Forced CT of 20mg Flubromazolam, 10mg Clonazolam, 10mg Etizolam Daily

[swilow]

I ended up taking my librium as planned this morning, with gabapentin, 1600mg. However I also picked up 2 pints of vodka and chugged them within 15 minutes and feel no buzz, just a lot of anger at myself that I put myself back by doing a gabaergic drug. I can't deal with this anymore, I don't know why I continue to try to get a buzz from gabaergics when 15 years of freedom is on the line, I know it won't be in my breath when they breathylyze me tomorrow, but the personal sadness from lack of self control is taking over.

I know I'm an addict, I have hep c and cirrhosis but continue to do these things to myself. Does anyone know how far back 20 shots would take me? I went the last 2 days no sleep, and rationalized that to buy the booze, but gaba drugs stopped sedating me quite a bit ago, they just make me content.

I wish I could do activities. When I wake up in the morning I'm full of pep, but within an hour I remember my license is gone (don't like driving without it unless to get booze obviously), I'm facing felonies, I have no job, no money, my lady left me, and I had to move back in with my parents because of seizures,

I've tried aa, and na both, but as a gnostic christian, I am my own god, and cannot work their steps, and refuse to change my spirituality for na. I just don't know what to do, I'm hopeless.

Hey brother. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. Its a difficult path, that to recovery. Can I reassure you, though, that you can get there- heaps of people have before you; its not an abstract and unachievable goal- it can be done...? It just takes firmness and a bit of courage. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for making a mistake; heaps of people have done that too. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. You can't change the fact that you've had a drink; its done. Its the past now (the recent past, yes, but still the past). You can only do what you can in the present, in hope that the future will be brighter. Don't punish yourself- I am sure that all of us addicts have slipped up many times- during my addiction there was times when I would "quit" opiates several times a day But I am actually clean now, which is good. And I was an opiate and benzo addict, like you....

What's public transport like where you live? And I assume that you have legs? Go for a walk, look at the world, find something of value in something little and insignificant. Don't waste any more time on self-doubt. Give yourself reasonable goals- make them day-by-day- and you'll be surprised at how things will improve. Make a goal for your use today and achieve it, and doing so tomorrow will be slightly easier.

Peace

 

[Stotched]

I am still alive, the taper is about halfway through. I've noticed I started wetting the bed in small amounts, as well as having wet dreams almost every night. When I wet the bed, I usually find myself waking up right as it starts, then bring able to stop it. Its embarrassing, but did any of you have this issue?

 

[Stotched]

If anyone is reading this thread or cares on my condition, I am OK, I got switched to diazepam, I don't find it works as well as librium, I was on 25mg librium 4x a day, now on 10mg Diaz 4 times a day. I ran out of my script yesterday, and called my doc and said valium isn't working can you call in librium, I'm out already and in hell. Well apparently benzo scripts need to be written by hand. I'm only making it through with stupid high doses of gabapentin, and kava every few hours.

I can say with confidence at least this is the worst year of my 3 decades. A parent passing, jail in 2 states, kicked suboxone cold Turkey, got laid off and lost my house, my lady left me, and now all this benzo shit. If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is. I had never been in trouble with the law before benzos, and there were multiple times I woke up and once sober they let me go, I could be facing assault on officer charges numerous times if I didn't live in a drug ridden community where they're used to it. Actually every time I'm on benzos or in the ambulance for grand mals from benzos the first thing they ask is if I'm on synthetic noids lol.

Anyway, I find myself getting into old hobbies like song writing and guitar, I just find myself burned out after just one task for 15 minutes. I guess I'm just a bitch, I ran out of Valium early, he even warned me about possible rebound effects but of course super junkie me can't be sick for even a minute if there's a pill there when now I'm gonna have to go til 9/5 cold turkey.

 

[phactor]

Why is treatment not an option for you? Sounds like you just need to get a break from everything. You seem totally out of control. I've been there.

 

[Stotched]

Treatment is not an option as I live in the boonies. And in my state there are only 3 centers willing to detox long term benzo users, (Pennsylvania and Philly addicts know at least two I'm sure, they're huge compared to any other facility in the state, I've been to two already). As terms of my bond I cannot leave my city limits and have to check in with bail admin twice a week. I could AWOL, but that's going to lead to a lot of trouble down the line.

You're right I'm out of control. If I didn't have these legal issues I'd gladly sign myself in right away. Hospitals will not deal with me. They take my BP then make me leave. Usually an officer shows up when I refuse. I lay around all day every day cause I feel like my body is rotting from the inside out. They do not believe in synthetic benzos. I've even brought in etizolam blisters straight unopened to try and show them there are benzos that don't show in piss but all they cared about was if they were illegal. If not, no help.

I've thought about just going back to full junkie me. And feel normal til I get caught and ride this out in jail.,I'm too sick to work, and I just lie around all day. I'd rather do,90 in jail then 2 years of probation and not being able to leave philly. Ugh,