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friends with benefits... a couple quick questions

Trigger543

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 4, 2012
Messages
20
I saw in another thread everyone was saying the person you're hooking up with shouldn't stay over? But I know a few people that do that so I was wondering what your reasoning is or if you disagree let me know.

Also, I might have this girl as a FWB but I know she likes me... how big of a problem is that? I've made it clear I'm not looking for a relationship but I don't know if that matters.

Edit: the thread I mentioned - http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/564906-Do-s-and-dont-s-for-your-friend-with-benefits
 
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If you don't want to get involved in a romantic relationship with her but simply be friends with sex, and she likes you, that'll quite likely become a problem evenually. I doubt she'd be able to deal with it. Doesn't sound like a great idea to me, but who knows, you might be able to pull it off.
 
If you're clear with her that you only want "friends with benefits" and not an actual relationship, you may be able to make it work like that. Just make sure that she leaves asap in the morning :p
 
If she wants more than FWB, I suggest never cuddling with her after sex and to be honest I don't think you should spend the night @ her place or she @ yours because she might get confused.
 
Imo...
Be clear you only want fwb, because sooner or later,someone's going to get hurt.. This will probably still happen even after you've made yourself clear that you don't want a relationship..
The only way I'd say do an overnight is if you both are on the same page, and only want fwb.. If either of you begin to want more you're better off not doing the overnight. It can just complicate things..

I'd suggest finding a chick who wants the same thing as u (fmb) then messing with some1 who you already know has feelings for you, less of course you don't care.

Good luck .
 
Very well put, Khya.

From the sounds of your particular situation, I wouldn't even bother getting into it with her. There's already feelings on her end and I don't believe it will even matter how clear you are about the situation only being physical. In mine and my friend's experiences, something you do somewhere along the line will most likely be misconstrued and then it's a slippery slope from there.

I honestly believe that you should consider another FWB option. Save yourself the headache.
 
If you're clear with her that you only want "friends with benefits" and not an actual relationship, you may be able to make it work like that. Just make sure that she leaves asap in the morning :p

My thinking is, come home from work (I work late), have sex, sleep, do it again in the morning, and gone. I usually get up & out early anyway so I'm not worried about that.

Friends With Benefits only ever works if you aren't actually friends with the person. If you are literally just fucking them.

When you are good friends with someone and you enjoy spending time together, and you are sleeping with them, eventually one of you is going to start thinking "Well we already are basically dating...why not put a title on it?".

For most people there is no such thing as friends with benefits. There's fuck buddies, and there's open relationships.

If you don't think you will ever want to date this girl, and you know for a fact she likes you as more than a fuck buddy, be a decent human being and don't get involved with her. You'll just end up breaking her heart. And when she tells you she understands the terms and conditions and shes a big girl and can handle it, shes lying through her teeth. She already likes you and I'd bet money that she thinks if she can just get you to spend enough time with her, she can get you to fall for her.

I hate you for that last paragraph. LOL

We're not friends really, I've only hung out with her twice. I just don't know for a fact that she wants a relationship or even wants one with me. I just have an extremely strong feeling that's the case, but we got drunk and went out with some friends the other night and she ended up in my bed... she was gone before I woke up, so I think she knows what the deal is... That was the first time that happened btw

The biggest problem with her is I think she wants a relationship b/c her clock is ticking... she's only 26 but she's mentioned several times how most of her friends are married and/or have kids and that's a huge turn off to me right now. Again, idk for sure it's just what I think.

Edit: thanks for the input btw
 
I don't see the problems everyone is mentioning in this thread. I have a number of friends with whom I have sex. Real friends. People I chill with, people I've known for YEARS.

We cuddle after sex, I stay over, they stay over, we go to night clubs, we study together, we talk about science and mathematics for hours on end, we go to art galleries and movies together, and we mix amazing sex into it. Of course, I'd say the "benefit" is not the sex I have with these people, the "benefit" is calling these wonderful people my friends.

That is empirical, experimental data which fully refutes Khyabean's hypothesis(It is hypothesis, it makes specific and testable predictions about the real world) of

Friends With Benefits only ever works if you aren't actually friends with the person. If you are literally just fucking them.




You know what, no drama results! It's more an issue of your own attitudes and maturity then it is an issue of what activities you do together.

To address another of Khyabean's hypothesis

When you are good friends with someone and you enjoy spending time together, and you are sleeping with them, eventually one of you is going to start thinking "Well we already are basically dating...why not put a title on it?".

Titles mean nothing. A very smart man (smart as in winning a Nobel Prize smart) once said

You can know the name of a bird in all the languages of the world, but when you're finished, you'll know absolutely nothing whatever about the bird... So let's look at the bird and see what it's doing -- that's what counts.

The title you assign your relationship is the name of the bird. What you actually do in your relationship is what the bird is doing.
 
I don't see the problems everyone is mentioning in this thread. I have a number of friends with whom I have sex. Real friends. People I chill with, people I've known for YEARS.

