nancy145
Bluelighter
im too drunk to like forum this shit so move to the rigjt one please. i like dont like drinking and shit but i cant handle life and its the first day of school since summer and i had a bunch of stressing ass shit and i drank like a whole bottle of wine and its bad but i couldnt help my sjitty ass self. i wanted to smoke weed which is good for me, i had a lot of problems before weed but i smoked and shit got better but some motherfucker robbed my ass of 300$ so im shit broke so i cant smoke so i took my moms win frme her hiding place and drank it all in 2 swigs in 30 second or so and im drunk but alcogols horrible for you and just fml. i was like stressed af cuz im just too weak to handle life and ug. i terlalu better ya know but what a our tommorow? i gotta go to 2 day pf school and ill be hungover as fuck. i need a way to handle shit when im outa good drugs without usonh bad drugs like alcohol. ive been off booze since mayish except for like a week ago and today, so 2 times. im tryin man but i guess im just shit. im 15 fuckin years old and cant handle my alcohol nd drugs and shit. i think i got my question across, i hope so. if i did answer me plz. thanks guys. :') thats a sad but friendly face
edit: i couldn't find a place to put this while writing so i came back here afterward, but i figured i should mention i cant get high off of adderall so when i take my normal dose it doesn't get me high or anything. i think its cuz i have add or adhd, but im not sure because ive never been diagnosed with it. thats the only reason i could think of that would explain it.
it's the next day now, I'm sober but really tired and my mind is like scattered.I should probably clarify a few things, im awful at explaining stuff drunk. My parents hide the alcohol cuz of me, they dont have any drug or alcohol problems. I had some really bad life events in the past that i dont really wanna get into, but basically they just messed me up. afterward i had really bad anxiety and depression for like 2 years, then the anxiety cleared up, but not the depression. i also had a really hard time doing any task or responsibility or anything, like homework or waking up in the morning. i just fall apart. i dont know more of a reason why than this, but something simple like homework or just waking up on time is just as painful as a relitivly big argument with a friend, and i dont handle stress and responsibility well either so in a way i guess its worse because its harder to fix or take care of. idk how else to describe how or why its difficult, but if you dont understand why really all i can say is it just is that bad. i dont even fully understand why. i barely do at all.
all i know is I'm me, and this is who i am. I'm someone unable to function as a normal human being. i tried a lot of different prescription drugs for it, idk all of them but i know ive been on SSRIs and mood stabalizors, specificly wellbutrin, fluoxitine, trileptol, lithium, but i know theres more. none of them worked. eventually i got really upset one day and asked my friend who used to smoke weed if he could get me coke(i've never done coke and dont plan to unless its a huge party or anything, i was just being dumb at the time). he told me not to do coke and he cant get it anyway, so he got me some weed. i started smoking, maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and the depression cleared up. i started drinking a month or so later, but it was recreationally and i didnt have any big problems with it.
4ish months after i started smoking my parents caught me and stopped allowing me to have money, so i couldnt buy any weed. all of my depression problems came back, and i started drinking to try to medicate myself instead. it didnt help and it caused a lot of problems, and eventually i learned my lesson after passing out on my friends basement floor at 5:30pm on a weekday at a casual hangout. i still drank a few times after that, not many, but at least i knew it was bad for me. soonish after that though my parents started letting me have money again, so i started smoking again and things cleared up. after i got caught again, i managed to convince my parents to let me smoke because weed helps me with my depression. they agree it does, but theyre still worried cuz its illegal and all. My psychiatrist agreed its working as a medication for my depression too so i'm not just some stoner making up an excuse to smoke.
because the weed helped with my depression, i never needed to drink for depression and i have good self control with doing drugs and stuff for fun so i never drank with friends, even when they were. things went well. i did drink twice last may because i was in a huge fight with my close friend and hadn't smoked for like a week and a half, and i had one beer in july with my friends just to try drinking for fun again, but i didn't really even enjoy it and decided not to drink.im really bad at remembering when everything happened, so im sure my times off here, but like two weeks ago, i ran out of weed so i spent a few days earning $300 and then got ripped off. i smoked once with my friend at least a week ago but after i got ripped off, but no more than that. hes grounded so he can't give me any, none of my other friends have weed, im broke, and even if i had money i couldn't buy any because my only other dealer is either taking a break or done.
