For Your Sake

[Toltecsuperhero]

"I don't know if you know anything about anxiety..."
Yeah, I fuckin' know.

I work at a job that I despise... with you, you ignorant fuck.
I live with my dad in some shit-Florida town with less life than Trotsky and I have given up drinking. Yeah, I fuckin' know about anxiety.

I was diagnosed manic depressive at age 13. I lived with my neurotic, paranoid mother at the time. I used to beg whatever god was listening to come down and sweep me up into that quiet final embrace. Yeah, I know.

I have never had a relationship that lasted more than six months because within that timeframe, either I grow to distrust the girl or she figures me out and kicks my uncaring ass to the curb. Yeah, I know a little about that.

I haven't lived in one place for more than two years at a time because I take and take and take and take from my friends until they have nothing left to give.
I especially take from them and then proceed to waste whatever they could spare for innocent little me... just because self-improvement still feels like masturbation, just like Tyler said. I may have a bit of knowledge about that general area.


Sometimes, I feel like my heart is breaking for no damn reason... like my soul is trying to escape the cesspool of ignominy and cowardice that is my life.
Sometimes, my skin feels like it's crawling under the gaze of any unfortunate idiot who might be glancing my way... like their attention is burrowing into that dark, dark place where the pain hides.
Sometimes, I feel like giving up because I'm not sure if there's anything in this world that really means something... maybe everything really is the same and it's all equal...



Sigh... "Yeah, I know a little about anxiety... you should try going into the walk-in and screaming until you're hoarse... that works for me sometimes... unless I start to feel my grip on the moment slipping, then it only makes me fall apart faster..."

Yeah I know about anxiety... I'm really sorry that you do too, kid...
I hope you find a better way than mine...

For your sake.

 

[(Wordy)]

I can definitely relate to the anxiety thing. Meditation has really helped me deal with it, along with cutting out alcohol and other drugs. Seeing a psychologist occasionally to put things in perspective has helped a lot too. Tackling anxiety has been a journey of self-discovery for me. If I look back, the beginning of that journey was quitting the job that I hated.

And on the quitting drinking thing, I found at first it was hard to socialise sober when you're used to socialising with the assistance of alcohol (or whatever else) - but you do get used to it. And you find you remember events a lot better too!

I hope you pull through, Toltec.

 

[Toltecsuperhero]

This was all brought on by some kid at my work having an anxiety attack on the slowest night since I started working there. I got mad at him at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I could relate.
I guess I just had to let my mind spill out onto the page the really understand what the incident meant to me.
Thanks for the encouragement, though. It's good to know that there is life after sobriety. Heh.

 

[(Wordy)]

Yeah, I probably presumed too much, but the encouragement still stands!

If you don't mind me asking, what sort of work do you do?

 

[Toltecsuperhero]

Food service, of course... the most thankless and sniping industry on the planet, except maybe politics... maybe. I work, currently, at Applebee's. It's not so bad, but the servers think they own the joint, as usual. It's been growing on me, though.