We cuddle after sex, I stay over, they stay over, we go to night clubs, we study together, we talk about science and mathematics for hours on end, we go to art galleries and movies together, and we mix amazing sex into it. Of course, I'd say the "benefit" is not the sex I have with these people, the "benefit" is calling these wonderful people my friends.

That is empirical, experimental data which fully refutes Khyabean's hypothesis(It is hypothesis, it makes specific and testable predictions about the real world) of

You know what, no drama results! It's more an issue of your own attitudes and maturity then it is an issue of what activities you do together.

To address another of Khyabean's hypothesis

Titles mean nothing. A very smart man (smart as in winning a Nobel Prize smart) once said

The title you assign your relationship is the name of the bird. What you actually do in your relationship is what the bird is doing.

Good post... the only problem with my situation is this girl isn't my friend and I'm almost positive she likes me. If I thought her feelings would never be hurt I wouldn't really second guess this decision, but I don't want to be that guy... and I understand what you're saying, but the examples you're giving seem different, would you agree?

I'm so torn right now. My biggest issue is I work crazy hours, pretty much 7 days a week so it's not always easy meeting new people and the only other person I know who I could potentially be fuck buddies with is a girl who works for me ... but I'm trying to save myself a headache, not give myself a migraine.

I really appreciate everyone's input, thanks guys!

Edit: man I really hate facebook. She just posted this: "It's not about who you've been with its about who youll end up with.. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it needs" I don't have many active posters on my facebook so I see almost everything that comes up... this is not normal for her, the last time I saw a status like that was after the first time we hung out. I think I'm gonna have to abort this one...
 
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Is the question really if "Whether or not to stay the night?" You probably consider yourself a smart person, so you should know that sex between people and what happens afterwards is pretty dynamic and can't be considered well for someone who does not know the personalities of the two in question. You're question is also incredibly narrow and inconsiderate considering the situation. I'm not gonna give you my opinion on how to keep things meaningless in your world.
 
If you want to be FWB you both need to be clear on it, set boundaries and rules and stick by them.
 
Is the question really if "Whether or not to stay the night?" You probably consider yourself a smart person, so you should know that sex between people and what happens afterwards is pretty dynamic and can't be considered well for someone who does not know the personalities of the two in question. You're question is also incredibly narrow and inconsiderate considering the situation. I'm not gonna give you my opinion on how to keep things meaningless in your world.

Did you read the OP? My question came from another thread where just about everyone was saying not to let the other person spend the night. I was asking why that is. I'm not sure what's narrow and inconsiderate about that, but thanks for contributing to the thread you were extremely helpful.
 
Did you read the OP? My question came from another thread where just about everyone was saying not to let the other person spend the night. I was asking why that is. I'm not sure what's narrow and inconsiderate about that, but thanks for contributing to the thread you were extremely helpful.

I think a big reason many people don't want the FWB to sleep over is that he/she might get too comfortable and over-stay their visit.

You're thinking "it's time to go" while they linger around, then they fall asleep, use your toilet or wander around your house. It could get awkward.
 
I think a big reason many people don't want the FWB to sleep over is that he/she might get too comfortable and over-stay their visit.

You're thinking "it's time to go" while they linger around, then they fall asleep, use your toilet or wander around your house. It could get awkward.

Yeah that makes sense. IDK if these facebook posts have anything to do with me but she posted "A strong women is one who is able to smile this morning like she wasn't crying last night". Two people I know IRL say she's just being a girl and I should ignore it and go for it... the other one is saying I should back off but he's extremely conservative and would never go for a FWB in the first place.

Any advice for this conversation if I try and go for FWB? I was thinking about keeping it simple and saying I had fun the other night but I'm not looking for anything serious, how would you feel about xyz...
 
I would say give it another go but her facebook post is kinda creepy. If things start to get sticky don't see her anymore
 
@Khyabean:

Yes, you are indeed correct that many people have problems mixing friendship with sex. My point was that it is indeed possible. (And when properly executed, it is such an amazing, and wonderful thing)

but my point about titles (and indeed, our 1965 Nobel Prize in physics winners point about the name of birds) is that the name (title) makes no difference. Just because someone decides to assign it a title (or not) does change in any meaningful way what the reality of the relationship is. Regardless of if I call it a "dove" a "pigeon" a "Columbidae" or a "flying rat", it's EXACTLY the same bird. Similarly, if I call my lovely Ms.Gallium my "best friend" my "friend with benefits" my "girlfriend" my "fuck buddy" or my "love" it makes no difference, she is exactly the same thing to me (something which I can not even really put into words because it's so fucking awesome as to surpass the capacity of any known language). But yes, in any event, I don't see what difference the title makes. It's only a placeholder word. No different then the abstract symbols used to represent things in equations and science. The word/title/notation is not the real world object. (That is, neither the symbol "Fe" the word "ferrous" or the word "Iron" is really the real world stuff we call iron, and any of those terms/symbols is just as good as the other and it makes no difference which one we use) The same holds true in any other situation as well. Go ahead and give it a title, any title you please, it doesn't change anything.
 
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