I wrote a massive blog entry the other day after that long, strange entry I posted when I was feeling bad. I'm almost glad that my browser crashed and I lost it as it somehow doesn't feel relevant anymore.
After my terrible bad spell I spent a day or so in bed crying then on Tuesday I had to go back to work. I only had to work 4 hours and it was ok when I got there, although one of my friends was being shitty with me. I just ignored it, I'm done with dealing with people who take out their negativity on me for no reason.
I was off work on holiday today and I'm off tomorrow. It was pay day today which was great. I went and got my hair cut, got a chunk of hair shaved out again and I feel more like myself. It's like getting hair cut releases old negativity from me... and I also just look better.
Monday was slightly strange. When I got off the bus I passed the car park beside it on my way up the street. My ex was sitting in his car, it looked like he was waiting for someone. Normally when I see him I crumble internally, but this time I was actually ok. It was really strange. I felt a bit sad because when I used to feel the stabbing pain I felt when I saw him... there was still something there... and now there's not really anything. I mean, that was just from seeing him in passing and I didn't make eye contact, it would maybe be different if I saw him for longer. But it's progress nonetheless.
One thing that has been keeping me sane lately is the guy who is designing my latest tattoos. We've forged a strange kind of friendship. I guess we just click, which is good because he'll be drawing on me soon!!!! He showed me the designs he's come up with and they are stunning, to say the least, I can't even begin to describe how right he's got it.
It turns out he plays in a punk band that are pretty famous around Edinburgh... that was a bit of a shock. We've talked loads about going hardcore raving back in the day so to find out he is in a punk band really blew my mind. My ex is a punk and he always used to make me feel really shit about coming from a rave/free party background. He seemed convinced that I was fucking everything that moved at events when I was off my face on drugs. That was never, ever the case. I was the weird, quiet nerd that danced for 12 hours straight and rarely spoke to anyone. I just loved the music and the vibes. I never even met guys at these sort of things, apart from Stuart, and he was my friend for many years. Nothing even happened between us until long after my ex and I had parted and it ended pretty badly. I guess the dude at the tattoo shop made me realise that it *is* ok for me to love all kinds of music and that I don't have to be ashamed of the times I had growing up because I know that they weren't the sexually-charged parties he was imagining. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I was on drugs, I was listening to amazing music, communing with nature, looking after people who were too out of it and generally just being myself.
I'm sitting tonight with a few cans of Strongbow cider listening to some of the music I used to listen to back in the old days and remembering how great it was, and how although I've kind of "slipped" from the scene... it's something that I can go back to and I've reconnected with so many old friends lately who I thought I'd lost after what happened with my ex, then what happened with Stuart.
What happened with Stuart was pretty awful. We were best friends for about ten years and I'd always loved him but it was always a friends thing. When I met my ex I let the friendship slide and Stuart disappeared to Spain for a couple of years without telling me. After my ex and I broke up he randomly turned up again and we started spending a lot of time together and did a lot of drugs together. Eventually in 2010 things started to take a funny turn and we were starting to spend our Saturday nights together, I could see things changing between us. Things like the way we had our arms around each other, how I'd stay over after we'd been partying (he would DJ and I would choose the tunes, one night we got a black light and uv paint and went a bit tribal), he started giving me his PJs after I'd showered and I'd sleep in his bed. Nothing ever happened. Then one night it almost did, but my phone rang and it killed the moment. Then the next week we kissed. For three hours. It was all a bit crazy. The next night we were DJing with another friend at a mutual friend's wedding and had a good long chat and he said that he believed that we were truly soulmates but that he was worried we'd left it too long. After that we started drifting a bit... then next thing I knew he'd moved up to Edinburgh. I went up and met him after a two day drugs binge (then he and I got fucked up after it) and had a great time just as friends but he made me sleep on the sofa... that's when I knew things had changed... then next thing I know I go on his facebook and he's listed as "in a relationship" with someone else. I got really angry with him because I felt like he'd lead me on and he didn't even have the guts to tell me which would have been better than finding out on Facebook... and we've not talked since. It will be two years in April. We've recently become friends on Facebook again but, although my feelings for him have gone, I still can't bring myself to speak to him.
I guess I'm starting to realise that I can't change anything that's happened in the past and that if I want to be happy that I'm going to have to start living in the present instead of dwelling on things that hurt me and getting angry about them. I feel that it's ok for me to feel badly about stuff but instead of letting it destroy me I have to learn from it otherwise I'm not going to keep evolving. If I'm unsure of myself then I come across as vulnerable to other people and unfortunately some people prey on what they see as weakness. I can't let that happen anymore because it's destroying me. I need to stand up and be counted.
I can't promise myself that my future is going to be any better than my present so I need to work on making the here and now a good place to be instead of constantly looking to the future as some shiny positive place. It will only be that place if I make the present positive and then I can look back with no pain and no regrets. I'm sick of feeling regret and sadness and I'm sick of having horrible depressive episodes because all my baggage starts weighing me down. I deserve better than that.