I'm having major depression issues again, I've been feeling down in general but when im home by myself i just feel misreble. i randomly start crying for no reason like 2-5 times a day. I have no one to talk to because my only other friend with depression (his is a lot worse) has been fighting with his girlfriend so he can't take anything more. when i talk to my other friends they listen and care but they just dont know what to say because they dont understand what i feel like and why. sometime after i got ripped off but at least a week, probably more, ago i was really upset and figured fuck it, ill just drink. i drank a whole glass of 30 or 35% volume liquor all at once(i have no tolerence and a low natural one) and i think i got alcohol poisoning cuz my back hurt really bad. it made me feel better though, and that was really all i cared about. i didn't get caught or do anything stupid and destructive, so i mean it didn't turn out too bad. i stayed sober from then till yesterday. yesterday was the first day of school, and i got hours of papers to sign/supply lists/homework.
I'm a really irresponsible person and can't handle work or stress well, so after like 2 and a half hours of working at home i just cracked. i started crying right there at the table in front of both of my parents and my sister and went out on the back deck to try to relax and calm down. being outside helps me calm down so i stayed out there for the rest of the night till i went to bed around 12. i tried talking to two of my friends, i tried listening to music, i tried just sitting there looking at the trees and the sky. nothing worked. after over an hour and a half of trying to deal with it normally, i just couldn't stand it anymore and drank a whole bottle of wine. this time it wasn't cuz i was sad and wanted to, it was cuz i was sad and needed to. it really helped make me feel better, but i slept in 2 hours on the second day of school.
i have bad problems waking up and i sleep a lot more than most people, i go to bed at 745-830 on weeknights and still have an 40mg adderall prescription just to wake up and sleep less, but i can't sleep when im stressed and sometimes when im sad. i would've been up till 12 either way, but the alcohol makes me need more sleep and it makes waking up harder and i feel misreble (physicaly and emotionaly) the next morning. my mom literally dragged me out of my bed and onto the floor trying to get me up, but i layed on the floor for another 45 minutes with 40mg of adderall(20ir 20xr) in my system. i didn't take it during the summer either so i have a low or no tolerence. this is actually somewhat normal because of my sleep/waking up problems, but not to this degree. i kept zoning out and had awful short term memory loss, i almost threw up in the middle of class, and i feel really nauseous and haven't been able to eat all day. i somehow managed to do half an hour of homework once i got home but then i couldn't handle any more and i just collapsed on my bed lying there doing absolutely nothing for almost 3 hours till i started writing this.
i wanted to drink today but didn't need to, so i haven't. i just dont know what to do. I'm not really sure what the overall purpose of this thread is, and idk what im really asking for or what im expecting from replies. ive gotten lots of "don't drink or do drugs" so far, before my sober second part. i strongly think i should keep smoking weed, especially since my parents mostly agree and my psychiatrist agrees. i don't regularly do other drugs, and ive never really had a problem with anything else except DXM with acetaminophen, but i know only to do straight dxm now and don't do it much anyway and opiods, which i only did a few times but i really liked them a ton and i almost lost a friend in a fight because he wouldn't get me oxycodone and i was really upset, so now ill never even go near them. so really its just alcohol thats a problem.
i know i shouldn't drink and probably wont unless i really need to, but last night i couldn't stop or control myself. chances are itll happen again before i get weed again, so i need to figure out what to do. when i say i needed to, i mean i needed to. i was shaking and sweating and crying my eyes out. i had this urge to just bite myself and tear my skin off, make me bleed, but im not crazy enough to do it. it makes sense why in my head but idk how to explain it in words, hopefully someone else understands the same feeling and gets it. i had the urge to cut myself too, it's an emotional relief, which i used to do before weed, but i don't anymore because i give in to the urge to drink first. it's more destructive than drinking and helps a lot less. so after all of that i just couldn't stop myself. i don't know what to do instead of drinking. i dont remember what my original purpose for writing this drunk was, but as for the sober part i guess i wrote all this to express myself and for advice, if any exists. whenever im upset i like writing. it gets a lot of my thoughts and emotions out, and sometimes i even learn about myself. i feel productive too, even though i know this all is pretty much meaningless(i think thats the right word, again my brains scattered and im tired and shit).
