For Love of the sweet majestic Opiate; and my ending battle.....or is it

[DeftonesFENT]

Hello well ill try and make this as painless as possible i just gotta share my experience with someone other than myself. So it all began about thirteen about thirteen years ago...My picture perfect family decided to have a divorce cursing me pretty bad.(little did i know of what was to come)So through the influence of my new step brother and cousin(cousin grew up with me like a brother) i smoked some weed...I liked it it let me forget the anger and fighting in my household.So i won't bore you but things progressively got worse at home so i started running with 17 and 18 year olds.(me still only 13) Pa tying drinking smoking , etc... But at the age of 14 i had to have oral surgery to remove my wisdom teeth. I thought im tough on pain and stuff i skateboard. Well i had no real understanding of what kind of strength i was gona need. I was prescribed 30 x 5/500 hydrocodones. i think with one refill. I can remember it clearly i got home grabbed a pepsi and took 3 of them. When out sat on the pour ch and had found my DOC i was in love. All my worry stress depression and inhibitions all gone. I was flouting on clouds..So this is were my love of opiates in any kind started. A few years pass id get a few lortabs here and there maybe a ll opium hit. but never that much. So we come too 16 years old i had begun building houses and working at a pizza joint(and if u have worked pizza threes always drugs around) so i got this hook up kid gave me hundreds of oxy 5mg 10mg 20mg and 5mg IRs HUNDREDS and wouldn't accept money from me. So needless 2 say i sold 20% and got hooked on em all the way thru sophomore year of high school. being a young kid i didn't think about withdrawal but when the drugs ran out i just drank to feel better and ended up almost having a deadly car wreck. Head into windshield off a 6 foot wall. "apparently i had a passenger who pbailed after that" so lesson learned right? well i left home for a year.........drank alot.....smoked alot. but no opies.......(not by choice) so i come back home and start a bigger time carrier in construction. I have some injuries to my nerves and neck from one of the 3 car accidents and 1 rollover. The doctors being me so young will not do any surgery and will not give me opies cause of addiction. Good call probably. SO i began self medication for ache joints and pinching nerve. 1-3 lortab 10mgs a day. i did this for about a year sometimes pushed another 3 down on Fridays. well come the second year of what is now an addiction i cant get enough out of the hydro so i go to oxy. then things get slim so i get a script off a junky for suboxone to get me through(this is what ruined my tolerance) so after a month or so of useing as little of the bup as possible i went back into oxy irs heavy.it took my now 80mgs to feel anything 20mgs would barely keep the kicks away.so this goes on for a while getting oxy or whatever just too keep me through. The were days of use of 300_400mgs easy(meanwhile i am Still holding a good high paying job at this point)But now i am 25 years old make great money but spent 80% on my fix.......so i started using pods and seeds to get me thru, *snip* NO DRUG GLORIFICATION - Please read the guidelines. But we come to the last 3 months... i had decided i am done, had a falling out with my hook up and lost my job.I decide i have 12mgs dilaudid 2ativan and about and ounce of kratom..... I get tapered to kratom for 3 days then flushed the kratom cause it was just a band aid...This is were i finally faced the demon i was building over these 3-4 years. Night sweats, freezing, chills, legs kicking, arms kicking. FUCKING MISERABLE. i had 3 xanax .25mg they helped for like 4 hours one night......I broke down and came clean with my father(completely understanding man, even got me a bag of weed for the pain)so after staying with him for 5 days i was feeling fine. Little grougy, still yawning overly. but for the most part felt fine. Then 8 days clean i had to leave home for a job....well were i ended up had basically an endless free supply of dillies and a fentynal patch here and there. So at first i was thinking like an addict does ill take a few feel good then thatll be it. WEeeeelllllll A week later i was snorting 12mg dili and it wasn't cutting it(tolerance already back) I squeezed some of the gel outta the fent put it under the tounge. eEHh seemed to make me hotter, *snip* NO DRUG GLORIFICATION - Please read the guidelines. This is bad news for me the drug addict but free drugs??? I almost couldn't talk my addict brain out of it....Well the well ran dry a week ago so i got 20 lortab 10s and 3 oz of kratom and tapered using mostly the kratom. So i;m sitting here slightly w/ding (with a head cold stuffy nose sore throat)Last dose 12hrs ago 2.5mgs kratom. i got 8 ativans, aquarter oz, and no places to be for 4 days. i think ill be fine the kratom barley covered the withdrawals then when i could feel the kratom again i dropped my dose low and now dont feel i need it. Sorry about the long rant but this is it im gettin my life together day1 of the rest of my life.......Will i never use opiates again? No i will i love the old girl toooo much, Sweet Miss Opium and here derivitivs and why should it be illegal for me to grow my own personal plants and consume as i please *snip* Save it for the vent/rant thread. thanks for listening and wish me luck

 

[caseface99]

I'll be honest, I'm way too exhausted and didn't read the entire thing, however I red the last quarter of it or so. Seem's like you are definitely (at the very least) an opiate addict, if not an addict in general. Also, I'm not so sure Sober Living is the forum for you if you're planning on actually doing what you talked about at the very end. (and to be honest, you're description of using and your plans made me crave...)

Honestly, If you really want to get your life together, for real, you need to accept the fact that you can't do opiates again... Ever. Once being addicted to them, there is no way you will ever be able to use without becoming addicted again, or at the very least having intense cravings and a miserable time not using regularly. Its not about willpower-at all, It's about brain chemistry. And once becoming addicted to a substance - i.e. opiates, you now have pathways in your brain that lead to craving opiates which will NEVER go away. They will always be with you, and the more you use the stronger and more numerous they will get. If you stop using, they will become less active, and one day eventually stop firing randomly, however one relapse and they all turn back on because as I've said, their still there. Neural pathways never go away.

Anyway, Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope you realize that despite how much you used to love opiates, it isn't worth it.

 

[Vaya]

I'm closing this. I forced myself to read your entire message.

In the future, use paragraphs and punctuation.

Don't rave about how great drugs X and Y make you feel - this is a no-triggering zone.

We're not here to discuss the ethics behind the illegality of the Opium Poppy, natural or otherwise.

Read our Forum Guidelines before posting, please.
Closed.
~ Vaya