Freshly clean, extremely miserable: Telling the truth to a forum as last resort.

[thelonging]

I'm going to type this and probably explode with emotion and either kill myself or feel better, either of which I am completely happy with. Sorry for any shitty grammar to come. I slept for the first time in four days for three hours tonight at an odd time, and I'm still fatigued and now just rotten/nap-hangover-feeling.

I started drinking kratom a few years ago. It was awesome and occasional but I knew deep down I'd eventually get at least mentally addicted to it, as I just generally wanted to abuse substances from time to time, even with months of time with no alcohol or anything prior to kratom, and I did. It just suited me better than other drugs. The longest I ever abstained from it for, after "physical dependence," was three weeks in those years. I felt great at three weeks. So I thought I could use again. Withdrawaling was never shit before, except mentally, but even before I didn't have all this built up shitty guilt and anxiety and complete deep and pure self-hatred. I just got bored, and socially-awkward, but always eventually started feeling better and was "happier" when I was "happy" than when using kratom. But! when I started using again, I actually just completely abandoned self-discipline and fast forward some time later I realize just how fast my orders are going, do the division and realize I might be fucked, that I am doing insane amounts of this stupid plant. I completely avoid this issue as I'm "in school" (doing however terribly) and have income. Then I run out of money, and drop out, and go home, and then begins the truly worst time: Start borrowing money to avoid withdrawals or face reality. This goes on for far, far, far too long. Add to this a run-through of three different anti-depressants and in the last year, benzo abuse/spotty dependency. A truly potent sum of chemical-imbalance.

Then I start doing terrible dishonest and miserable shit to afford my lifestyle. And I guess I just mean borrowing and taking money from the people I love. I can't live with this. At all. I'm not supposed to be a bum. I was supposed to be successful. But I'm the lowest of the low. On top of that, I'd already cried wolf to everyone and told them I'd quit. Now I've only really "quit." And no one knows what I'm going through. Physically I'm fine, cold, but fine. Mentally I'm anguished beyond that which I can handle. I don't feel that I deserve to whine about being extremely dishonest to the people I care about most. How could I use THESE people? What keeps me wanting to use is that, and (as strongly) the fact that my girlfriend, who I've been through a lot with, and is the only thing I love more than drugs, just doesn't seem to like me when I'm not using. She says she'll be fine with me being a squirmy, awkward, inconfident cry-baby for a while. But she got really impatient, really fast. She parties and is extremely social. It's a huge part of her life. I, on the other hand, am extremely introverted when I'm not high, quite obviously there's some extreme anxiety disorder I've given myself. I can't even be comfortable around the girl I love, that's why I am in another town at my family's house doing the withdrawals "Just lookin' for jobs." And it kills me. It drives me fucking insane. I'll lose her if I quit, she'll likely be very, very unimpressed with what I am. Or I could continue using and hiding it from her. But I can't take the half-assed job hunting I've done sporadically for a while now when I'll get "motivation." I just never get to a point where I'm not sedentary before I start using to feel confident and strong again. If I get my hands on money, I'll probably use. Add to this all an extreme amount of debt. Dangerous...time's-running-out debt. And I'm fucked. I've fucked myself.

This current withdrawal was the worst. Because this is the one where I faced the pit of shame that is now in place of a once pretty bright life. I'd fucked up. But I'd never stooped so low. I've cried wolf too many times. And now I can hardly be honest to anyone without ending up homeless, I'm sure. I don't have money. Or drugs. To be quite certain. I'm under the impression that if I had a little bit more to actually get myself a job to start paying everyone back, I'll be fine. I'll be great. I'll keep the girl, I'll be respected and wanted again. Yeah, that's some shitty solution, but it's the only one I can think of. I'm pretty afraid of life right now, and honestly pondering suicide or drugs is what's kept me warm for the short, random moments that I actually am warm. I just want out of the fucking ditch. I just want to be normal.

I don't feel any better now.

 

[thelonging]

I know some Kratom-Defenders are going to hate this thread. I'd like to say Kratom isn't the problem. It was my fear and laziness.

 

[Tommyboy]

You have to give it some time. Right now the combination of sleep deprivation and facing reality (both due to the cessation of your drug use) is making this seem a lot worse than they will seem once you get some clean time. The flood of emotions that comes back strongly when you stop drug use can be very overwhelming.

I would recommend a weekend away with your girlfriend. This way you can both try to figure things out with any mind altering substances. If it's meant to be, then you will work things out.

Addiction causes people to rationalize their drug use. "They/she won't like me unless I'm high," "I'm not productive unless I'm using," "I won't have any fun sober," "The drugs aren't a problem," etc. Try to realize that this is your mind trying to trick you, and don't give in to that kind of thinking.

I'm in a pretty similar situation when it comes to finding a job. I think that I am basically a phone call (job offer from one of the places I have applied to) will change things drastically. It's pretty frustrating getting yelled at all the time about finding a job, when I am looking for employment (when I feel well enough to do so that is) and know that I may be a week away from everything changing if I do get one of these jobs.

 

[effie]

^ excellent advice Tommy..

One of the reasons getting clean is so hard is that reality comes flooding back, coupled with the WDs - you are having to confront things you were escaping (or being cushioned from) with drugs, but instead of confronting them when you are feeling strong and at your best you have to face them when you are feeling really awful. It is no wonder things are hard

However, things will get better! As you get past the WDs and start to adjust to being clean it will get a lot easier to deal with reality. I think you need to look after yourself at the moment - focus on taking care of you and doing whatever you need to to help yourself. Do you have any support around you? I agree that it might be a good idea to take some time away from your girlfriend - the last thing you need when you are trying to get yourself back on your feet is worry and stress about your relationship. I know it is hard but now is the time to really concentrate on yourself and what you need

 

[Kerrigan]

What keeps me wanting to use is that, and (as strongly) the fact that my girlfriend, who I've been through a lot with, and is the only thing I love more than drugs, just doesn't seem to like me when I'm not using.

You love her even though she wants you to continue your addiction; to worsen your state of mind and anxiety; to increase your debt indefinitely; to potentially get your legs broken or shot, and you say that you love this person.

She says she'll be fine with me being a squirmy, awkward, inconfident cry-baby for a while. But she got really impatient, really fast. She parties and is extremely social. It's a huge part of her life.

She doesn't understand, she's not an addict.

I, on the other hand, am extremely introverted when I'm not high, quite obviously there's some extreme anxiety disorder I've given myself. I can't even be comfortable around the girl I love, that's why I am in another town at my family's house doing the withdrawals "Just lookin' for jobs." And it kills me. It drives me fucking insane. I'll lose her if I quit, she'll likely be very, very unimpressed with what I am. Or I could continue using and hiding it from her.

Whatever you believe, I don't expect this girl loves you. She sounds like a fickle girl unworthy of your time, and whether she 'truly' loves you or not, if you fail to pay all of your debts back by remaining jobless, becoming homeless, then perhaps becoming dead, I doubt she'll be happy that you did what she said.

Forget the girl.
Get clean.
Find a job.
Pay off debts.
Deal with the girl later: if she cares, she'll wait for you.

This is about you, and you're the one in pain, with sweat and muscle spasms and mood swings and agony as your brain copes with the fact that its environment has changed and adapts to that... like some kind of evil frog - but it's not about someone who has no addictions, so they neither deserve to be dragged down by you nor deserve to doom you to a downward spiral of death by telling you that they prefer you on lots of drugs, even if it means getting your knees broken. Good luck.

 

[n@nn@]

^^^^ SO well said