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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Following the Tri-score brick road.

Hey now. You messed up a bit, but it was only a bit. The deep end, as it were, has not been gone off of. Just dipped your toe back in the shallows. No need to beat yourself up so much for that.

One of the biggest lessons that I learned in therapy, and one that I've had some of the most trouble integrating into my life, is the concept of 'good enough'. When it comes to myself, I've always had the thought (usually unconscious) that everything had to be perfect on the first try, or it wasn't worth bothering. That's just not how things work. You may take nearly as many steps back as you do forward, but as long as your overall trend is forward you're doing great. Now, that's not an excuse to go apeshit, but rather to forgive yourself when these slip ups happen.

You've got all these external things beating down on you right now, the last thing that you need to be doing is adding to the trouble, right? :)
 
Dave you make a good point, ive little time on here this morn. ive had 6mg xanax and wine soaked in blue lotus flower so far, gotta go out there today, im feelin kinda wierd i dunno how this morning is gonna turn out, will get back here after and update, been having some strange ass dreams also, sorry i cant get into more detail, but bluelights my homepage now, il go deal with the bullshit n come bak ta post some more.

Would also like to thank all bluelighters that have taken the time to view this thread, evn if uv not posted:\

Lets see where the day takes me (hopefully it aint leadng me into a pile of shit:|

PM UPDATE: I'm 6mg up halfa bottle of wine had tramz polished off last of weed ( i hope) I'm feelin pretty lost i posted in a quote thread before, sorta made me come to a realisation that i know deep down in my heart that my realtionship with psycoactives is akin to a everlasting marrage, I'l be 60 and still spliffin and havin a trip on my birthday.
Clean 4 a while off this or that but atm thats how im feelin. I'm a mess i hate alchohol, i hate ciggys and a hate the fact im slave to pharm companys the only thing holding me together is my child and girlfriend, My future is uncertain and i know this now, Am either going to go lay down and try medittative teqniques, or stay here and post for a bit, mabe later its taken alot to get this out an now im in tears and feeling really down. My girlfriend is gonna come ova with a comedy movie she just txt heres hopin it will lift me a bit but im doubtfull.
 
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Goddamn last nite was a shocker... really listliss sleep but i was not drinking the mulungu tea so im thinkin that may be a majour contributor to gettin me well, and the fibre content!! OMG...
I've woken better than most days today i got 4mg of xanax in me and half a bowl, couple of trams, not looking to drink today ans i kinda said last nite its back to square one. I should have money today so im going to have to go "out there" to the most hated of places.. The supermarket id shop online but the girlfriend thinks its a ripoff and i need to get out.

Hopeing to make weed stretch and dramaticly cut down, and every penny i have is going in a locked box till ive got my car money.
Thats the plan anways, things seem to get haywire for me but after quite an emotional day yesterday today i feel more level even though i had bad sleep, but i did get up outtta bed and go straight to the medicine cabintet today.

All the bullshit and worries are stil there especialy about money but im tryin to push tha shit to the back of my head and just try and have a normal day.. that would be nice ya know?
 
Goddamn I'm glad Bluelight is back online.... have had several things happen over the course of the last week thats really made me have a look @ myself,
Without going into too much detail i havnt touched a drop of alchohol since the night the site went down 4 the upgrades, been pretty much forced to keep my xanax to 5-6mg a day as i timed it so it would be that way and i have no choice, anti depressants seem to be elevating my mood somewhat...
Still smokin but its just run out and ive no intentions of spending any saved money for a car on it, although i know il get more anxious and want it, will jump that hurdle when we come to it...
Back with old therapist whom is a seasoned recovered drug and alchohol addict, we have much in common and our first session after about 4 odd yrs of not seein him, Tells me that ive come leaps and bounds (although @ times it doesnt feel like it). SO the plan is atm is to stay on the meds, cut out all the alternitave herbals (an occasional smoke is deemed acceptible) and walk @ least 2 km by myself every day and focusing on me and my wellbeing.
Shit still seems hectic although ive done alot over the last week, and i have to watch that my capicity doesnt overshadow my capibilitys as i feel that im runnung @ max atm, was warned not to overdo myself and if i got any shit from anyone i have a medical certificate that states that im not fit to undertake alot of activities if any @ all and say well @ least im trying, And that there were contacts that could help me with various areas of concern.
well its time for me to get offline (am also trying not to watch the news and have put my activisim stuff on hold so no facebook). Thank god b/l is back up there were a million times i really wanted or thought i NEEDED to post, but like lots of other things, I had ot learn to cope without. Much greatfull for its return.
 