It helped me writing this, i feel less caged inside and more relaxed, although still not even close to ok. im on adderall too, so writings easier and i trail off and get more off topic, which is good because then i like express myself and what i feel more, instead of writing what i was just thinking. and i guess i was hoping for some advice too, but idk if theres any advice anyone could give other than "dont drink", which im trying not to do. If you've read all this, thanks for caring, i know my writing on adderall is hard to read and annoying. I guess thats it.
edit 2:
just got a scan of my brain at the doctor, he said i have the worst anxiety he's seen out of any of his patients in years :/ i guess that explains pretty much everything
edit: i couldn't find a place to put this while writing so i came back here afterward, but i figured i should mention i cant get high off of adderall so when i take my normal dose it doesn't get me high or anything. i think its cuz i have add or adhd, but im not sure because ive never been diagnosed with it. thats the only reason i could think of that would explain it.
it's the next day now, I'm sober but really tired and my mind is like scattered.I should probably clarify a few things, im awful at explaining stuff drunk. My parents hide the alcohol cuz of me, they dont have any drug or alcohol problems. I had some really bad life events in the past that i dont really wanna get into, but basically they just messed me up. afterward i had really bad anxiety and depression for like 2 years, then the anxiety cleared up, but not the depression. i also had a really hard time doing any task or responsibility or anything, like homework or waking up in the morning. i just fall apart. i dont know more of a reason why than this, but something simple like homework or just waking up on time is just as painful as a relitivly big argument with a friend, and i dont handle stress and responsibility well either so in a way i guess its worse because its harder to fix or take care of. idk how else to describe how or why its difficult, but if you dont understand why really all i can say is it just is that bad. i dont even fully understand why. i barely do at all.
all i know is I'm me, and this is who i am. I'm someone unable to function as a normal human being. i tried a lot of different prescription drugs for it, idk all of them but i know ive been on SSRIs and mood stabalizors, specificly wellbutrin, fluoxitine, trileptol, lithium, but i know theres more. none of them worked. eventually i got really upset one day and asked my friend who used to smoke weed if he could get me coke(i've never done coke and dont plan to unless its a huge party or anything, i was just being dumb at the time). he told me not to do coke and he cant get it anyway, so he got me some weed. i started smoking, maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and the depression cleared up. i started drinking a month or so later, but it was recreationally and i didnt have any big problems with it.
4ish months after i started smoking my parents caught me and stopped allowing me to have money, so i couldnt buy any weed. all of my depression problems came back, and i started drinking to try to medicate myself instead. it didnt help and it caused a lot of problems, and eventually i learned my lesson after passing out on my friends basement floor at 5:30pm on a weekday at a casual hangout. i still drank a few times after that, not many, but at least i knew it was bad for me. soonish after that though my parents started letting me have money again, so i started smoking again and things cleared up. after i got caught again, i managed to convince my parents to let me smoke because weed helps me with my depression. they agree it does, but theyre still worried cuz its illegal and all. My psychiatrist agreed its working as a medication for my depression too so i'm not just some stoner making up an excuse to smoke.
because the weed helped with my depression, i never needed to drink for depression and i have good self control with doing drugs and stuff for fun so i never drank with friends, even when they were. things went well. i did drink twice last may because i was in a huge fight with my close friend and hadn't smoked for like a week and a half, and i had one beer in july with my friends just to try drinking for fun again, but i didn't really even enjoy it and decided not to drink.im really bad at remembering when everything happened, so im sure my times off here, but like two weeks ago, i ran out of weed so i spent a few days earning $300 and then got ripped off. i smoked once with my friend at least a week ago but after i got ripped off, but no more than that. hes grounded so he can't give me any, none of my other friends have weed, im broke, and even if i had money i couldn't buy any because my only other dealer is either taking a break or done.
I'm having major depression issues again, I've been feeling down in general but when im home by myself i just feel misreble. i randomly start crying for no reason like 2-5 times a day. I have no one to talk to because my only other friend with depression (his is a lot worse) has been fighting with his girlfriend so he can't take anything more. when i talk to my other friends they listen and care but they just dont know what to say because they dont understand what i feel like and why. sometime after i got ripped off but at least a week, probably more, ago i was really upset and figured fuck it, ill just drink. i drank a whole glass of 30 or 35% volume liquor all at once(i have no tolerence and a low natural one) and i think i got alcohol poisoning cuz my back hurt really bad. it made me feel better though, and that was really all i cared about. i didn't get caught or do anything stupid and destructive, so i mean it didn't turn out too bad. i stayed sober from then till yesterday. yesterday was the first day of school, and i got hours of papers to sign/supply lists/homework.
