I'm so frustrated and down right now I don't even know what to do with myself. I was just getting started studying for 3 huge electrical theory tests I have back-to-back kicking off in twelve hours from now, and my mom calls saying my dad is back in the hospital and shit is looking serious. His beatbox just don't work right no more and docs already had a few looks inside it in the past but now it's too risky to do anything. It makes me livid that he gave so much heart early in his life before I knew him, and now it's his heart that's failing him.
So now I'm sitting here staring at pages of numbers and heiroglyphs and they're making less sense by the moment because my mind has locked itself in the attic of my brain and started to stare blankly out the proverbial window at the rain. It's raining blood and I want nothing more than to drink and smoke myself into a coma but I can't.
I knew my dad's time was limited less than a year ago when he was in the hospital last. Now I can start to see the spool through the thread that is his life wrapped around it. My mom's sanity and health has to be my biggest concern now, but I know I can't be depended to look after her. She's been strong for so long, looking after my dad the way she has for, well, ever since they've been married pretty much.
She's kept the family together even though it's been drifting apart. All we are now is phone calls, love-yas and Saturday night dinners together where we attempt to catch up even though none of us has much left to say. Pretty soon, the tenuous threads that bind us will start to unravel. The stoic masque my mom upheld for all these years will crack and shatter like glass under too much stress. I will have to be strong for her even though I can't cop to being man enough to be strong enough for myself or anyone else I've ever had in my life.
She and I will be the only ones left of our kin on this side of the world. I've told her in the past she has to think about moving back to Europe to be with family. I just want her happiness, but she doesn't want to let me go. She is stubborn to a fault. So is my dad...
So am I.
So now I'm sitting here staring at pages of numbers and heiroglyphs and they're making less sense by the moment because my mind has locked itself in the attic of my brain and started to stare blankly out the proverbial window at the rain. It's raining blood and I want nothing more than to drink and smoke myself into a coma but I can't.
I knew my dad's time was limited less than a year ago when he was in the hospital last. Now I can start to see the spool through the thread that is his life wrapped around it. My mom's sanity and health has to be my biggest concern now, but I know I can't be depended to look after her. She's been strong for so long, looking after my dad the way she has for, well, ever since they've been married pretty much.
She's kept the family together even though it's been drifting apart. All we are now is phone calls, love-yas and Saturday night dinners together where we attempt to catch up even though none of us has much left to say. Pretty soon, the tenuous threads that bind us will start to unravel. The stoic masque my mom upheld for all these years will crack and shatter like glass under too much stress. I will have to be strong for her even though I can't cop to being man enough to be strong enough for myself or anyone else I've ever had in my life.
She and I will be the only ones left of our kin on this side of the world. I've told her in the past she has to think about moving back to Europe to be with family. I just want her happiness, but she doesn't want to let me go. She is stubborn to a fault. So is my dad...
So am I.
I'm so sorry to hear that, thujone. My thoughts will be with you and your family and I hope your dad will be able to hang on a little bit longer. 
