Friends far away

[hardraverNYC]

This was written for friends far away and sorley missed.
We All Come to Gather
For Maggie and Marty
Can all
Come to the call
Of the drum?
It is a call heard by many
But acknowledged by few
We answer always
For us
It is ritual participation
In an enlightening fornication
In the call
We drive passion to the surface
We taste truth in each other
We find peace the only liberator
In the call
Beauty is always seen
Love is shared
And freedom is born
In the call
Time forgets the past
Light shines on the inside
And we hold hope in our hands
The call is the gift
As it becomes yours
It becomes mine
And then it stretches to intertwine
------------------
PLUR
"we must be the change
we want to see in the
world" --Gandi

 

[hardraverNYC]

?? I'd like to know what you guys think???

 

[hardraverNYC]

Is this a forum for discussion on the written word?? I hate to reply to my own post.
If it sucks say so. If it did nothing for you say so. If it does not communicate say so. JUST SAY SOMETHING.
Work can't improve without critisim.
hardraverNYC
------------------
PLUR
"we must be the change
we want to see in the
world" --Gandi

 

[FunGuy]

We All Come to Gather
For Maggie and Marty
Can all
Come to the call
Of the drum?
It is a call heard by many (I'd throw in a ,)
But acknowledged by few (.)
We answer always (We answer all ways.)
For us
It is ritual participation (,)
In an enlightening fornication (It is...fornication.)
In the call (,)
We drive passion to the surface (,)
We taste truth in each other (,)
We find peace the only liberator(.)
In the call (,)
Beauty is always seen (.)
Love is shared (.)
And freedom is born (Delete And and add .)
In the call (same as above)
Time forgets the past
Light shines on the inside
And we hold hope in our hands
The call is the gift (.)
As it becomes yours (,)
It becomes mine (,)
And then it stretches to intertwine
I think some puncuation will give this piece a better rhythm and sense of depth. I like it. Nice. I think that 5, 6, and 7th stanzas could be tightened up a bit. No specific cricism, but I think you know what I mean. Peace.