Friend is depressed

[OnTheMountain]

I have a friend who is depressed or bipolar. I cant say exactly what he is experiencing but I can describe the symptoms. He isolates him self from everyone, does not want to talk about anything including whats going on with him. He acts like every conversation you try to have with him is a waste of time or stupid and gets angry and says leave him alone he doesn't want to talk about it. Whenever I see him in his room by himself most of the time he has his head down with his hands on his head.

He doesn't want to take any medication or even try to get help. I think this is because he is trying to clean up his life and has to force himself to live sober without any relief or cheating with a beer or weed high. I don't know if he is going to get better on his own or not as time will tell. He is trying to eat healthy and exercise but is unwilling to take vitamin supplements which makes me angry.

What do I do to help him when he doesn't want any advice or even bother to listen to anything I want to talk about. I noticed giving him space instead of engaging conversation seems to make him feel at ease as he doesn't want to discuss it.

 

[the real yeti]

Do you think the isolation he's submitting himself to is making him better or worse? If he's getting better at some visible rate, I'd suggest giving him some space, but not too much. Make sure you show him your concern and your support, because I think if he feels completely alone that will just make things worse. Also, try not to be too overbearing when you see him; don't automatically jump to talking about how he feels or what he's thinking. Just start some small talk and see if that opens him up a bit. You could also try inviting him out to do simple things like get lunch or dinner or something easy like that. Personally, I think encouraging him to consider getting help is a good idea, and I think some professional help would be better for him than sitting in his room alone where he never sees any other perspective on his difficulty. Do you have any idea what he might be depressed about? Come up with something uplifting to say to him, something that will cheer him up, that you can talk about alone for a few minutes. Highlight a strength of his or something like that and figure out what you're going to say. After that, go see him and ask if he wants to talk about something, and even if he says no stand in his room and give your monologue like Lincoln. Tough love might actually help, but I don't know him so I can't really say for sure. Just make sure he hears what you're saying, even if he doesn't want to. You don't have to make him go from sad to lovin' life in 5 minutes, you just have to give him some food for thought, something that will give him a different, positive perspective to examine things from.

 

[RedLeader]

It's essentially impossible for us to diagnose your friend's condition, but I'm willing to bet that depression plays a role in it. After all, when we turn to things like alcohol or weed to try and make us feel better, and over time they instead make us feel controlled and overpowered by what we thought could help, we feel stupified when coming to terms with the fact that something we had confidence in failed horribly at improving our condition. We're often in denial for a long time that the drinking or drugging isn't helping, but from that moment that we accept responsibility for a coping strategy that backfired horribly, we feel like we're also admitting to some type of weakness. Your friend probably once thought that with the right self-prescription of drinks and bud, he could conquer his inner-demons and better manage his emotions, and now he's having trouble accepting the fact that he was wrong and needs to find another approach that doesn't necessarily go down cold or burn hot.

And so, he's probably thinking along the lines of I got myself into this, I need to get myself out, or It's my problem, why burden others with it? or something similar. Problem is that there's nothing really to support him being able to do it on his own correctly this time, but also nothing for him to lose asking for help from others who have managed themselves a little better in life.

Baby steps first. Does he talk to anyone else? Is he active in school, music, sports, etc? If so, perhaps bridge a conversation about helping him with someone else with whom he is more comfortable? If not, well in truly isolationist cases, sometimes things cannot be turned about but with force, which often can be met with hostility. Is he active on the internet? I ask because a lot of introverted/isolationist personalities in real life are actually quite different online (I think a lot of TDSers can relate). It might be a long shot, but perhaps point him in the direction of BL/TDS?

 

[effie]

RedLeader, I think this is the third time I have come into a thread to say something and you have said it all already :D

OTM, your friend is very lucky to have someone like you. Stick with him; this might take some time. It is extremely frustrating (for the depressed/isolating person and their friends) that when you feel like that, you really do just want to be left alone - yet being alone all the time is exactly what you don't need. I'm not saying that your friend needs constant company - he may well be introverted generally, I know I am, and that would drive me absolutely insane - but if you are depressed and feeling down, being entirely isolated from the world really does tend to make things worse. I agree that taking it in baby steps is the best approach. It can be completely overwhelming to be suddenly plunged into life when you have been isolating yourself for some time - but it is something you can slowly learn again. What was he like before you noticed these changes? Has he always been quite introverted? What did he used to enjoy doing?

Ultimately you can't force your friend to get help, but you can be there for him - and for him, seeing that a friend is sticking by him despite whatever it is that he is going through, will help hugely, believe me. Friends flock round us when we are happy, but it is amazing how fast they can vanish when things turn dark.

And I agree - point him our way, perhaps?

ps it is very draining trying to help and support a friend through a difficult time, especially if they don't want to get help themselves - so don't neglect yourself. We are here for you, and make sure you take care of you as well as your friend

 

[herbavore]

How long has your friend been sober? It's a huge adjustment to go from having relief from negative feelings, no matter how temporary, via a substance, to learning how to deal with those feelings sober. At first it can feel overwhelming and discouraging. Staying positive, while still validating that it is normal for him to struggle with that adjustment is probably the most helpful outlook.

Sometimes we can communicate judgement and disdain when all we really want is for the person we love to get better. Feeling angry that your friend doesn't do what you feel he needs to do isn't going to help him and it will really stress you out! By letting go of how he should get there, and just supporting him with a few suggestions and a lot of honest communication, you will be empowering him to find his own way. Knowing that you care as much as you do is probably helping more than you know.

 

[Dave]

Keep being there for your friend, even if it seems like they don't want you to be. Ask them about how they're doing, but make sure that you have a bunch of conversational topics that do not involve them directly should they not want to talk about themselves. Having been badly depressed, I remember that it was sometimes refreshing to speak of things completely unrelated to myself. While it would take a bit of effort to get me involved in the conversation, once I was able to pull my head out of the mud as it were, I was able to focus on something outside of myself. Besides, socialization is excellent medicine for depression, if it can be done right.

One of the things that really gets one bogged down in depression is the fact that you get trapped in your head, which becomes self-reinforcing. All you think about is how miserable you are, and why you think that came to be. Conversation can help with that, but it is hard to keep from sliding back down. Which is where professional help comes along. Not necessarily medication-wise either; I found the best relief after seeing a psychologist for a while and recieving a rather intense treatment. It wasn't enough to cure me, but it showed me that it was possible to have relief, and gave me the tools to work on it myself, as well as lifting me up to the point where working on it myself actually produced results.

Keep supporting them, but also nudge them gently toward professionals. Nothing happens quickly with depression, so be patient. And take care of yourself too-- moods can be contagious.