Freaking out a bit

[OhBoyCali]

Hi all,

I only post every now and then, but I've always read and got alot of strength from reading TDS. I won't go into the back story too much, but I'm an alcoholic with depression problems (been taking zoloft now, hasn't done a fucking thing as far as I can tell) and have tremendous troubles with coke, but I've been sober and drug-free (not even pot or a cigarette for that matter) for almost exactly a month, had kept away from the "scene" and I was looking forward to a healthy, happy 2011...

But then today happened. I had finally found a job that I like doing and that keeps me busy, but today they told me that they are switching things around, and the "last to come is the first to go" even though I thought I had been doing a pretty good job at it.

Then, already upset, a ran into a girl I know, a former fiance for whom I had given up blow/alc at some point, and started again, hard, after she left me. And the run-in with her wasn't pretty, at all.

And now I have the phone in my hand ready to call the Man to get hooked up with a few g's....and I'm freaking out. My hand is shaking, and I'm getting desperate to go to the bar. I just want to bump a few lines and drink the hurt away. Fuck, I honestly feel as tho everytime thing is going good, some shit happens to derail it. It seems as tho my life only has two speeds- full throttle and a dangerous mess to myself and others, or slow and sober and just dangerously depressed in my own head.

I don't know where this is going...but I just wanted to get that off my chest. I don't really have anyone to talk to, I live in a new city now, and my family hasn't exactly been supportive with stuff, so I won't even bother.

Thanks for listening. I hope I don't break down today, but shit, sometimes a dude just can't win in this life shit u know

 

[TINK]

I feel your pain. That has happened to me before. Be strong. You can get through it.

 

[Tommyboy]

Fuck, I honestly feel as tho everytime thing is going good, some shit happens to derail it. It seems as tho my life only has two speeds- full throttle and a dangerous mess to myself and others, or slow and sober and just dangerously depressed in my own head.

I feel you on that, but after time the "de-railments" happen less and less frequently.

My relapses have become less and less frequent, and my quality of life has actually gotten better. I never thought I would say that.

 

[Lolie]

The thing I always try to keep in mind is that getting wasted is just going to leave me with yet another problem on top of those I've already got.

I try to think of "derailments" as the Universe testing just how committed I am to keeping my life stable and drama-free.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I hope I don't break down today, but shit, sometimes a dude just can't win in this life shit u know

Yes you CAN win at this life shit! You've been winning at it ever since you got sober a month ago. One month of sobriety is a huge achievment so you KNOW you can do it.
Today was a huge test, not one but two heavy things happened. But part of being sober is learning to get through stuff like this using your own emotional control, which you definitely can do.

Just keep distracting yourself so that you do call the guy to get some. You don't need it man. You've got you, and your strength, and your willpower. That is all you need to get through this

 

[OhBoyCali]

So far so good. I haven't called the guy yet, and I haven't started boozing. I'm struggling though, I've just been pacing back and forth in my shitty little apartment with water swelling up in my eyes, trying not to break down. I've derailed so many times before when I've tried quit, it seems like theres always something that gets me mad/sad, and I really haven't had the will power before to stop.

I really appreciate the kind words from y'all. You have no idea how much. I wish people who I knew in "real" life would throw in a kind word every now and then. BL and TDS in general sort of restore a little faith in the kindness of humans, you know?

I just dno. I hope things get better, but I can honestly say that so far, life has been just as bad as it was when I was coked up and drinking, except that now I have nobody but myself. I lost so many of my friends when I stopped, and now I have no place to go and nobody to turn to. It's times like these when I wish I had more faith in religion....cuz sober, secular, reality isn't great from what I can tell.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Do you think you might feel better if you actually let yourself cry?? Crying helps some people, and it might be okay if you let yourself have a good cry. You might feel better afterwards
Just keep doing what you're doing to distract yourself from calling the guy, then get some sleep. Imagine the immense feeling of pride in yourself when you wake up tomorrow morning knowing that you didn't use

 

[OhBoyCali]

Hey guys-

In case anyone was curious, I made it through the night without drinking or hitting up the dealer man. Unfortunately, I did so by taking several Ambiens, which I've been pretty much dependent for sleep anyway. One problem at a time I guess-I'll deal with that some other time. I still feel the URGE to drink/snort/smoke today, but it's somewhat more manageable feeling than yesterday evening.

Thanks again for the kind words.

 

[attempt4]

God, I wish I could get a plane over there and help a brother out, as I know exactly what you are going through. I've had bad drink problems amongst other drugs (kratom and poppy pods) and when I was younger I was better at controlling the urges, but the last 2 years I would just think "fuck it, i dont care, do it now" and it was not only take me back to square one, but even lower than before.

You did INCREDIBLY well to deal with what happened yesterday whilst staying clean. If you got some coke and a drink, you would have woken up this morning in such a bad way but you didn't. N3ophy7e said it well when he (or she, im still not sure about that one) said that these "derailments" in your life are a good way of testing your strength and building it.

You know mate, the fact that you went through last night, went to sleep sober (exclude the ambien) and woke up this morning with a fresher head, non-hungover/comedown head and found the strength to battle through it just goes to show how incredibly strong you are and how far you've come. When you feel these urges to use, look back on the moments like last night.

These urges will only get smaller and less significant.
I lost my job last year because I was just too much of a liability and the final straw was when I collapsed in work from ridiculous amounts of GBL, poppies, sleeping tablets, a shitload of DXM and some beer. This wasnt a new combo at all and the amounts weren't particularly larger than i would normally use, but i was getting too big for my boots and i just KO'd right there and then. I was fired the next day and went on a ridiculous bender for 6 months, non-stop.

The best feeling in the world was getting the job back (you will, you WILL get another job man, this is just a minor glitch, a stepping stone towards a better life) and getting cleaner and stronger.

Basically, things can only get better for you. You've displayed wonderful character and your bitch of an ex is definitely not worth you ruining how far you've come. Jobs come and go, thats the way the world is atm unfortunately. But things can only go up for you.