Following the Tri-score brick road.

[S.M.F.G]

hey TDS feels like de-ja-vu that i'm back here, Last thread was on the same kinda line, this time its worse.

Quick background:Used lots of different substances since i was about 12 weed being the first and progressing from there to well you name it.

About 5 yrs ago i was being a lot tamer with all this but i had changed, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, respitory hassles etc. Was put on Valium not such a good idea when drinkin also, landed me up in the local psyc ward, since then till now ie been perscribed just about every anti depressant, anti convulsant, and benzo one could immagine. I started on small dose xanax maybe 3 yrs back, had issues, got put on klopin, had more issues got put back on xanax due to panic episodes.

NOW i am on 6mg daily (sometimes 8 or 9) this has been the case for the last 6 months or so, combined most of the time with alchohol or weed (only way i can seem to feel normal anymore) ive been out of work, living in shitty conditions with the feeling of no escape bar the little physical stuff i can manage to do on my good days.

I also Take Tramadol like lollies (no moer than 400mg per day) and also drink and smoke. The state of the world has put me into a place where i no longer feel comftorbale or @ ease, I look around and hate what i see and want no part of it and hate what i am.

Supposed to be quitting weed today and wawkening @ 3:30 am to a weeping girlfriend and 2 mg of xanax then holdin out for the 2nd tablet only till 7 the realisation of what i am about to undertake is staggeringly depressing, Im goin to fill another tram script today to try and get ontop of my shit, ive had counceling etc to little avail, and im fast running out of options and i fear im becomeing an alcholic.

I'm scared of loseing my child, i'm scared of loseing my girlfriend, I woke up so fucked today i had to come here and get it out, The deep hole i was stuck in during my last thread has gotten 100 km deeper, and my Doc sais i need to take the xanax due to the fact id simply not cope. Dont know for the hell of me what to do.
Just someone who can relate or offer some advice would be nice. I dont think ive ever felt this down and its makin ma gf worried

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

The state of the world has put me into a place where i no longer feel comftorbale or @ ease, I look around and hate what i see and want no part of it and hate what i am.

I don't have any help to offer but I relate to this man and I remember you from awhile back, we talked on msn briefly but i don't get on MSN anymore. If you ever need to talk...pm me..... or I'll figure out my msn password and talk man.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ZAP! Long time it has been, i hope uv been keeping well

Update for today: cant remember how many bricks ive had i think i been ok maybe two more, 8 trams down, couple of glasses of red, and caved into the givin up pot first after feeling like shit and being in bed most of the day, and here i remain,
just had first couple of conez and getting where i need to be, shut down my facebook today coz i cant deal with all the shit going on in the world and as much as i want to help i myself am a trainwreck and all the annon news, indie news, and links shared there are just makin me worse.
So where to from here i ask... Maybe try and skip the drinks tomoz? got suggested seroquel to knock me out by a associate and have a script for it, but have reservations on useing it, not to mention no $$$.

Life is really suckin the worst it has ever right now, ive re-invented myself before, this time shits hard and i must turn elsewhere for ideas, advice and an eye. Im out... typin here for ages when i shuld be spendin time with my g/f
Spose il post how it go tomorrow

 

[Legerity]

I can understand getting dragged down by watching news and paying attention to the state of the world. The best thing you can do if you want to contribute to society is to make sure to take care of yourself. So if that means not paying attention the news for a while then so be it. Focus on yourself for a while and then you'll be better able to contribute in whatever way you are inspired to.

Out of the substances that you are currently using is there one that you feel the most ready to let go of or start reducing? You don't have to do everything at once; if you can just start with minor easy adjustments then that can build momentum for further changes later on.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Out of the substances that you are currently using is there one that you feel the most ready to let go of or start reducing? You don't have to do everything at once; if you can just start with minor easy adjustments then that can build momentum for further changes later on.

