Fresh Starts and New Lives. The January 2015 getting and staying sober thread.

[xburtonchic]

Thanks Just A Guy. that made me feel a lot better, I like that way of looking at it!!

I am back at it, I really want to get back to where I was the first time I got some clean time under my belt. I just need to remember that if I did it before I can do it again. And find the strength from somewhere, anywhere, to just make it through the acute phase without talking myself into doing "just a little bit so I'll feel better". I have to feel bad for a while, there's no way around it.

And I do really want to be clean

 

[straightrazor]

My best friend (with benefits) asked me to marry her today.

A.) Who marries their best friend
B.) Doesn't she realize how much of a fuckup I am?

I am totally and completely caught off guard

 

[neversickanymore]

A.) Who marries their best friend

The luckiest genius i have ever even heard of

 

[BlueSaffron]

My best friend (with benefits) asked me to marry her today.

A.) Who marries their best friend
B.) Doesn't she realize how much of a fuckup I am?

I am totally and completely caught off guard

do you love her? or more importantly, are you IN love with her? If I may be so impertinent.

xburton - doesn't matter. Just keep trying

I went to go cop more subs today and my guy only had one pill :/ and he doesn't get more til the 20th. I was doing good doing 1mg a day for a little bit, now I'm back up to 2. He's going to look around for me and see if he can find a couple but it's not guaranteed. So I need to really parcel it out now. I took 2 mg this morning, thats it for today and its fine, but I know tomorrow when I only take 1mg its gonna suck a little.

My sub guy is also my dope guy. We were sitting in his car shooting the shit while he played me Korn songs trying to get me into them (not happening), and the whole time I had an extra 20 in my pocket, I could've copped SO easy. But I didnt want to. I mean I really honestly on my mom, didn't want to cop or do heroin. I mean even the other day when I found that dope and broke it down only to throw it out, it wasn't "I dont want to do this", it was more "I want to do this but fuck that, I have a little clean time and I dont want to ruin it". But this time I just honestly didnt want to do it. Tbh it was a trippy feeling. I'm so used to just wanting opiates.

 

[phactor]

do you love her? or more importantly, are you IN love with her? If I may be so impertinent.

xburton - doesn't matter. Just keep trying

I went to go cop more subs today and my guy only had one pill :/ and he doesn't get more til the 20th. I was doing good doing 1mg a day for a little bit, now I'm back up to 2. He's going to look around for me and see if he can find a couple but it's not guaranteed. So I need to really parcel it out now. I took 2 mg this morning, thats it for today and its fine, but I know tomorrow when I only take 1mg its gonna suck a little.

My sub guy is also my dope guy. We were sitting in his car shooting the shit while he played me Korn songs trying to get me into them (not happening), and the whole time I had an extra 20 in my pocket, I could've copped SO easy. But I didnt want to. I mean I really honestly on my mom, didn't want to cop or do heroin. I mean even the other day when I found that dope and broke it down only to throw it out, it wasn't "I dont want to do this", it was more "I want to do this but fuck that, I have a little clean time and I dont want to ruin it". But this time I just honestly didnt want to do it. Tbh it was a trippy feeling. I'm so used to just wanting opiates.

Just keep building on that clean time, the more "recovery capital" you have, the less likely you are to give it away. I am so proud of you?

Would you consider going the Sub doctor route?

 

[wanting]

Blue Saffron: You are the strongest person for dumping the heroin and then not copping. I'd like to think I would be that strong, but I still get this little flicker of hope when I clean the house that I'll find a stray pill somewhere. I just made 5 months clean. I miss the escape, but I so happy to be rid of the guilt and hiding. Every now and then, I "forget" for a second that I'm clean, and get this momentary panic of being out of pills...or that my husband will go look in my old stash drawer...or that my doctor will demand a urine test. And then I remember that I don't have to worry about any of that anymore and I get this HUGE flood of relief.

I'm working hard at getting healthier. I'm eating better, and I've actually been going to the gym since New Year's day. My life still feels out of control because I have to experience all my emotions now, but I'm hoping that that will get easier.

