CARESS
Bluelighter
I rose before the sun today.
Good Morning, Daddy.
Your touch awoke me from sound sleep,
But not as a gentle loving tap on the shoulder,
Experienced by other children.
My eyes flew open, watching and wondering.
Good Morning, Daddy.
You are not in the room, today.
But your presence is forever known to me.
Stalking, no...wandering the rooms of my mind.
I do not rise from bed right away.
Good Morning, Daddy.
For in my prison of terror,
to which only you hold the key,
I reside.
So I await the keeper of the cells in my mind to appear and give forth a reprieve.
To free me and allow another day.
Don't try to smooth my tears.
Good Morning, Daddy.
For I am an open wound, curled fetal.
Rocking and whimpering to lull my pain.
Where are you? For I feel you all around me.
But I must rise and join life today.
Good Morning, Daddy.
Obligations and pleasures await me.
The offspring of your offspring call for morning sustenance.
And a trip to the ocean blue.
I remember our sea adventures.
Good Morning, Daddy.
The summers by the sea and travels on hot Mexican streets.
My small hand in yours, eyes wide with wonder and curiosity.
I still remember the days before...before you tried to murder my very soul.
Yes, I still remember the days before,
I hated you, dear Daddy.
The days of fish capture and sun.
The Christmas times of joy and love.
I still remember hugging you close and smiling. Feeling no fear at our closeness.
It wasn't always horrific.
I miss you, Daddy.
I long for the days before the invasion.
I yearn to touch the face of my father,
Before his transformation and journey into purest evil.
How can I explain to your grandchildren?
That you are not welcome here, Daddy.
For trust is a lost gift I'm hardpressed to return.
And soon my beautiful princess will be of age...
And you, her tutor will NOT be.
For violation of my offspring will bring forth my murderous wrath.
I'll blow out your dim candle, dear Daddy.
So you must reside with the ghosts of my past.
Therefore, saving all that is holy and precious to me.
You bestowed gifts upon me.
Thank you, Daddy.
Wonderful summer memories and most importantly,
Loss of innocence which causes me to guard my children well.
For if you had not scarred me so,
Would I have lived in naive oblivion to the world's perversions?
And therefore becoming careless with my most treasured gifts.
I wonder where you are and if you are well.
I still love you, Daddy.
I tell others of you, sharing our little secret.
The one you begged for me to bury at all costs.
But as much as I love you, I cannot an obediant child be.
Our love is not commonplace in today's world.
I still love and hate you, Daddy.
For you were two distinctly different people to me.
You were the man who made me smile and took me wondrous places.
You were later, the man who purchased my unlimited ticket into the very depths of hell.
Oh God above, the God who could not save my youthful innocence!
Watch and keep safe my Daddy.
Forgive him his ultimate trespasses, as I cannot.
Take now my love for him and bash it against a stone!
But no, do not take it, for only in loving him can I find some humanity in myself.
Instead, paste my visage to his eyelids.
Good Morning, Daddy.
So as to see me every day and night.
Always remembering the face of a child betrayed, but still loving him for the man he once was, and the man I long for him to yet be.
I love you, Daddy. I miss you, Daddy. I fear you still, Daddy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I swore to never write of this portion of my life again. But I find in writing, I heal myself. Forgive me my selfishness, friends. For I mean to cause you no pain or pity.
In The Fractured Soul, I quoted published estimates of females violated. I had no statistics on the males. I apologize for this omission, for I am now painfully aware that these sins are committed against boys and men, also.
As always, you have my respect and deep gratitude for taking time today to read and assist my ongoing mending process....
Smile for me, today. For I have arisen and will spend the day with the 4 people I love most in the world. Perhaps, one day, I will add a 5th...myself.
Love,
Caress
[This message has been edited by CARESS (edited 12 August 2000).]
Good Morning, Daddy.
Your touch awoke me from sound sleep,
But not as a gentle loving tap on the shoulder,
Experienced by other children.
My eyes flew open, watching and wondering.
Good Morning, Daddy.
You are not in the room, today.
But your presence is forever known to me.
Stalking, no...wandering the rooms of my mind.
I do not rise from bed right away.
Good Morning, Daddy.
For in my prison of terror,
to which only you hold the key,
I reside.
So I await the keeper of the cells in my mind to appear and give forth a reprieve.
To free me and allow another day.
Don't try to smooth my tears.
Good Morning, Daddy.
For I am an open wound, curled fetal.
Rocking and whimpering to lull my pain.
Where are you? For I feel you all around me.
But I must rise and join life today.
Good Morning, Daddy.
Obligations and pleasures await me.
The offspring of your offspring call for morning sustenance.
And a trip to the ocean blue.
I remember our sea adventures.
Good Morning, Daddy.
The summers by the sea and travels on hot Mexican streets.
My small hand in yours, eyes wide with wonder and curiosity.
I still remember the days before...before you tried to murder my very soul.
Yes, I still remember the days before,
I hated you, dear Daddy.
The days of fish capture and sun.
The Christmas times of joy and love.
I still remember hugging you close and smiling. Feeling no fear at our closeness.
It wasn't always horrific.
I miss you, Daddy.
I long for the days before the invasion.
I yearn to touch the face of my father,
Before his transformation and journey into purest evil.
How can I explain to your grandchildren?
That you are not welcome here, Daddy.
For trust is a lost gift I'm hardpressed to return.
And soon my beautiful princess will be of age...
And you, her tutor will NOT be.
For violation of my offspring will bring forth my murderous wrath.
I'll blow out your dim candle, dear Daddy.
So you must reside with the ghosts of my past.
Therefore, saving all that is holy and precious to me.
You bestowed gifts upon me.
Thank you, Daddy.
Wonderful summer memories and most importantly,
Loss of innocence which causes me to guard my children well.
For if you had not scarred me so,
Would I have lived in naive oblivion to the world's perversions?
And therefore becoming careless with my most treasured gifts.
I wonder where you are and if you are well.
I still love you, Daddy.
I tell others of you, sharing our little secret.
The one you begged for me to bury at all costs.
But as much as I love you, I cannot an obediant child be.
Our love is not commonplace in today's world.
I still love and hate you, Daddy.
For you were two distinctly different people to me.
You were the man who made me smile and took me wondrous places.
You were later, the man who purchased my unlimited ticket into the very depths of hell.
Oh God above, the God who could not save my youthful innocence!
Watch and keep safe my Daddy.
Forgive him his ultimate trespasses, as I cannot.
Take now my love for him and bash it against a stone!
But no, do not take it, for only in loving him can I find some humanity in myself.
Instead, paste my visage to his eyelids.
Good Morning, Daddy.
So as to see me every day and night.
Always remembering the face of a child betrayed, but still loving him for the man he once was, and the man I long for him to yet be.
I love you, Daddy. I miss you, Daddy. I fear you still, Daddy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I swore to never write of this portion of my life again. But I find in writing, I heal myself. Forgive me my selfishness, friends. For I mean to cause you no pain or pity.
In The Fractured Soul, I quoted published estimates of females violated. I had no statistics on the males. I apologize for this omission, for I am now painfully aware that these sins are committed against boys and men, also.
As always, you have my respect and deep gratitude for taking time today to read and assist my ongoing mending process....
Smile for me, today. For I have arisen and will spend the day with the 4 people I love most in the world. Perhaps, one day, I will add a 5th...myself.
Love,
Caress
[This message has been edited by CARESS (edited 12 August 2000).]
