Friendship with the opposite sex

[Burnt Offerings]

Usually I don't post much outside of drug-related topics on this forum, but I have a question I'd be interested in advice for.

I'd say that I have about 5 people in my life who are my "real friends", i.e. people who I like a lot, put total trust in and, even though I don't see any of them often, when we do see each other it's like we'd just seen each other days ago and the friendship was just as strong as ever. Three men and two women, all of whom are people I've known since elementary school, 10+ years despite the fact that I'm only in my mid 20s. Not many people, I guess

However, in the past recent history (about 6 months) I met someone, through drugs originally. We'd use each other as heroin connections, basically, but we got along well enough as casual acquaintances. She is a heroin addict but she is one of the most high-functioning heroin addicts I've ever personally met...a casual observer of her and her life would never know that she was even a drug user. But she is mostly definitely a heroin addict...she is one of those heroin addicts who, upon moving somewhere new, immediately starts looking for heroin, and I would be surprised if I found out that she quit. She's also dealt and spent time in jail for that.

Anyway, I guess we became friends because we hung out and used so much. Sometimes she'd pick me up and I'd do her dope, other times we'd get high on my dime. We began introducing each other as "this is my friend...".

The problem is that she is really, really good looking. The first thought I had when I saw here was "damn, that chick is fine, I want to fuck her". Pretty crude but there you have it. A close friend of mine was with me when we first met her, and afterwards we both commented on how usually good looking she was. I think it's the reaction of all men and quite a few women when they see her. Eventually I knew this individual more and began to have a certain amount of respect & affection for her as a person...she definitely has good qualities, other than purely her looks. But the sexual attraction component never really went away, although I suppressed it because I assumed she was into guys who were better looking and more "high class" than me and she wasn't attracted to me (lack of confidence/insecurity on my part I guess) I feel like it kind of contaminates the relationship we have as it stands now...I enjoy her company to some extent and I like the company of women generally-speaking because I feel that they bring interesting viewpoints that I may not have thought of, but the element of "she's hot, I want to have sex with her" does intrude into my stream of consciousness pretty regularly

Plus, another thing that complicates the whole matter is heroin. It is literally the foundation of our relationship...it's how we originally met. And its presence is constant in our interactions...a couple months back I asked her if she wanted to do something sometime, grab a drink or something, basically asked her out on a date to see if anything would develop. She accepted, but then as we were going out wanted to stop real quick so she could buy a point of dope for the night 8) And I never consider my "drug friends" to be "real friends" so I often question if she is even a friend of mine, or if she's just some person who couldn't care if I lived or died & ultimately is only interested in knowing me because I'm in the local drug scene. I think that one of the reasons I'm frequently unhappy is that I'm alone in this city, I need a member of the opposite sex in my life because I'm heterosexual and am interested in women sexually. For some reason I don't really know how to meet people, though...I'm unemployed, and only attend a couple classes at the local state school but live off-campus. Sometimes women hit on me at a bar or something but I'm usually not attracted to them. But there's this really beautiful young woman who has a presence in my life, but I haven't made a pass at her? That seems weird to me sometimes, and I'm not sure how healthy the current situation is. I'm guessing probably not healthy. I'm considering just actively distancing myself from the person in question until I finally leave this city in a couple months. I could also make a pass at her, but if I got rejected I feel like the friendship would probably end anyway, because there can be no real quality relationship if the parties involved want different shit.

But it sucks because, like I said, I think she's a good person with some really great qualities and she's down for her muthafuckin' set, it seems like it's rare to meet women like that around here (she has bad qualities too, though, of course). Any anecdotes about intersex friendships are welcome...btw I'm not talking about women you had sexual relationship with and then broke things off but stayed cool & still associated with each other sometimes, I've had that kind of friendship and it's pretty simple by comparison imo

 

[Vagina Lover]

Heroin relationships typically always end in tears.

From my understanding, the relationship steadily becomes unsustainable until death, rehab, jail, insanity etc.

I doubt there will be any true success stories, sadly.

In spite of the fact she may be highly functioning as an addict, the heroin always wins in the end. She will likely lose her self respect first, then her looks, her dignity, and eventually the heroin life will have played its course (an immoral man, however, may find an in through this cycle...)

Why not find a girl who doesn't have a smack problem and get yourself clean, not necessarily in that order?

 

[brighteyes2342]

Well, how do I explain this? Folks are just regular people and shouldn't be classified as "my drug friend." People are who they are, regardless of drugs. Do you think you would still like her if she wasn't a user? Would she still be attractive? If so, go for it. If you have a natural chemistry, who cares how you met? Obviously she isn't going to judge your use and you won't be in one of those relationships where you try to hide what you're doing. You clearly have things in common and can bond over that. I just feel like people are who they are, ya know? If she's attractive, funny or whatever, that's who she is, not a result of drugs. Drugs have never made anyone funny or witty. That's just natural. Maybe it won't work out and that'll suck. Or maybe it will work out and you'll be happier than you are now, giving yourself mental turmoil over a crush. Or maybe you can just shag. Whatever floats your boat!

 

[Burnt Offerings]

The situation kind of resolved itself. She got even deeper into the "scene" than she was even a couple months ago and I've been trying to quit (and informing my former using buddies of my intentions to quit), so we don't really hang any more. I kind of doubt that we'll see each other again

 

[llama112]

Aww well I do hope that she finds a way on her own to come to terms with it and get clean. You really have to decide for yourself.