 

[laCster]

good job blue saffron, keep positive and try to remember that heroin will not bring you the euphoria that you think it will. it will not bring that everlasting warmth you crave. for me, everytime i got high, i would feel good for an hour or so, then i would feel like shit because i kept thinking ," FUCK i got high again, i told myself i wasnt going to do this anymore!"

know that it never brings anything good, and know that what you TRULY want is NOT heroin. for me, i just want to be loved and accepted. i shield myself by doing drugs and exacerbating a persona that is connected to my drug usage, but that is not ME. i believe the reason i fear so much and get so high all the time is because i am just more sensitive than most individuals, i try to shield that squishy and vulnerable part of myself so that i wont get hurt. but by protecting myself, i end up hurting myself more. i have to let myself FEEL emotions, FEEL pain, and FEEL anxiety and depression to become happy and whole.

you are so strong for not doing heroin with your subs guy! wow! i would have shot up the heroin even if i had subs in me, especially if i knew the dope was literally right next to me!! dont be so hard on yourself, i find that when i am too hard on myself for using drugs, i end up using even more drugs!! (what a fucking twist)!! whenever you start to criticize yourself for using drugs, pretend giving yourself a big hug, because that is all that you might need! i would never wish drug addiction upon anyone, and i know how it is. one moment you feel so confident about staying sober, and before you know it you end up starring down a barrel of a BD syringe! like what the fuck? even if you have to take more subs, just dont be hard on yourself! it is alot better than injecting heroin!

if you can, try not to inject suboxone (soooo ironic coming from me LOL). i know you want the feeling of the needle, even if you dont get a rush from suboxone. i would stop injecting suboxone for maybe ONE day, then i would find myself shooting that orange goop up again. i would be so confused and i would berate myself for being so stupid, "like sub doesnt even have a rush? fuck it i dont care about life anymore," i would say as i am shooting up in the bathroom of walmart. the needle is just such a bitch man, you have to try put that down.

even if you have to take twice the dosage as sub, just lay down that needle first, i wouldnt even try to get off subs while still injecting it.



anyways, i had a bunch of fucking using dreams last night. it fucked with my head and it made me wake up in a bitchy mood and start the day off bad. i have come to learn, so what if today is bad? it is the only thing i have, this one and only day. i know i am not going to get high, but it sucks to keep thinking about dope. however, i have no one else to blame but myself as i was the only person who put that needle in my arm.

 

[xburtonchic]

I went and hung out with my best friend from high school last night and her mom and her kids and her boyfriend... it was sooo much fun!! I played WiiFit with her son and then we were playing Ninja Turtles for a while (he has the masks and everything haha it was cool)... it's shit like last night tho that I miss the most when I'm using... just the little things about being sober that completely pass you by when you're all opiated. I don't wanna say that heroin would take me out of the moment... more like it put me in my own moment and the rest of the world in their own. Like two separate entities. Heroin like separates you from your soul... all opiates do... that shit is the devil incarnate!!!

We started taking shots of Fireball and I knew I was gonna regret it today. I am haha. But I'm still clean

Edit: I should clarify... I regret it because being hungover + detoxing is sooo NOT the business... not because I consider it a slip or anything. Just fyi lol. Alcohol was never my problem

Also, BlueSaffron, major props on being able to pass up the heroin. Especially after having it all cooked and ready. If I'm at that point, I'm already past the point of no return. You're hella strong, give yourself some credit!! Seriouslyy

Edit x2: Technically I'm a little over 2 days past my little slipup now and my withdrawals actually seem a bit less intense... guess I didn't throw myself back to square one after all :D so I've decided to look at it as a taper of sorts instead of a lapse... haha for real tho, I messed up with taking too much Suboxone the first time around. the withdrawals were a bit too much before going full on cold turkey off of them without any clonodine or anything. I wasn't even fully off of them yet and the withdrawals, for whatever reason, were already getting bad. I could just already tell how it was gonna go once I was off of them completely. So in a way I'm glad this happened... it seems to have softened the process a little bit, at least enough to make it bearable. It's funny how I'm only a few days clean and yet my life already feels more calm and stable and positive than it ever did when I was using, even in the midst of detoxing!!

