Floodgates have been opened

You know, for the last , say 6 months or so, I have been on an emotional roller coaster.
I thought therapy was going really well for me- but I feel like I am so overwhelmed by the things coming out in therapy that I am shutting down mentally and opening up emotionally. I have been pretty good at thinking my feelings through and obviously that is not happening anymore. I am shutting down and just letting myself wallow in my depression some days. I almost want to stop going.
My therapist is cool- She is open minded and just generally a cool person. She is into religions (Buddhism mostly ) and Astrology-
She totally was open to me telling her about me communicating with spirits (yeah, yeah- say what you will) and my intuition-
She understood it actually. The feelings of panic and anxiety that 'could this thought be a prediction?' b/c all of these other thoughts were.....
I know this sounds silly to people who don't get it or haven't experienced it.....
But she gets it- So I like her.
She has encouraged me to open up more to myself.....Um, in a way that I thought was positive. She made me realize I give myself no slack and though I am totally accepting of other peoples faults I beat up on myself......
She helped me to accept that though I cope and am okay- I will always be growing from and carrying the weight of my past sexual issues- My parental issues- my extended family issues.
I used to put them away and just not deal with them. I would say its like a filing cabinet- I just put the thought in the cabinet and locked it up-
Well, she unlocked it and I THOUGHT this was a good thing......
But turns out it is making me a basket case.
And then yesterday I kind of snapped on her......
I guess b/c what she said made me lose a little bt of faith in how solid the work we were doing was......
I told her that I have been mean to people, particularly my husband.
He and I got in a fight and I was downright hateful to him.
Though my point and complaints were valid, my presentation ruined it and made me look like my complaints were coming from an irrational place.
I channeled everything I hate and it came spewing out of my mouth.
I feel that when you say things that are purposefully hurtful, it is verbally abusive.
THIS took me a long time to face b/c I always made excuses for other people tearing me down verbally- Finally I admitted to myself that I had been verbally/emotionally abused and it wasn't okay-
Then there I was doing this to someone else.
My therapist told me it was okay- I snapped back without hesitating (which was not right, I should have thought it through) That it was in no way okay and I'm not going to sit there and let her, or myself make any excuses for that sort of behavior. Her eyes got all big and then I felt like an asshole all over again.
I know she was trying to keep me from carrying too much guilt (b/c that is an issue for me- and didn't want me to beat myself up) She even said "I was just trying to make you feel better"!!
But I have told her in the past that I never want to NOT take responsibility for the wrong I do, have done etc. If I am wrong I want to recognize it, apologize and learn from it.....I felt like she was suffocating that part of me- Trying to make excuses for me.......
Which is what I have done for others and that makes me sick.

I feel like I'm sinking and not able to be logical or stable anymore.
I don't know how to get back on solid ground again.
Maybe I will feel different tomorrow.

 

Hey, your therapist is well aware of the fact that part of the cleansing process means that emotions get all 'flubbery'. She was the closest person at that time so she got 'flubbed'. She understands this and is most likely quite accustomed to it.

And the fact that you feel some sort of way about how you spoke to her is just another testament to your good character

 

You're in the tough part of therapy now, where you've identified the sources of your issues, but are still learning how to deal with them in a positive way. Many people don't get past this point, and wind up disillusioned with psychology. I know that you'll be able to get past this; you're stronger I think than you're giving yourself credit for right now, and from the sounds of it your psych is excellent.

I don't know if she was making excuses for you, but rather was telling you why you were acting in that way, and perhaps meaning more that it was understandable knowing your history rather than acceptable. Regardless, don't give up now-- you can see the demons now, face them fully, and just need to learn how to shoo them away.

/sends happy thoughts your way

 

aww, i am kinda at a loss of what to say. but you are a super sweet person who is always there for people. so i am sure your therapist sees this too

 

Thanks for your support and kind words guys
I was really emotional yesterday when I wrote this, and I am not going to stop going to therapy. I applied a couple weeks ago for a grant extension for her (I see her for free through a grant for low income people- I THINK I'm getting 10 more sessions) So, if I am approved, I will keep going. She is a good therapist, you're right- and I'd be a fool to walk away now

 

Hi ocean you don’t need telling how difficult the journey you’re on can be, it sounds like you making a lot of progress something you need to be really proud of and when you do move forward in therapy really embrace that feeling cos it’s a good feeling and a step in the right direction. You hang in there girl it sounds like you doing just fine.

 

Thanks Simon