Drugs really can complicate a relationship. Especially if people are coming clean at different times.

I know two people who were best friends, both addicted to h, ended up not being friends for a couple years, reconnected and now they are great friends and clean. But it happened at different times. He figured things out first, she did like a year later or something.

 

[brighteyes2342]

Sending big loves on your journey to sobriety!

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

yea man i can relate a lot to your story, I've been in this situation a few times I call them the "heroin girls"

its a typical story really- meet an attractive girl through friends of friends looking to cop, etc., then you get close with her and she flirts with you and makes it seem like you guys are something or may be something. when in reality her goal is simply to use you to help her get D.

you would think id learn right? but no its happened 4 times and just recently I ended the last one....

sure theyl fuck you but it aint going nowhere they just don';t like you like that... I could never use someone like that man I really do hate women sometimes. So OP from your last post it seems like the girl found someone else to get her D thats good for you she's out of your life

 

[JessFR]

I'm in a situation not all that unlike yours. Only gender reversed. One of my best friends is a heroin addict like me and we've been scoring together a long time. From pretty much the get go we've both been very attracted to each other and both aware of it. He's single but I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for over 5 years and love as much today as I ever have loved him or anything else in my life. Only problem is I also care about this friend of mine greatly, and find him very attractive. But in my heart I know who I'm in love with and much as I care about this friend, I dont love him in that way. Unlike your situation, neither if us are functional addicts and we'd both probably be on the street or jail or worse if we got together. For that reason, and because both of us feel that a sexual relationship between each other, even if I were single, would carry a heavy risk of fucking up the good thing we have going as just friends. And finally of course because I'm not in fact single and still am happily in love with my boyfriend, who's not an addict and far better for me than we would ever be together.

We both trust each other and trust is a big part of why we use and score together. Because neither of us have many people we can trust to come through for us where drugs are concerned where theres not an ulterior motive. We've both had ample chance and opportunity to fuck each other over and leave the other screwed or suddenly not be there when drugs aren't involved and neither of us have done so. Such friendships that are actually reliable where heroin is concerned aren't common which I why we've both stuck together and looked out for each other.

My boyfriend wants nothing to do with drugs or the drug world or who I know in it and we're both very secure in our relationship and aren't jealous types so, so long as I dont cheat, theres no problem or conflict there.

But there are big problems underlying it all.

One is that we're both very attracted to each other. I don't love him, and he has said many times he doesn't want a relationship after having had so many bad ones, at least not at this point in his life. But there's an underlying sexual tension that despite our best efforts won't go away. On two occasions, some time ago, when we were both very high and wasted and hanging out watching tv by ourselves, we started making out, just touching, first, maaaaybe second base stuff at most. Both times I called it off before we went any further. I felt extremely guilty for it and after the second time we agreed we shouldn't have let it get even that far and we both agreed that we wouldn't let it happen again, and it hasn't. I'll note however that in the past my boyfriend and I have agreed to a potentially open relationship in theory, provided there's disclosure. But neither of us have tested it. I know what I did was wrong regardless and if weren't for theoretical agreement I never would have let it get that far. I hate cheating and I hate feeling like I did. Which even with as little as what happened, I do.

The second problem is that like you, our friendship is very strongly entwined with drugs. And while he has no intentions of ever getting clean indefinitely, I do. And I know that's going to be a big problem at some stage. Just having this friendship makes even attempting to get clean difficult. And like I said, my boyfriend isn't a user or an addict and doesn't like that I am.

On the other hand, I know if I told my friend I was quitting he'd do whatever he could to support my decision. And erasing him as a contact would not be very effective because I have lots of drug contacts and could easily find many of them or him even if I erased their phone numbers and all contact information. And unlike other connects, I'm sure if I asked him not to give me any drugs he'd agree and enforce that and not use around me. So the only point in dropping him as a friend as far as quitting goes is to isolate myself as much as possible from anything that reminds me of using, and at that extreme I might as well leave the entire city permanently, that's how I got clean the first time. But with time I amassed plenty of connections again. Problem is I still wasn't ready to stop for good. And I just tend to gravitate to other drug addicts.

So anyhow, that's my story. I have no solutions or advice to give, for you or for me. But you asked for similar situations other BLers are in, and this ones mine.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

That's interesting. There's actually a lesson I learned from the whole thing, and that's this: if you think there's even a chance, even the slightest chance, that the attraction you feel for someone else is mutual, and it's not inappropriate to act on (i.e. you aren't involved in a monogamous relationship or are violating some kind of professional obligation, etc), act on it. I talked to one of the friends of the girl referenced in the OP and she told me that there was a period of time when that individual had some feelings for me, and only decided to "give up on me" after I talked to her about a date I was going on with another girl 8) Wow, did I misread that situation. Because I'm not a particularly great guy...but compared to other IV opiate addicts in this area? I'm practically brimming with charm and intellect. Compared to a lot of the scrubs around here, I'm a freakin' gem. The belief that "this girl is 'too good for me' and she's probably into dudes who are on top of their game" was such a crock of shit. As evident by the dude she decided to settle on after she felt that I was a lost cause.

Never buy into that self-defeating belief. Go out and get what you want. In the words of Gibby Haynes: better to regret something you did than something you didn't do

Probably a blessing in disguise that a relationship didn't develop out of that, though. Because if one had, I would suddenly be obliged to make sure that ANOTHER PERSON got high too, and I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. That's beyond the fact that I'm actively working towards quitting & have a genuine desire to attain that goal.