 

[BlueSaffron]

Just keep building on that clean time, the more "recovery capital" you have, the less likely you are to give it away. I am so proud of you?

Would you consider going the Sub doctor route?

Thanks Phactor... I have nothing againts going to a sub doc, I just don't want to be on it long term - I mean getting the appt would take a few days, I probably wouldn't get my prescription til next week, meanwhile i only have one pill left, so if I just take it as normal itll be gone in 2-3 days and then I'd need to do heroin til i can get my prescription. And I dont want to do that because as soon as I do heroin I will make an excuse to do it "just one more day". So I am taking the lack of subs as a sign that I need to just quit. I'm going to use the last pill to do a quick taper. If I fail I fail, but I'm going to at least try. If I do fail though I'm going to call the sub dr, cos I dont want to be on heroin.

 

[realtalkloc]

thought everything was going great (it actually was) but then the worst depression hit me, perhaps i'm bipolar or something.

do you feel like drugs caused it?

 

[BlueSaffron]

Thanks wanting I dont feel like I"m strong, I feel like I escaped by the skin of my teeth... mean I was going to DO it. There was no hesitation, as soon as I found it was like fuck yes. But then once it was broken in front of me I just couldn't do it. I don't know why. Maybe I"m starting to have hope that there is a better life out there without drugs, and I just don't want to go backwards, even for one day.

good job blue saffron, keep positive and try to remember that heroin will not bring you the euphoria that you think it will. it will not bring that everlasting warmth you crave. for me, everytime i got high, i would feel good for an hour or so, then i would feel like shit because i kept thinking ," FUCK i got high again, i told myself i wasnt going to do this anymore!"

yup, exactly. And thats so hard to remember when you're craving, but it's true. You get about one hour of "yes", and the rest of it is just aww man, I fucked up, I shouldn't have done this....

know that it never brings anything good, and know that what you TRULY want is NOT heroin. for me, i just want to be loved and accepted. i shield myself by doing drugs and exacerbating a persona that is connected to my drug usage, but that is not ME. i believe the reason i fear so much and get so high all the time is because i am just more sensitive than most individuals, i try to shield that squishy and vulnerable part of myself so that i wont get hurt. but by protecting myself, i end up hurting myself more. i have to let myself FEEL emotions, FEEL pain, and FEEL anxiety and depression to become happy and whole.

yup again. I mostly use because I'm frustrated with my life right now, theres a lot going on I"m stressed about, and because there's someone I want to be with who I dont get to see nearly enough, and it's hard. The thing is though, drugs have messed up some good times I had with him, just from me either being too high or too sick to really connect with him. I didn't even realize that for the longest time, and now I do and it fucks with me. I realize now that you cant have it both ways. I can numb the pain, but I'll end up numbing/messing with my happiness too. Or I can go through the pain sober, and also be sober and aware and present for the good things in my life, so I can actually feel them.

you are so strong for not doing heroin with your subs guy! wow! i would have shot up the heroin even if i had subs in me, especially if i knew the dope was literally right next to me!! dont be so hard on yourself, i find that when i am too hard on myself for using drugs, i end up using even more drugs!! (what a fucking twist)!! whenever you start to criticize yourself for using drugs, pretend giving yourself a big hug, because that is all that you might need! i would never wish drug addiction upon anyone, and i know how it is. one moment you feel so confident about staying sober, and before you know it you end up starring down a barrel of a BD syringe! like what the fuck? even if you have to take more subs, just dont be hard on yourself! it is alot better than injecting heroin!

if you can, try not to inject suboxone (soooo ironic coming from me LOL). i know you want the feeling of the needle, even if you dont get a rush from suboxone. i would stop injecting suboxone for maybe ONE day, then i would find myself shooting that orange goop up again. i would be so confused and i would berate myself for being so stupid, "like sub doesnt even have a rush? fuck it i dont care about life anymore," i would say as i am shooting up in the bathroom of walmart. the needle is just such a bitch man, you have to try put that down.

even if you have to take twice the dosage as sub, just lay down that needle first, i wouldnt even try to get off subs while still injecting it.



anyways, i had a bunch of fucking using dreams last night. it fucked with my head and it made me wake up in a bitchy mood and start the day off bad. i have come to learn, so what if today is bad? it is the only thing i have, this one and only day. i know i am not going to get high, but it sucks to keep thinking about dope. however, i have no one else to blame but myself as i was the only person who put that needle in my arm.