Definitly Alchohol, seems to be the easiest atm, and doing the most damage.
woken @ 4am agitated, felin bad till 4mg xanax @ 6 am onto first glass of wine 8am, cone, n trsmz soon as i Have to go out today and these are the tools that get me there,
i dont enjoy it by any means, i am avoiding the news like i avoid most TV anyway, but Had to get away from facebook as the stream of fucked up shit was just too much. As far as physical stuff goes i can take a walk to do what i have to, otherwise im doin stuff around the house eg: made a campfire the otherday just for shits n gigles, but rarley these days i find anything enjoyable anymore.
Gotta charge up to get out, must comeback later and post my mornings happenings..I'm not looking foward to today ...even here in OZ i look around and feel estranged and want no part of commercialisim or this new age money is everything bullshit, and im living in one of the worst places for it

 

[Asclepius]

SMFG, You are right to stay away from thingsthat are causing you alot of stress at the moment. You probably need some mental 'time out'.
'Making the campfire' and the simple things like that, can be a real panacea-I never underestimate the power of the simple stuff because they usually deserve more credit than they are due IMO.

Its good that you can recognise that Alcohol is a double edged sword for you ATM. Maybe check out the: Alcoholism Thread ...might help.

 

[S.M.F.G]

" I'l come back later and post the mornings happenings" he said two odd days ago8)

been kinda goin downhill folks exept for the fact i havnt had a drink in two days now, I feel so estranged from myself, i having trouble finding pleasure in anything, i havent even been able to log onto here to post really ive done very little..Even eating is a real mission and i find myself gettin real upset when i actualy do eat, cant grasp why

Also kinda @ times i get this just a flat lack of wanting for anything, complete emptyness or kinda like a whats the point attitude seems to be employed from my perspective sometimes but then i think well maybe im beating myself up a bit too much ova it.

but as a general update im really trying to keep to my med schedule, am having some real big downer episodes ova the last few days also but, probably comes with the terotory.

I really think im loseing my mind some mornings and the physical symptoms of cutting back my xanax dose are showing but im assuming that cutting tha alchohol out was gonna knock me hard anyway.

Id rabbit on more but im not really feeling like it there is more to tell but maybe another day.

Anyway without a doubt,
Yall keep me talking
Over and out.

 

[Dave]

One thing that I found really helped with flat affect (although, granted, mine was never quite as bad as yours) was a good run. Gathering enough motivation to do it was tough, but if I could force myself to get moving and work up a good sweat, I found that it would pull me a bit out of a funk. Usually only temporarily, but as it was always in a positive direction I found it worthwhile. Weights helped to a lesser extent, but I think that whatever exercise works for you might be beneficial. Plus it can help to get you out of your head for a bit; focusing on the physical for a bit.

You're still keeping to your schedule though, which is huge. It's going to be rough going for a while, but it will get better in time. One's got to recognize the small victories if one is to keep fighting the battles

 

[S.M.F.G]

Dave ur right, physical activity is gr8 when i can do it, and the small victorys must be acknowleged...

Took a "miniseniran" last nite is a trycilic anti depresant and finaly got my sleep in . Sober for i think 3 or 4 days now without a drink, getting onto my first 24 hrs without weed, Med shedule went out the window today but, no money and no ciggys im two bars up on what i should be and got the trams again.

Overall though it has been shitty, got my hands on a couple of smokes which i think has saved my sanity today, was offered speed which i classicly find hard to resist when offerd, but declined. The morningwas pretty fucked i was moody and got into an arguement with my g/f, got her all upset and went off headbutting shit, which didnt help the situation,
Ive felt pretty much on the level since maybe lunchtime,although i had to go somewhree that there was LOTS of folk which made me most uncomftorbale.

But after my pillz and a ciggy took the time to play frisbee with my little one and get a cubbyhouse started for her, she said that she had more fun doin that stuff than in a long time which was a boost for me.

But ive busted on the xanax which dissapointed me but after the morning i had i just wanted my head to be either clear of numb...Tramz helped also. Its quite an undertaking but im not missing booze (not like i had money for it) but i always could have raided the kiddos money box for 3$ to get a bottle of wine, but just couldnt do that, which makes me think that im most likley not alchoholic, just enjoyed mixin the benzos wit it as it sedates you tenfold.

The giving up weed (again) is hurtin after only this short ammount of time I'm really hopeing that i dont fuck it up...It's really time for a T-break
so to sum up im smokin ciggys like a chimney, takin a butfuck load of meds, and gonna see doc nxt week about maybe tryin to get off the benzos, www.benzo.org.uk was a gr8 place to go.

