Free to a Good Home

[n3wt]

Just something else I've been working on.

YouTube video here : http://youtu.be/eTrDpJVWo9I

the wind has got me sideways and I
don't know the right way to go
free to a good home

and all I want is just a place to rest my bones
as I bed down alone
free to a good home

so if you see me wandering the streets at night
lonely shadow by the streetlight
won't you be kind to me?

'cause if I had someplace to be
or somebody waiting for me
you wouldn't see me

it's just the wind has got me sideways
so I can't see the right way to go
free to a good home
free to a good home

sir I'm not proud to be begging for your scraps
but if you had some change perhaps
toss it down to the street

and if I use your change to buy a beer
it's only 'cause it's so damn cold out here
have you ever slept on concrete?

you know all I want is just a place to rest my bones
as I bed down alone
free to a good home

but if this wind keeps blowin' me sideways
i'll never find the right way to go
free to a good home
free to a good home

 

[jackie jones]

I feel your words. I really think you can do something with this.

My only criticism is: if you are considering this for a song, the words "Free to a good home" and "it's just the wind has got me sideways so I can't see the right way to go" do not roll off the tongue very well. It needs to flow better. Do you see what I mean?

 

[n3wt]

Actually in this case I'm not sure I do see what you mean...

I'm not considering it for a song, it is a song. I included a YouTube video of myself playing it into my webcam, and the line "it's just the wind has got me sideways so I can't see the right way to go" has the same number of syllables as other lines occupying the same part of the verse so I'm not sure why it doesn't flow properly...

 

[ForEverAfter]

Syllabic count is not everything. You also have to consider stresses. Personally I say fuck the syllabic count for the sake of flow. Flow is far more important than formula. Jackie is right, in my opinion. The line needs a tweak. It almost seems as if you have trimmed it down to fit the formula. Specifically, it is grammatically incorrect. Which is fine in poetry, but the rest of the poem/song is grammatically correct causing this line to stand out. "It's just the wind has got me" is clunky. To a lesser extent, "Free to a good home," isn't ideal in terms of syntax. It is grammatically correct, but the meter is off (as it has been established throughout the rest of the piece). It is not, in it's current state, worthy of such repetition. There is something wrong with it. If you analyse the stress pattern it becomes apparent: what.

Feedback is invaluable; cherish it. Your potential is only limited by your ability to accept criticism. You are a very good lyricist but you could be great.

 

[n3wt]

I welcome criticism, I just wasn't sure I agreed with it. Now that another person is backing that criticism up I'll have to look into it. I understand how "It's just the wind has got me sideways" could seem clunky and I'll look into streamlining that, but I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with "free to a good home." Could you elaborate on that?

Does it fail on the page, in execution (as in, when I'm playing the song) or both?

 

[ForEverAfter]

It fails both on the page and in execution. When you sing it you run through "to a good" very quickly because there are no stresses. That is the problem. The stress is at the beginning (free) and the end (home) of the line. This is both in terms of lyric and song. When you sing it, you can change the stresses to a certain extent. But don't do that. The way it is pronounced naturally is the way it should be pronounced. You repeat the line with the stress at the beginning and the end. This means there is a stress in the beginning (free), two stresses in the middle (home/free) and one at the end (home).

I am not a believer on the formulaic, per say. But you can't have partially grammatically correct songs or partially metered songs. It just sounds wrong. Here is a contrary example: "and all I want is just a place to rest my bones." The stresses are: all/ want/ just/ place/ rest/ bones, the major stresses being: want/ place/ bones. Translating it into stress, major stress and non-stress, you get this: b/ a/ b/ A/ b/ a/ b/ A/ b/ a/ b/ A. In other words, very formulaic; the melody of the words is established to be structured rather than free form. The following line "as I bed down alone," follows the same structure. It is: b/ a/ b/ A, more or less. In terms of melody, the line "And all I want is just a place to rest my bones, as I bed down alone," is the strongest line. It is also, in terms of poetry, the strongest line.

"'cause if I had someplace to be
or somebody waiting for me
you wouldn't see me"

Here, the repetition of me and me doesn't work. Specifically because, contextually, the last line is an incomplete clause. The way that it reads, something is expected after me. Both because it doesn't follow the syllabic count of the previous stanza and because it doesn't make as much sense as some of the other lines. Both because of the formula and the fact that it ends on a non-stress. That is the way it reads and that is the way you sing it. This line would work better if you added something after "me". "You wouldn't see me there," or something.

"sir I'm not proud to be begging for your scraps
but if you had some change perhaps
toss it down to the street"

I mentioned earlier that you run through the "to a good" part of "Free to a good home". You also run through the end of this^ stanza. You sing it: "down to-the street". Why? Because there are too many syllables there and the incorrect arrangement of stresses. It seems like you're trying to sub-consciously compensate for this by combining the words "to" and "the" into one. It would be better if you cut the word "to". Just make it "down the street": same meaning; better flow.

"and if I use your change to buy a beer
it's only 'cause it's so damn cold out here"

This doesn't make sense, in terms of logic. You buy beer because it's cold? Beer is cold. I don't think I've ever seen a homeless person drinking beer on a cold night. Or any other night. Seems like it's just beer because it rhymes with here. Like the rhyme is more important than the meaning.

Sorry if that's too specific.