I've done opiates for a long time, I think much of the fascination and romanticization (is that a word?) is gone for me now. I don't shoot subs, and I quit shooting H a long time ago, I just snort it now, so that's not an issue. I had a needle fixation for a while, but I"m happy to say it's pretty much gone. Never thought that would happen, but it did, and I mean I was in love with the needle, so if anyone thinks they can't get over that - you can.


Using dreams suck. Stay strong

 

[BlueSaffron]

I just want to be the girl that does the smart thing, the right thing, for once in my life.

 

[xburtonchic]

^^ you're already doing it, Blue!! Mission accomplished

Day 3

 

[DuckieMan]

Month and a half clean from a 10 year opiate habit. Huge H habit $400-600 per day. Just turned 30 last week, still depressed as all hell lethergic, hhardly leave my room but still optimistic for my recovery. My main question is, I have almost no support system at all in place because I moved across the country 3 years ago to escape my life in a sense ended up doing the same shit though. Anyway, I have no belief in a higher power nor will I ever believe in one. Is NA a waste of time? Just looking for some type of support system incase I do have thoughts of going back to that life. I looked for close smart options but there are none even remotely close. Do I have to believe in god for na to be effective? It's mainly 12 step programs close by. I also get extremely irritated when people try to push their beliefs on me which might trigger me to use if that's what goes down at 12 step programs.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

14 days off heroin. i drank wednesday night, it was fun to be around people my age, but it really did scare me.

congrats on the 14 days off heroin man

I have what, I think 2 close to 3 months off suboxone

look up to me, if I can do it, you can too

I relapsed for a couple of days So disappointed in myself. I was halfway out of the tunnel and now I'm back to square one...

don't blame yourself

just get back on suboxone

and delete those #'s from dealers
cut off the phone service if you have to
give the keys to your car (if you have one?) to loved ones
give away your money and only allow loved ones to get you food, etc with it

if you do all that and still are about to find a way to relapse, get yourself into inpatient

theoretically those steps should help

stay strong X

Thanks Just A Guy. that made me feel a lot better, I like that way of looking at it!!

I am back at it, I really want to get back to where I was the first time I got some clean time under my belt. I just need to remember that if I did it before I can do it again. And find the strength from somewhere, anywhere, to just make it through the acute phase without talking myself into doing "just a little bit so I'll feel better". I have to feel bad for a while, there's no way around it.

And I do really want to be clean

that's how I felt July - Oct of 2014

when I relapsed I didn't post about it on BL at all

until the end

you aren't as ashamed of yourself as I was

so know that and take pride in that

My best friend (with benefits) asked me to marry her today.

A.) Who marries their best friend
B.) Doesn't she realize how much of a fuckup I am?

I am totally and completely caught off guard

recently my mom was talking to me on the phone

and she said "i married your father XX years ago, and I married my best friend, and I still love him"

that's the point of marriage

you marry your best friend

if you aren't ready let her know

if you are but are scared, let her know

just talk about your emotions and feelings, either way, she will love you for it

Month and a half clean from a 10 year opiate habit. Huge H habit $400-600 per day. Just turned 30 last week, still depressed as all hell lethergic, hhardly leave my room but still optimistic for my recovery. My main question is, I have almost no support system at all in place because I moved across the country 3 years ago to escape my life in a sense ended up doing the same shit though. Anyway, I have no belief in a higher power nor will I ever believe in one. Is NA a waste of time? Just looking for some type of support system incase I do have thoughts of going back to that life. I looked for close smart options but there are none even remotely close. Do I have to believe in god for na to be effective? It's mainly 12 step programs close by. I also get extremely irritated when people try to push their beliefs on me which might trigger me to use if that's what goes down at 12 step programs.