But one thing @ a time i suppose cant do the ciggys yet il go fucking crazy, Il get off the weed (hopefully).Although between ciggys and weed id rather give up ciggys but the weed is more logical as It could be fuckin with my head a bit. But then may be ready to start a taper i really dont know, money hassles, a pre pubesent daughter who's lil body is going thru changes and is @ that confused age i cop alot from her sometimes which is upsetting. not to mention the work required around here to keep this place respectable. Feels like too much most of the time

Probably missed something but ive rambled on enuf. Anyone out there reading this that has gone on the slow taper offa xanax onto valium then down from there? Some feedback on what to expect from such a long taper and what im lookin @ here would be gr8.

Can only wait now till tomorrow and see how things are, and ul hear bout it
Ty to all those who have replied me its a help in itself just to be part of this forum.
Hangin in there by a thread, lots of racy thoughts and crys and feelin down still but @ least the piss seems to be an easy one. Want to post more in others threads i feel like a cunt comin here and ranting and having little imput into others threads, but im lurkin and goddamnit im reading and il get to the more active user stage in good time.
I'm out and feelin slow so im really gonna wrap it up now

An interesting thing came up in another thread which was basicly "why go thru all that pain only to relapse" and it being an semingly endless circle. I had a good think about that.An interesting thing came up in another thread which was basicly "why go thru all that pain only to relapse" and it being an semingly endless circle. I had a good think about that. anyone else feel this way sometimes?

 

[Legerity]

Hey sounds like you're putting some effort here, good job. Relapses are not guaranteed and if you do violate one of your own "rules" then it's helpful to use it as a learning experience to modify your approach rather than feeling guilty and using more as a result. Keep us updated

 

[wolverhamptonian]

Mate i can relate 2 you on a few levels especially the drinkig!!. Personly i know if you could in:crease your exercize at a gym to say 5 times a week its sort of a distraction and helps elovate your mood.Also being at a gym even if you dont speak much to those there its a social interaction activity i wish you well my friend if you ever want to chat mate message me!!.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ hey thnx :-/
Gym is something i cannot afford atm... although i agree excersize is important, just have to use whateever i can do @ home, Plus i;m not sure i could handle the gym atm, Just not feeling like bein around strangers an im only a small lad, Maybe when i have more $$$ il be into it, have seen many folk dramaticly change thru excersize & good diet, one dude i know, Used to be my size now he's a tank!!
Anyways i'm here 4 a quickpost as it half two in the morning and im goin on 38 odd hrs off weed..Does shit to ur sleep, fraid to take more xanax (dun wanna run low) nad the trycilic did nothing to get me to sleep tonite, might have another soon but it only hrs off daylight.
Tramz out of the question coz i hit em hard today... just waitin it out atm but least got some ciggyz to not get too off tap.
And thnx wolverhamptonian will have to touch base sometimes n try keep an eye on eachothers progress maybe, it always nice to have non judgemental folk to speak this 2.....
Untill nxt time then bluelight....i will miss u till im bak on:-/

 

[Asclepius]

^Agree with what Leg said about the 'learning' from relapsing. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easily it seems. Although at the time that can be hard to accept but how else do we learn the value of looking after ourselves, if we dont fall down occasionally.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ yes a good point indeed, Today hasnt been too terribly bad, thought the weed thing would be killin me right now, smokin ciggys like allshit, Dont feel the need or want to drink and i had the chance today...
Thinks the trycilic may have helped out a bit although they say it takes time to work, but ive been on and off those trycilics for a few months an dun use em daily so im not sure...
having said that im still struggeling to keep to my xanax dose where it should be, But am glad ive got em atm throwing away booze and weed @ the same time is a big ask for me. overall an ok day (didnt wake till 12 was up @ 2:30 postin here) apart from a few dramas ive felt more stable today but had tramz to help wit that also

but two weeks till i get back to doctor and nowhere enuf tramz to last till then,So that im seeing as a potential problem. Also G/f givin up weed 2 so its a bit tense around here atm. But we fightin on

