• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

For those that care

Ixchellian

Ixchellian

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 1, 2010
Messages
1,184
Location
Sheen's Torpedo Room
Junk free... better than free junk.

I apologize if I forget the names of those who actually give a damn, because they're far outnumbered by those who don't give a spit. At least that means I don't have to do many thank you cards.

I've been clean since last August. Only "break" was when I had to take 3 vikes after thanksgiving when I thought I broke my clavicle. The hospital gave me a bottle of 30 after my xrays came back, but after the second nite I didnt need anymore and threw the rest away.

since I was last dopesick, kicked with Lyrica, and then started walking every day, I've had absolutely no desire for opiates of any kind. it actually makes me physically ill to even think about being nodded again.

the only substance I use for medication now is good ol Delta-9 THC. I can't normally stomach tylenol or motrin for my back unless I bake a little hash cake. and that's only until I figure out what's up with my stomach problems.

So for those who didn't come to completely despise me here, I'm still alive. not that I really feel like talking to anyone yet, but if I could kick successfully, maybe there's something in it there for someone else.
 
Last edited:
hi Ixchellian,

congrats on staying clean! has your life improved since you quit?
im impressed you were able to throw away the vikes! i dont think i'd be able to do that to be honest haha
 
Hey Ix!! Awesome to hear from you man. And it's so great to hear that you've been clean all this time, congrats man, I'm really proud of you. Keep up the good work <3

So does this mean we'll be seeing more of you back around these parts again?
 
nope, my life hasn't improved.... aside from the fact that now I can't hide from it. I've become far less social than I was before (not that ever I was much to begin with), and I simply can't connect with people except on the most superficial basis.
I'm still alone, in pain, poor, with no real home, no job or desire to start a new career, and I no longer own anything that I can't carry with me, or can't walk away from if I have to.

throwing away those vicodin and a couple tramadol wasn't hard at all. It's like doing too many CCC Coricidins and getting sick from them.... even the thought of being junksick again is enough to make my skin crawl. I drank a bunch of beer for the holidays, but I don't even touch that normally.

I haven't lived anyplace solid, for more than a month at a time, simply because I can't stay in one spot..... and it doesn't take long before I can't stand the petty arguments and drama that consumes others' lives.
When you've seen and done what I have, normal life is gratingly dull, boring..... and ultimately insignificant.

so in any case.... I don't think I'll be here too much... not unless I'm queried or the like about something directly related to my Lyrica & Fresh Air kick. I've learned my lesson about getting close to people, and letting them get close to me.
 
Well mate, sobriety can be a long road and you're well and truly on it now, so there's no turning back :) You're definitely doing the right thing though so try to remember that when you're finding things challenging. I'd love to see you posting more often in here, however I totally understand if Bluelight is triggering or non-constructive for you.
Either way, thank you for updating us, and take care <3
 
Thanks, n3o.... y'all are the only reason I'm even back here. I don't forget.

this place isn't exactly triggering, beyond the aggravation I get thinking about how much life I wasted on junk..... and arguing with idiots/hypocrites.
nor is it unproductive. its just.... I can only handle small amounts of others' pain & strife before it starts dragging me down too.

Oh, and I'm not sober by any stretch of the imagination.... I just don't touch junk, booze, ups, downers, or anything like ecstasy. but I was a psychonaut far before becoming a junky, and my life is just fine with the old standbys LSD, mescaline, and THC. These are not forces wiring me up like a marionette, unlike junk.... but tools for the preservation of my sanity and balance.
Acid especially helps keep my experiencing-self and observing-self; my ego and id; quite separate, while not on an excursion. This in turn keeps me from becoming so wrapped up in the brutal experience of life itself, that I lose directionality for myself.

oh, just for any who are unfamiliar with the concept..... ego deconstruction/destruction with psychedelics and doing an EVA in your psyche is not something to play at. For those unprepared, trying to tinker with the mind using such powerful tools can be, and often is, completely terrifying.

The kinds of things I do with potent psychedelics are things I've been familiar with doing for over 15yrs..... and using what I know, along with a bit of just good old nature, I've stayed off junk and alive.

That is far better than the alternative, which is simply unacceptable.
 
Last edited:
no, maybe my post was....

i only did post in it because i do care, and so do you too.


you have my respect as an individual, one who fought for my family&I, as an artist, a lover of nature and a free-thinker.
these things i think of, when i have and do think about you.
 
given. and respect earned is respect I try to return. The few who remember me got that bit straight. Which is why I came back. I can deal with constructive disagreement, but personal disrespect I can't abide... and that comes in a lot of forms.

I'm just going to be a lot more picky on who I choose to help and respond to, beyond the core few here that I know are at least shooting straight with me. That, and with the opiates gone, I'm a lot more.... objective, rather than subjective.
 
I hear you, esp on opiates frankly, I never crossed paths with you in anyway but after habitual opiate use your mind is so much clearer isn't it? I feel more edgy now than I used to, I suppose it's to be expected.
 
Oh, far more edgy. Accounts, I suppose, partially for my inability to stay put.
The others being a military brat upbringing, and spending more than a few years in the military myself.... and all the typical domestic problems attendant.

I'm still dealing with some resulting physical health issues; like a persistently torn up gut, crippling nausea, old back/knee injuries, and the beginnings of RA. I just got confirmation on that a few months ago..... by the time I'm 40, ill have full blown rheumatoid arthritis, and I'm 32 now. Fun fun lol.

As of right now, I average about 7-8mi daily on foot, usually carrying my pack with about 10-15lbs of gear. I could drive or catch rides, but there isn't anywhere I need to go here outside of easy walking distance. I've been doing this since I left TDS before Halloween.
The walking keeps my mind clear, and my joints limber. If i take a break for more than a day or two, my knees/back will lock up tight.... and I start getting very anxious.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top