten, but it's still a paycheque.

You are not your work, it is but a means to an end.

Oh, and I don't know if they're available where you are, but if you ever get a chance to test drive an Audi A3, you'll be pleasantly surprised. It's a darn shame that Seat (Audi's entry level brand) isn't available in N. America.

 

Oh, and let me qualify that first paragraph with a story from my life.

When I got my first job out of school, I had been out of work for a year, and was basically looking for anything in my field. Someone on the fringe of my network happened to need a chemist in his startup, and I jumped at the chance. The money was meh at best, but it was actual work.

The work itself was beyond mundane though. In an 8 hour day I might have had 3 hours of actual work to do, usually the same manual titration day-in and day-out, and the related prepwork. A properly trained grade 10 student could have done all of that. I'd also have to wash glassware from the owner's daughter's more interesting work, which any moron can do. I resented it.

But, I stuck through it. My original plan was to keep looking for work and apply to grad school, but neither proved fruitful. Patience paid off slowly, but surely. I got chummy with my boss, and while he would never put me on anything close to even footing with his daughter (despite the fact that she was only capable of following orders, not solving problems or doing anything else creative on her own), I was able to get a few small tasks of my own. Eventually, I outlasted both my boss and his daughter, and am now working in a functional research group, with expertise covering four departments, with nowhere to go but up.

Just because something is unattractive at first, doesn't mean that it doesn't have value. A longer sight is sometimes necessary, along with other things in your life than work. Once you identify too much with one aspect of your life, if that aspect goes south, then you lose a big part of yourself. Rather than thinking of myself as a chemist, I'm someone who practises the profession of chemistry. If my chemist job evaporates (or I get pissed off and leave), and need to get a job doing something 'menial', it's not as big a deal.

Expectation and ego are the two biggest causes of pain in most people's lives, at least in our society. Just something to think about.

 

I have a similar story, Dave. I went from being the top student at my University (first class honours degree) and a research Master's, to the unemployment line... In the end I actually had to work for free for a while and that turned my life in another direction altogether. And then that fell through, and I ended up having to take a very low paid shit job that actually turned it in another direction altogether. And then something else happened that turned it in another direction altogether.

There was a lot of suffering in those times though because I was trying to stay the same, I had this idea of what "I" did, and what "I" was, and what "I" deserved, but life wasn't playing ball with that. It was only by relaxing a little and entering the adventure of change that I found all these new paths.

I just applied for a position that was ideal for me, and I felt I was the ideal candidate for. I know people applying for it who are nowhere near my standard. Yet I got a letter saying they hadn't selected me for interview as the standard was so high. Some of those people who are nowhere near me in terms of qualifications or ability got interviews...

I seethed for an evening, but then I think back at some of the things I "failed at" in the past. I am so glad I did - because if I had succeeded, I wouldn't be sitting where I am today, wouldn't have met the friends I've met, and who knows.... things could have been a lot worse.

Has taken me years and a lot of work though to get to this kind of wisdom about stuff

 

Well for what it's worth I appreciate your comments and attention to me like this. I'm so lonely and probably closer to committing suicide than I ever have been in my life. I can't even eat a meal a day, and sometimes I can't move from my bed.I need help in every way, and these responses are a part of what might keep me alive to see 28> I am very low. very low. Sometimes I don't think I will make it out of this hole. But thank you allf or sharing, it helps more than you think,

 

The thing is, we've been in similar straits. I was at a point where it was either get help or get admitted to hospital. I didn't care at the time, but I was glad that I made the choice that I did.

Pride is one of, if not the, most dangerous emotions that we have. Perhaps second only to envy, but the two are shades of the same thing really. Degrees are a wonderful thing to have, but outside of academia they are mostly useful for getting you first job. After that, it's all about job performance. Sometimes you need to work beneath your level. Hell, I was competing with community/technical college people for my job, and I have an honours degree. You know how great you are, I know how great you are, and many others know as well; but until you've put in some serious dues time, it won't come out professionally. Which is why it helps to have something other than work on the go, so that you don't identify with your job.

Have you considered writing? You have an excellent wit, and a knack with language. Might be a fun little side thing to do while you're slogging away at some monkey job-- keep a blog going, maybe submit something to McSweeny's/Thought Catalog or something. Hell, I can tell you for a fact that you're better than most of the shit on TC. Might not get paid much (if anything) for it, but it would be recognition, and a much needed creative outlet.

 

That would definitely give me the hard on I'm looking for, recognition-wise. Godammit, a few hours ago a three day heroin binge culminated with a terrible overdose. My jaw wouldn't stop shaking and my body felt so tight. Then my back started to tense up to the point where it really hurt. Man, it lasted for like 20 minutes and Im still literally soaking my sheets with sweat. This is all going to be real funny and cute until I have a heart attack. N

 

Yeah-- that's two ODs in what, three weeks? Might be time to cool off for a bit there, maybe see about tapering back to a more functional dose?

You could write, and no better time to do it than now. The recognition would come in time, but the value would come in having a parallel career. That way, when you are working in a job that you hate so that you can keep a roof and a full belly, you can identify more with being a writer than whatever it is that pays the bills.

In time, you could even learn not to identify with any of that. Just do what you like when you can, and what you have to when you have to. That's maybe a few more steps down the road though.

Get writing! Try for Vice! Doo eet!

 

dave, you are the fucking man.

 

Thanks, but I'm just an enabler. You, sir, are the man. You just need to be reminded of that every now and then.

Now go get 'em tiger!