Pleased to say today was one of the first days in a long while i havnt woken up all fucked up and upset, craveing that first dose. Possibly another small win

 

[Asclepius]

^Definitely another win mate

 

[S.M.F.G]

With wins losses follow

Well iv'e fucked up..again

My pay didnt get put into my bank as i awoke to check it, shoved 4mg xanax down ma throat and went to sort it out, sorry no money for another few days...
I raged so hard, finished my last virginia ciggy then went on to catch a loan offa the g/f and promptly busted with weed, got another pack of smokes (been goin thru a pack a day for tha last few days) and of course i just had to have a beer whilst passing thru

Feeling very dissapointed with myself right now evn if i had mre cash i wouldnt go get anymore booze though but yar total fail today, Im ready to eat another brick and fall back into a wee stupor.

Fucking money and the shit it brings with it its the most evil fucking invention EVER!! an the stresses ova that suck. I really dun no what to do tha heads in a mess but i did eventualy sleep last nite and got thru till 10:30 and did wake better than i have been, Untill i found out i had no money and would have every asshole on my back about it

Big time trigger time i recon
whats done is done now cant undo it but im angry @ myself nonetheless.
Thats been the morning, lets see what happens this arvo/tonite

 

[Asclepius]

It's amazing how easy it is to be triggered, I too, have gone ape-shit when the routine(like money not being in the bank et- it sucks to the 'N'th degree!8)) was intercepted by some unlucky fate.
Look, at least you are aware of your reactions S.M.F.G., aknowledging them helps us to, somewhat, better able to deal with them when they arise again-and they fekin will!
All you can do is move on from it, learn from it and re-adjust.
Good luk with your afternoon, hopefully the experience, though you're angry, will empower you.

 

[S.M.F.G]

ahhhh dammit yesterday was a bit of a screwup, Funny enuf i got out of the house in the arfternoon (scored useage of a neat pushbike) and came home again feelin fine....a little too fine.
Thinks i overdid the xanax aswell all i remember is a hazy dinner, putting kid to bed and my girlfriend looking @ movies.

Now its morning, Im kinda like wtf? scratching head. had one morning cone one morning ciggy and one morning tablet, now im kinda just in autopiolot mode the weather looks like shite out there n im trying to make things a bit more fun for the kid as its holidays an it a bit hard when it raining.

Things r on the level so far today, Way better wakeing emotionaly... those night time trycilics r whats makin me sleep in and wake well but, and so that cant continue during school times which is a bit of a worry.

Got 2 weeks to go b4 i go bak to doctors, still gonna not buy weed when the bags gone, i dont like the fact that i smoke so many ciggys whilst undertaking these things they really bad 4 ya and my chest already sounds shitty.

Is all i have to report atm, had to jump on an do it before i didnt feel like it

 

[Dave]

The big thing is that you seem to have put your 'screwup' (which I wouldn't call it, TBH-- go easy on yourself) behind you and haven't used it as an excuse to go for the gusto as it were. Which is huge. Big pats on the back for you there.

Gym memberships are great, but not really necessary depending on what you want to achieve. Playing frisbee, going for a run, doing bodyweight resistance training (like pushups, pull-ups, dips, planks, lunges) or what have you can give the same psychological benefits with little to no cost. I've found that the only major advantage of having a gym membership is that you can keep your home as a place to relax, and can't use the 'the weather sucks' excuse.

Glad to hear that today went better though, and hope that tomorrow's better still!

 

[S.M.F.G]

Everything seems pretty turbulant right now folks, tha last few days have been pushed thru with a balance of physical activity, resting then makin sure i eat...
Gosta have that xanax first up owise im no good... today everyones feelin sik n cold, im 4 mg, n a couple of smokes up and im able to deal with things, but I really feel like im going no where, im not drinkin yea thats good, but i have had one beer inbetween so thats not exactly not drinking is it?

sticking to the xanax schedule apart from that one odd extra pill in the morning, still not had the opp to stop weed so im left in a bit of a weird spot today bein that gettin active is not really gonna hapen.

God folks im feelin scared as allfuck.... got a couple more days till i go to the doctor and if im good il have pills left over which will be a first.
thats all i can think to post i feel like a zombie could go into so much more detail, explain better but i cant