I'm a really irresponsible person and can't handle work or stress well, so after like 2 and a half hours of working at home i just cracked. i started crying right there at the table in front of both of my parents and my sister and went out on the back deck to try to relax and calm down. being outside helps me calm down so i stayed out there for the rest of the night till i went to bed around 12. i tried talking to two of my friends, i tried listening to music, i tried just sitting there looking at the trees and the sky. nothing worked. after over an hour and a half of trying to deal with it normally, i just couldn't stand it anymore and drank a whole bottle of wine. this time it wasn't cuz i was sad and wanted to, it was cuz i was sad and needed to. it really helped make me feel better, but i slept in 2 hours on the second day of school.
i have bad problems waking up and i sleep a lot more than most people, i go to bed at 745-830 on weeknights and still have an 40mg adderall prescription just to wake up and sleep less, but i can't sleep when im stressed and sometimes when im sad. i would've been up till 12 either way, but the alcohol makes me need more sleep and it makes waking up harder and i feel misreble (physicaly and emotionaly) the next morning. my mom literally dragged me out of my bed and onto the floor trying to get me up, but i layed on the floor for another 45 minutes with 40mg of adderall(20ir 20xr) in my system. i didn't take it during the summer either so i have a low or no tolerence. this is actually somewhat normal because of my sleep/waking up problems, but not to this degree. i kept zoning out and had awful short term memory loss, i almost threw up in the middle of class, and i feel really nauseous and haven't been able to eat all day. i somehow managed to do half an hour of homework once i got home but then i couldn't handle any more and i just collapsed on my bed lying there doing absolutely nothing for almost 3 hours till i started writing this.
i wanted to drink today but didn't need to, so i haven't. i just dont know what to do. I'm not really sure what the overall purpose of this thread is, and idk what im really asking for or what im expecting from replies. ive gotten lots of "don't drink or do drugs" so far, before my sober second part. i strongly think i should keep smoking weed, especially since my parents mostly agree and my psychiatrist agrees. i don't regularly do other drugs, and ive never really had a problem with anything else except DXM with acetaminophen, but i know only to do straight dxm now and don't do it much anyway and opiods, which i only did a few times but i really liked them a ton and i almost lost a friend in a fight because he wouldn't get me oxycodone and i was really upset, so now ill never even go near them. so really its just alcohol thats a problem.
i know i shouldn't drink and probably wont unless i really need to, but last night i couldn't stop or control myself. chances are itll happen again before i get weed again, so i need to figure out what to do. when i say i needed to, i mean i needed to. i was shaking and sweating and crying my eyes out. i had this urge to just bite myself and tear my skin off, make me bleed, but im not crazy enough to do it. it makes sense why in my head but idk how to explain it in words, hopefully someone else understands the same feeling and gets it. i had the urge to cut myself too, it's an emotional relief, which i used to do before weed, but i don't anymore because i give in to the urge to drink first. it's more destructive than drinking and helps a lot less. so after all of that i just couldn't stop myself. i don't know what to do instead of drinking. i dont remember what my original purpose for writing this drunk was, but as for the sober part i guess i wrote all this to express myself and for advice, if any exists. whenever im upset i like writing. it gets a lot of my thoughts and emotions out, and sometimes i even learn about myself. i feel productive too, even though i know this all is pretty much meaningless(i think thats the right word, again my brains scattered and im tired and shit).
It helped me writing this, i feel less caged inside and more relaxed, although still not even close to ok. im on adderall too, so writings easier and i trail off and get more off topic, which is good because then i like express myself and what i feel more, instead of writing what i was just thinking. and i guess i was hoping for some advice too, but idk if theres any advice anyone could give other than "dont drink", which im trying not to do. If you've read all this, thanks for caring, i know my writing on adderall is hard to read and annoying. I guess thats it.
edit 2:
just got a scan of my brain at the doctor, he said i have the worst anxiety he's seen out of any of his patients in years :/ i guess that explains pretty much everything
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