6/22/09
Am up late @ work again. After 2nite i have 3 nites off, thank Christ! Still i feel grateful as fuck 2 b 4tun8 enuf 2 have an easy fuckn job 4 out of 5x/wk. Am gra8ful 2 for chems, even thou am frightend by how hookd i am. My habit is big, tolerance high 4 meth, but stil i wil say this, it sure keeps me n ter tained, energetic, boredom simply dont exist n Methville, which i so adore. 2 bad my tolerance dont drop 2 significant level unles i stop 4 @ least 4 days. Am sory 2 admit i only stayd off meth 1 day, Sat & gave n2 temptation 2 dip n2 my new bag of BIG rocks late Sun PM after sleepn an eatn that day. @ least i did that, but it worries me 4 the fact that clearly makes me a heavy addict. I made a 60 bag last 5 or 6 days coz w direct conect, i dont have 2 share 1/2 my stash & tend 2 stay home more than hangn @ the den where 3+ peeps may ask 4 a bowl. Fuck that, il party 1
person out occasionally, no more. Linda buys a 40 bag, usualy does the hole damn thing n 12 hrs, then cals another conect 4 more & continues partyn. Since she is retird, she can get away w that shit, but not me. Damn those 8 paid mo i had back n 2004, not havn 2 do a damn thing cept party was the most fun ive ever had n my n tire life. Theres defo no ? bout the fact that n terms of physical/worldly pleasures, meth is my #1. Studyn spirituality has told me that worldly pleasures r temporary an mean nothn compard 2 whats REALLY important, b n 1 with God n spirit after our physical bodies r long gone an that we shud cherish/focus on spiritual principals such as prayr & meditation. I b lieve thats true, but as a body the flesh FEELS so real, ther4 my xperience on earth has been that dope is the strongest pleasure ther is no mater how diligent i was w prayr & meditation, 2 bad only MEDICATION feels like nothn betr n my ntire life. I tried 2& 1/4 yrs 2 solve my damn wt prolem & tramadol addiction, but 2 no avail. I wantd & sot healthy ways 2 get the ntense pleasure i got from meth & faild. Dont no y.
6/22/09
I'm njoyn the partyn, specialy these next 2 wks, but God help me cut back by 1/2 next mo, or im gona b n serious trouble, way worse than i already am. Sigh. I remember when i 1st lost my job back n 2004, Jan. Unemployment delayd checks til i was found not guilty by a judge 4 falsifyn info 2 the EDD. I was scared as hel, ran out of $ 2 buy dope, so 4 bout 2 mo, i was meth free. W/ds suck no matr wot, but not havn 2 go 2 work & kickn @ hm makes a huge diffrnce, so MUCH easier. That was the 1 good thing bout kickn n jail, not havn 2 hustle 2 kp roof over ur head or food n ur belly. Nothn but time 2 concentrate on getn wel & try 2 sleep AMAP. Not wantn 2 b w/o job or n jail, mind u, but not havn 2 work makes detox a hel of alot easier, so God help me succeed..I talkd 2 Aimee bout that rich guy. Hey if it workd out that he paid 4 all or part of her habit, then good 4 her. I askd conect 4 a 20 bag & a 60, but he lumpd them 2gether, so i eyebald a 20 spot & sent 2 Erik. Its good shit, hope u njoy babe. As always, luv an miss u blind. Lemme no wot u think an if u can, send me a tie please?
Am up late @ work again. After 2nite i have 3 nites off, thank Christ! Still i feel grateful as fuck 2 b 4tun8 enuf 2 have an easy fuckn job 4 out of 5x/wk. Am gra8ful 2 for chems, even thou am frightend by how hookd i am. My habit is big, tolerance high 4 meth, but stil i wil say this, it sure keeps me n ter tained, energetic, boredom simply dont exist n Methville, which i so adore. 2 bad my tolerance dont drop 2 significant level unles i stop 4 @ least 4 days. Am sory 2 admit i only stayd off meth 1 day, Sat & gave n2 temptation 2 dip n2 my new bag of BIG rocks late Sun PM after sleepn an eatn that day. @ least i did that, but it worries me 4 the fact that clearly makes me a heavy addict. I made a 60 bag last 5 or 6 days coz w direct conect, i dont have 2 share 1/2 my stash & tend 2 stay home more than hangn @ the den where 3+ peeps may ask 4 a bowl. Fuck that, il party 1
person out occasionally, no more. Linda buys a 40 bag, usualy does the hole damn thing n 12 hrs, then cals another conect 4 more & continues partyn. Since she is retird, she can get away w that shit, but not me. Damn those 8 paid mo i had back n 2004, not havn 2 do a damn thing cept party was the most fun ive ever had n my n tire life. Theres defo no ? bout the fact that n terms of physical/worldly pleasures, meth is my #1. Studyn spirituality has told me that worldly pleasures r temporary an mean nothn compard 2 whats REALLY important, b n 1 with God n spirit after our physical bodies r long gone an that we shud cherish/focus on spiritual principals such as prayr & meditation. I b lieve thats true, but as a body the flesh FEELS so real, ther4 my xperience on earth has been that dope is the strongest pleasure ther is no mater how diligent i was w prayr & meditation, 2 bad only MEDICATION feels like nothn betr n my ntire life. I tried 2& 1/4 yrs 2 solve my damn wt prolem & tramadol addiction, but 2 no avail. I wantd & sot healthy ways 2 get the ntense pleasure i got from meth & faild. Dont no y.
6/22/09
I'm njoyn the partyn, specialy these next 2 wks, but God help me cut back by 1/2 next mo, or im gona b n serious trouble, way worse than i already am. Sigh. I remember when i 1st lost my job back n 2004, Jan. Unemployment delayd checks til i was found not guilty by a judge 4 falsifyn info 2 the EDD. I was scared as hel, ran out of $ 2 buy dope, so 4 bout 2 mo, i was meth free. W/ds suck no matr wot, but not havn 2 go 2 work & kickn @ hm makes a huge diffrnce, so MUCH easier. That was the 1 good thing bout kickn n jail, not havn 2 hustle 2 kp roof over ur head or food n ur belly. Nothn but time 2 concentrate on getn wel & try 2 sleep AMAP. Not wantn 2 b w/o job or n jail, mind u, but not havn 2 work makes detox a hel of alot easier, so God help me succeed..I talkd 2 Aimee bout that rich guy. Hey if it workd out that he paid 4 all or part of her habit, then good 4 her. I askd conect 4 a 20 bag & a 60, but he lumpd them 2gether, so i eyebald a 20 spot & sent 2 Erik. Its good shit, hope u njoy babe. As always, luv an miss u blind. Lemme no wot u think an if u can, send me a tie please?