Fragile and high

[emotionisdead67]

I had just deleted the older copy. Heres a newer and bit more revised. Somethings missing still, I'm having some difficulty getting this to what I want it to be. It's fun though because of this.

Balanced and situated in his room. The fleeting sounds of bass intruding through the walls and pulsating through the ears of his family. Disturbing the comfort of there reading, video game playing and sleep. He corrupts the boring sound of silence.

A colorful window of messages had arised. Passed through a large network of computers and TCP/IP communications. An invite to a night of festivities. He traded the beats and lyrics of his music to the beat and words of his own.

He walked to the scene. Welcomed with smiles, high fives and a typical handshake. His psyche about to break. His mind battled to contain itself in whirlwinds of chaotic spirals of colorful blends. His ego played hide and seek amongst the weak.

Think, imagine, blink, pain, impulse, confusion, wonderment, coordinate, regulate and dream. The functions of a cauliflower brain. Integrate daily information, secure and reason with self. Protect, reveal or conceal. Dynamics and definitions we build our secret creations and marvel in our revelations. Our minds stand alone in the shady mist of its proclamations. The constitute of his inner workings.

All aboard the boat that floats through the river of neurons in currents of electrochemical mass. Transmitting data over vast waves of cells. Burnt out synapses and in there altered ness relay his confused information in a game of ping pong against the dendrites. The connections and perceptions and the slight misconceptions. Bouncing back and forth and back and forth.

The young man walked with direction and purpose. Not taking the time to make eye contact much. Drowned lungs and thoughtless thought and the intention to not ignore the listfull eyes of his companions. He was restless in his altered dwellings.

The thoughts exploded. Like fireworks that paint the night time sky. Sensory neurons transmitting sight. His receptors gushing with electical signals. An electrical storm explodes and rockets through his fragile mind. Implemeting thoughts of surreal creativity. His spinal cord a dead end detour. The medulla shot with a spark, his chest caves in then expands to the light in his life. Heavier, and heavier.

His hardwired brain a brilliant creation. The programming now astray. Like a computer program being debugged. Inhale then exhaled his cigarette smoke in clouds night time air. Replicating an already misty dew. Frontal lobe withers to the suffocation. His accustomed brain waits dormant as the current is overwhelmed. This spoken language it's new creation.

The boat lands in imaginary beaches of anxiety, it's all in his head. This is no vacation he says. He walked through forest of inebriation and meet the plants of confusion. Inside his minds faulty fabrications and enhanced devices.

Back to the scene. He mingled with time and reasons with rhyme. A conversation ensues that was as equally tasteful as a sugar coated lime. His back turned to the crowd. He disappeard in the dark alleys of the night. This time listening to the beats of his feet and open heart.

 

[(Wordy)]

I like the idea; I think it has potential.

These are some bits and pieces that I really like:

Cauliflower brain

Drowned lungs and thoughtless thought

He was restless in his altered dwellings.

His spinal cord a dead end detour.

At times the descriptions of neuro/physiological processes sound a little too clinical, as if they're straight from a textbook. I think you need to explore the poetry of these processes. You've begun to do this in parts of the piece.

As it stands I don't really like the "listing" you've done in the first sentence, and elsewhere. It could work very effectively, but at the moment it's a little too vague. Some of the terms need to be grounded, maybe in a visual image or some other sensory impression. The reader needs something concrete to cling to... not always, but at the start of the piece I think you need to be more definite.

So much for aesthetics. I think most of all you need to involve a more solid narrative, even if it's only hinted at. I think more interesting things need to happen to the character, and not just internally, although I realise your main impulse is to describe his internal workings while under the influence. I think he needs some more external stimuli, a situation, another character, perhaps some kind of conflict? Or if you wanted to keep it fairly internal, perhaps a bad memory resurfaces? Try introducing one or more of these things, and see what happens?

Also, the tense seems to shift between past and present. This can work if you're careful, but it's a little confused at the moment.

 

[emotionisdead67]

Yeah those were alot of the flaws I saw in it as well. I loved the idea and I did have fun writing it. I should've spent a bit more time on it. It's not finished I just wanted some ideas to help me polish it off.

This is a hard one but I think if I can just get it together I might have a nice piece.

Oh and btw, I deleted the old copy and reposted it back up at the top with a better copy.

We'll see where it goes and thank you for your insights.