Four months later and my anxiety is finally gone

[molly897]

It has been a long, long, long, long, LONG, LONG road to get back to normal. I read about people randomly waking up one day and feeling better, but I never took it so literal.

I abused MDMA weekly for 5 months, and used coke for 8 months (I'm ADD, it made me feel "calm" per say). My last time rolling (aswell as binging on a bottle of Adderall) was May 20th. Four days later I had to go to the hospital for dehydration after not eating or drinking (barely). I was glued to my bed, couldn't breathe, had extreme body pain, muscle cramping, fever, threw up, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, I was not able to function in those four days. My skin turned yellow, I lost 10 pounds in water weight and I looked so ill. In these four days is when I developed horrible anxiety. Even smoking weed put me in a panic attack, just one hit.

When I got out of the hospital, my body rejuvinated itself looks-wise but I was still suffering from anxiety. I would wake up in the morning shaking and not be able to breathe. I'd feel empty in general like I was going to fall over any minute. I developed depression more so than I have ever experienced before. Suicide was the only thing on my mind in the last four months. I didn't go out because I couldn't stand anyone except myself and my boyfriend. I couldn't be around my own mother longer than 20 minutes without it ruining my day and me shutting out everyone completely, isolating myself and crying. I cut myself more than ever, I cried more than ever, I fought more than ever. I hated everything. I brought everyone down with me.

All I could think is how bad I fucked myself up from drugs, and how I'd never get back to feeling just "ok". And come July, TWO MONTHS LATER, I'm still feeling the same exact way, if not worse. Because now I've been diagnosed with FIVE MENTAL DISORDERS I never had before drugs. I knew it was a misdiagnosis, but that means abusing those drugs changed my personality and perception in a way that I was diagnosed with major depression, borderline personality, anxiey, panic, ADHD and OCD. The ADHD I always believed though because of the way uppers calmed me down.

After I got diagnosed anxiety, I developed a small benzo addiction and built a tolerance to 4-5 a day. When I was diagnosed ADHD (all the while still experiencing panic attacks, anxiety, depression, depersonalization etc), I began taking Adderall, something I didn't even need to be on. I took this on and off since June, and recently (a week and a half ago) stopped taking it for good. Ever since stopping it, I have felt the most normal I ever have. My normal self BEFORE any drugs. Sitting around doesn't put me in a panic frenzy, any free time I have isn't spent dwelling on negative things, songs don't sound the same (in a good way), I can actually watch TV and enjoy it.. and I can be around my mom again.

But the weird part was how I had stopped Adderall in the past, and had no effect like this. I had stopped weed, all drugs even, tried SSRIs, SNRIS, dopamine reuppers, stopped those, you name it. Nothing worked except time, which was the last thing I thought was real, but the number one thing that heals all. The last time I blew coke was very early August. I knew I'd have to give everything up and try to start fresh but I just never believed it. I know some would ask why am I not considering the coke for some of the things I experienced, and it could very well be, but after thorough research on what MDMA actually affects and my personal experience, I will forever hold MDMA responsible. The serotonin it depletes is responsible for ALOT, more so than the dopamine deficiency would affect me imo. The anxiety was responsible for 90% of what I was feeling, when that went away so did alot of my other bad feelings. I can let things go, I don't dwell.. I can UNDERSTAND, instead of arguing.

And I'm so grateful to have gone through all of this and made it out back to my normal self. I'm lucky, I risked my life many many times, and I don't know how I'm alive to this day with some of the shit I did. Now I just smoke weed. I used to smoke atleast an eighth to a quarter a day and now my boyfriend and I make an eighth last two days. Baby steps, but I'll be back to smoking a half track a week.


Drugs cost me my family, friends and I even dropped out of school cause of the repercussions of the abuse. Since I don't do them, I have the relationship with my boyfriend I did before we started using, I have new good friends, appreciation, and I got a really kick ass job on the top of the food chain

Thanks to those who read.. and I hope my story can give someone else the hope that I never held onto cause no one told me they made it out alright.

 

[hobhead]

yeah molly time does heal . and being over medicated can turn one's world into a living hell .
long story but a quack VA psych doc landed me in the ER from drug / drug reaction .
first time in 40 odd years that i was in an ER because the dolt hadn't looked in the fucking screen in front of him at the PDR drug/drug tables and i was naively trusting of docs and their pill rolling.

stopping heroin CT several times years ago sucked but i knew why i was in the hopper.

 

[bagochina]

Good to hear.

I am FINALLY starting to feel good also. Shot dope for a long time [besides other massive drug use] than I got hooked on pharmy pills. I do suppose it was better than the alternative. I was diagnosed, opiate dependent, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and later adult add. I was ok with those diagnosis because that means I got opiates, benzos, and speed. Truthfully all of those 'disorders' were self created or rather drug induced but I didn't care. I sat on those meds for 8 yrs, minus the adderall which I took for about 3 yrs.

Hardest thing to shake was benzos its been about 1.5 years off klonopin/ativan topped out at 8mg/2mg [I did start taking them for 2 months to help me get off bupe] and fuck I was shattered and completely lost for a long time. The speed I ended up crashing and burning hard on also left me grasping for reality. Opiates well typical opiate mess for as long as I can remember, sad?