After my terrible bad spell I spent a day or so in bed crying then on Tuesday I had to go back to work. I only had to work 4 hours and it was ok when I got there, although one of my friends was being shitty with me. I just ignored it, I'm done with dealing with people who take out their negativity on me for no reason.
I was off work on holiday today and I'm off tomorrow. It was pay day today which was great. I went and got my hair cut, got a chunk of hair shaved out again and I feel more like myself. It's like getting hair cut releases old negativity from me... and I also just look better.
Monday was slightly strange. When I got off the bus I passed the car park beside it on my way up the street. My ex was sitting in his car, it looked like he was waiting for someone. Normally when I see him I crumble internally, but this time I was actually ok. It was really strange. I felt a bit sad because when I used to feel the stabbing pain I felt when I saw him... there was still something there... and now there's not really anything. I mean, that was just from seeing him in passing and I didn't make eye contact, it would maybe be different if I saw him for longer. But it's progress nonetheless.
One thing that has been keeping me sane lately is the guy who is designing my latest tattoos. We've forged a strange kind of friendship. I guess we just click, which is good because he'll be drawing on me soon!!!! He showed me the designs he's come up with and they are stunning, to say the least, I can't even begin to describe how right he's got it.
It turns out he plays in a punk band that are pretty famous around Edinburgh... that was a bit of a shock. We've talked loads about going hardcore raving back in the day so to find out he is in a punk band really blew my mind. My ex is a punk and he always used to make me feel really shit about coming from a rave/free party background. He seemed convinced that I was fucking everything that moved at events when I was off my face on drugs. That was never, ever the case. I was the weird, quiet nerd that danced for 12 hours straight and rarely spoke to anyone. I just loved the music and the vibes. I never even met guys at these sort of things, apart from Stuart, and he was my friend for many years. Nothing even happened between us until long after my ex and I had parted and it ended pretty badly. I guess the dude at the tattoo shop made me realise that it *is* ok for me to love all kinds of music and that I don't have to be ashamed of the times I had growing up because I know that they weren't the sexually-charged parties he was imagining. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I was on drugs, I was listening to amazing music, communing with nature, looking after people who were too out of it and generally just being myself.
I'm sitting tonight with a few cans of Strongbow cider listening to some of the music I used to listen to back in the old days and remembering how great it was, and how although I've kind of "slipped" from the scene... it's something that I can go back to and I've reconnected with so many old friends lately who I thought I'd lost after what happened with my ex, then what happened with Stuart.
What happened with Stuart was pretty awful. We were best friends for about ten years and I'd always loved him but it was always a friends thing. When I met my ex I let the friendship slide and Stuart disappeared to Spain for a couple of years without telling me. After my ex and I broke up he randomly turned up again and we started spending a lot of time together and did a lot of drugs together. Eventually in 2010 things started to take a funny turn and we were starting to spend our Saturday nights together, I could see things changing between us. Things like the way we had our arms around each other, how I'd stay over after we'd been partying (he would DJ and I would choose the tunes, one night we got a black light and uv paint and went a bit tribal), he started giving me his PJs after I'd showered and I'd sleep in his bed. Nothing ever happened. Then one night it almost did, but my phone rang and it killed the moment. Then the next week we kissed. For three hours. It was all a bit crazy. The next night we were DJing with another friend at a mutual friend's wedding and had a good long chat and he said that he believed that we were truly soulmates but that he was worried we'd left it too long. After that we started drifting a bit... then next thing I knew he'd moved up to Edinburgh. I went up and met him after a two day drugs binge (then he and I got fucked up after it) and had a great time just as friends but he made me sleep on the sofa... that's when I knew things had changed... then next thing I know I go on his facebook and he's listed as "in a relationship" with someone else. I got really angry with him because I felt like he'd lead me on and he didn't even have the guts to tell me which would have been better than finding out on Facebook... and we've not talked since. It will be two years in April. We've recently become friends on Facebook again but, although my feelings for him have gone, I still can't bring myself to speak to him.
I guess I'm starting to realise that I can't change anything that's happened in the past and that if I want to be happy that I'm going to have to start living in the present instead of dwelling on things that hurt me and getting angry about them. I feel that it's ok for me to feel badly about stuff but instead of letting it destroy me I have to learn from it otherwise I'm not going to keep evolving. If I'm unsure of myself then I come across as vulnerable to other people and unfortunately some people prey on what they see as weakness. I can't let that happen anymore because it's destroying me. I need to stand up and be counted.
I can't promise myself that my future is going to be any better than my present so I need to work on making the here and now a good place to be instead of constantly looking to the future as some shiny positive place. It will only be that place if I make the present positive and then I can look back with no pain and no regrets. I'm sick of feeling regret and sadness and I'm sick of having horrible depressive episodes because all my baggage starts weighing me down. I deserve better than that.