NA isn't a waste of time

you can't waste time

but if you ask me, don't go

there isn't a higher power outside of yourself to help you, you are your own guiding light through this tunnel. keep going, stay sober

fuck heroin, fuck its hold over human beings, fuck addiction, fuck other people's beliefs, hold your own and get yourself through this

 

[neversickanymore]

24 more y'all

 

[Smoky]

Hey Congratulations everyone ! !
4.5 months off the dope (all drugs) for me ... took this out walking this morning with the pups!

 

[xburtonchic]

lol yeah, I used to not post about it on here either when I would relapse. Now I just feel like being ashamed and trying to hide it doesn't help at all, and at it's worst, it just helps perpetuate the cycle of using and relapsing. I'm a chronic relapser, that's something I've had to come to terms with and it was hard... but I won't kid myself into thinking I can get away with chipping anymore.

So I have a question for you guys... *PSYCHEDELIC TRIGGER WARNING FYI*

I've really wanted to try Ibogaine for my addiction for a while now, but I live in California and wouldn't even know where to look. I'm wondering if you guys think other psychedelics could be of value? Something like, say... LSD? And if so, what suggestions do you guys have for preparation and etc.? I've only ever taken it once, but I found it to be a great reminder about the interconnectedness of the universe and helping me expand my mind and it had a nice afterglow. I know it's not anywhere near as intense as something like Ibogaine or DMT (which would be the really beneficial psychedelics to take), but they're not available to me at the moment... and I've had a tab of LSD sitting around and it's just going to waste, and I think it could be beneficial to me both spiritually and with my addiction if I do it the right way. And please save the lectures about total abstinence... weed and psychedelics are not going to be disappearing from my life anytime soon and they've always done more good to me than harm... I really do feel like I could use it as a tool to help me quit. I just don't know where to start I guess. Idk lol what do you guys think??

 

[DuckieMan]

Personally I have gotten clean 2 times for nearly a year each time, psychs really aided me in making it that long. If you go into it with a set of points you want to address while tripping I feel they are a great tool for it. Both times I used 25i. I have some shrooms growing atm that will be done in a month, I feel once I get to use them it will greatly aid my recovery as it normally does. I also feel pot is great for keeping your mind off copping, I have no uncontrollable urges with anything but opiates, I buy trees one week every month then take a break. Make sure you have a good mindset going in and maybe have a set of bullet points to keep the trip on path, i personally have never had a bad trip and I've done psychs hundreds of times since i cultivate fungus myself, so i am not sure how detrimental a bad trip may be for recovery.

Also heroin.helper I basically from the get go had the mindset that I was on my own, been that way for a long while. I have just been reading a lot and seems a support system is always suggested, I'm just wondering if at 12 stepmeeting they preach about god and stuff, if so they are definitely not for me, just trying to find my version of a support system as I have no friends here who aren't still using and I basically have no family. Maybe ill start seei g how the SMART online meetings are. In my heart I know I am finally done with that lifestyle but some of the stuff going on in my life are pretty insane and no sign of it clearing up soon so every day I am super stressed, started working out again though and been keeping busy so that helps but can't sleep at night with how stressed I am when I try and lay down.

 

[xburtonchic]

Thanks for the feedback I think a bad trip could go either way tbh, I find that bad trips do have their value but only if you're able to realize it's just a bad trip while you're INSIDE the trip... if that makes sense haha. Bad trips have turned into some of my most valuable/spiritual trips... but still, they do take a lot out of you mentally and that's not so great in early recovery, so I definitely plan on doing whatever I can to NOT have one lol... I'll be going into it with a good mindset and a few goals for sure

If you're having trouble sleeping, you should try something like Melatonin. Also resetting your circadian rhythm might help, or listening to soft music, binaural beats, guided visualization/meditation... all that can help!! I have trouble with insomnia sometimes too sooo I totally get where you're coming from, and I've had success with all of that stuff before. Hopefully something in there can help you too cuz not sleeping freaking sucks!!! Above all though, just try to let go of your stress dude... think about solutions to the things you can control and work on letting go of and having acceptance for the rest