It has been 6 months completely off everything and I am starting to finally feel good everyday. A long time in the making and I almost gave up many times and said fuck this shit, I was happy being a opiate addict. Which in some twisted way might be true. Haven't went back though. Hang in there.

peace.
seedless

 

[molly897]

@hob I learned that you really do have to do your own research before going.. I trusted my first doctor with everything about me. Bad mistake. He took my drug experiences as drug seeking even though I was asking him to TEST me for ADHD, because of what I experienced in the past. Discharged me without notice and wrote a bunch of shit in my notes on my last day that I'm sure is colorful.

what did they prescribe you if you don't mind me asking? you know you have a real winner when the doc prescribes amphetamines and benzos together

seedless that's great you're feeling better too. Eight years is a really long time to go through something like this, so I'm really glad you're at a better point. I'm sure you convinced yourself you actually had those disorders at one point even though you wanted the pills. I know for me, more than one doctor assuring me of something was enough for it to cloud my entire logic. Which is why I had to start looking shit up. One doc told me before prescribing Adderall 15 XR that it lasted for 20 hours. It wore off by noon. My first psych told me there's no way I had ADD, cause I have anxiety. And when I said are you aware it's a hyperactivity disorder? He just looked at me. thank you though and you should be really proud of yourself for staying clean 6 months after all of that. that in itself would be motivation for me to keeping turning a new leaf

 

[bagochina]

yeah I pretty much convinced the doc I had those problems and truthfully I convinced myself. The problem was I just was a straight up drug addict that decided to take a turn from street drugs to pharm drugs. I often wonder what my doc was thinking that scripted me my addy, she had me up to 4 30mg IR a day. I wouldnt sleep for days unless I took the sleepers she was giving me also. I KNOW she knew I was a dope fiend because she was treating me for opiate addiction. She eventually started scripting me prescription vitamins and looking back man was I a grade-A wreck.

If you know what to say you can get just about anything around here.

peace.
seedless

 

[eXisTenCe_]

after reading both your stories I'm not sure if to feel worried that it may also happen to me, or lucky bc I'm immune to this kind of problems. Ive been doing xtc/m1/b1/4mmc for almost 1.5 year by now, i'd say once a week on average, sometimes making longer breaks, sometimes being high for 3-4 days in a row. I wont deny any short-term after effects, been there, yes they sucked. But in my case, long-term effects are rather positive. I've become overall more open person, its easier for me to make connections with other people, my self-esteem is way higher than 2 yrs ago. Sure there are many other factors affecting both yours and mine mental state, so it cannot be so simply compared. The reason I'm writing here is not to try to convince you, or anyone who reads it that mdma is 100% safe and harmless - I think its not. But what I mean is that eventually its side-effects go away, for some faster, for others slower. I hope both of you hang on to your positive moods now.

peace

 

[molly897]

yeah I pretty much convinced the doc I had those problems and truthfully I convinced myself. The problem was I just was a straight up drug addict that decided to take a turn from street drugs to pharm drugs. I often wonder what my doc was thinking that scripted me my addy, she had me up to 4 30mg IR a day. I wouldnt sleep for days unless I took the sleepers she was giving me also. I KNOW she knew I was a dope fiend because she was treating me for opiate addiction. She eventually started scripting me prescription vitamins and looking back man was I a grade-A wreck.

If you know what to say you can get just about anything around here.

peace.
seedless

jesus christ. that is the definition of malpractice, and it's sad nothing can really be done when you're the culprit yourself.

after reading both your stories I'm not sure if to feel worried that it may also happen to me, or lucky bc I'm immune to this kind of problems. Ive been doing xtc/m1/b1/4mmc for almost 1.5 year by now, i'd say once a week on average, sometimes making longer breaks, sometimes being high for 3-4 days in a row. I wont deny any short-term after effects, been there, yes they sucked. But in my case, long-term effects are rather positive. I've become overall more open person, its easier for me to make connections with other people, my self-esteem is way higher than 2 yrs ago. Sure there are many other factors affecting both yours and mine mental state, so it cannot be so simply compared. The reason I'm writing here is not to try to convince you, or anyone who reads it that mdma is 100% safe and harmless - I think its not. But what I mean is that eventually its side-effects go away, for some faster, for others slower. I hope both of you hang on to your positive moods now.

peace

Damn.. I remember binging for 3-4 days is always what fucked me up the most. i remember driving down the same exact bend of road and feeling so many different things in those months, totally disconnected from reality. i totally believed MDMA was harmless, 100%. I read no one had OD'd from pure molly, and it was next near to impossible to OD on anyway. Never read of anyone else eating as much as I have because no one is that fucking stupid, not that it 'hasn't been done'. Imo it's probably the safest out of all drugs though, especially when you don't abuse it. I remember the come down being so minimal which made it that much more enticing

good to hear you are not experiencing bad side effects (yet like you said), but I can't help but wonder what a year of continual use like that will have on you in the long run

good luck!!