Hey-- running at max capacity isn't such a bad thing. That's how we increase said capacity. Toe the edge, without going over, and in time the edge moves further away.

Glad to hear that things are going well, if not easily. I've said it a few times, but it bears repeating: nothing in life worth doing is easy, and everything that's worth doing is worth doing well. Keep up the good work; it's already starting to pay off, I'm sure.
 
Hey-- running at max capacity isn't such a bad thing. That's how we increase said capacity. Toe the edge, without going over, and in time the edge moves further away.

Glad to hear that things are going well, if not easily. I've said it a few times, but it bears repeating: nothing in life worth doing is easy, and everything that's worth doing is worth doing well. Keep up the good work; it's already starting to pay off, I'm sure.
 
Update:

Hey bluelight, ive been lurking for the last few weeks... not really left, but couldnt post till now. The hardest part is getting motivated, the depression seems to be lifting but the anxiety remains to a great degree. Im keeping up the walking and have used my time well once i get started after my first xanax.

Alot of stuff done to move foward, i got nicotene patches today as my lung capacity is absolutly shocking for my age (about half of what it should be) that was gr8 news... So i gotta quit smokin and smokin weed, time to eat the weed i spose, il be glad to be rid of ciggys, got 2 packs left then i start on the patches,

Still on 6 mg Xanax a day, my antidepressant seems to be lifting my moods, and i wanna go study psycotherapy in good time when im a bit better and more able.. I feel bad that ive not contributed here and i appologise to all u people who are in a worse hole and my unableness to offer any advice atm:(

between here and there im getting ready to move into better acomadition and saving for a car. Work will be ok if i can get a start in the delivery industry, Doc sais after this much time on xanax il be ok to drive as im so used to it.

I got a three month plan people.... i'l be keeping the forum informed on progress in this thread and am trying to get back into posting and giving something back to here. If u made it to the end of this i thank u and apprecieate any thoughts, feeed back or questions about exactly where im @:\
feels good to get that off my chest. Thank fuck for Bluelight!<3
 
Shamefull self bump

well its sunday, ive got my nicotene patches ready to start on tuesday, xanax is a demon, i really am fucked without it, Meditation is progressing and i wanna go study. But im still having lots of self doubt and get the anxiety attacks even thinking of going bak to work... I so cant wait 2 have a car, i thinks we will be packing up and leaving this area, as much as i love it i got 2 many connections that lead me into situations that make it hard to say no. Owise im just contuinueing on this 3 month plan but am so tempted to jump back on the herbals (mulingu inpiticular) but am trailing meds only for this period, im still having a beer or 2 every other day and when i go on the patches im gonna aim for one or two cones twice a day. Pray 4 my shit!! this is gonna suck
 
Sorry people, I gotta bump this one, i need help, i need to say, FUCK i busted bigtime tonite, i was going so well ive been trying to get my xanax dose down, stay away from the pisss, and fuck weed off and wear nicotene patches to stop my lungs from fucking dying...
But now i find myself here now at midnite, pissed as 6mg xanax in me n Iv'e been having dreams the last few nights like from bak in tha day about chasing/aquireing speed and getting needles and shit, its all fucked up i wouldnt go back there but i'm getting an extreme buzz tonite like i am speeding, my pupils are huge and im not tired but i think its my head fuckin with me.
Did i dream it or have i done it? its all a big headfuck i wwas going good an now im wasted as fuck but wired to the teeth also. Tomorrow i will pay if i dont atttempt to sleep but i think im gonna jump into bed with a few movies and see where that goes. If i dont pass out I'l be back in 4-6 hrs bitching in the rant thread. I feel pretty low on finishing, only time will tell the conciquences of my fuckup is the way im lookin @ it right now:(
 
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