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Flirting with the idea

deltakappamu

deltakappamu

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 19, 2013
Messages
351
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I could tell you my adventures, but there's no use
my dude just called and was wondering where Ive been.

I just told him I had no money thinking he would leave me alone.

He told me that he knows I gotta be sick as fuck, and says "you know i'll help you out till you get paid, right?"


ughhghhhghghghghghghghghhg

I don't want to get high but I do want to all at the same time

I know all about using drugs against my own will and I am laying here thinking of all the scenarios. How can my mind be so sick to want to delay my progress and get high.

I really don't want to, so why am I thinking about doing it?
 
It's been over an hour since your last post. How are you doing? Do you think your dealer would lay off if you just let him know that you're trying not to use?
 
It's too easy when the guy's spotting you. I hope you went to the meeting but if you didn't, try your hardest to resist the temptation.
 
Hey y'all.. well some miraculous thing happened and I went straight to the meeting. I picked up a white key tag then proceeded to cry like a little bitch.

I told myself the entire meeting I would just go cop after the meeting.

Then when the meeting go out, I went straight home and took a shower. And now here I sit in my bed soaking wet with my hair in a towel eating pizza. (finally have an appetite.)

I am so glad I did not go meed ole boy, damn I am glad.

I have no idea if he would lay off of me.. I am one of his main spenders. He desperately does not want me to quit. That is apparent.

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate you all taking time to read and respond. I feel like I am safe.. for tonight anyway.
 
Well done! Of course this guy wants you to keep using because he wants your money. I had a friend who used to tell herself, "i'm not going to use today. Maybe tomorrow." Then it turned into a week, then a month. Like they say in AA, one day at a time! You can do this!
 
I had the same thing happen when I got clean this last time, a dealer kept calling because I had been one of his bigger custys and he didn't want to lose that profit. After a couple weeks of ignoring his texts I finally texted him back and said "Look man, I appreciate everything you've done for me but for the time being I am trying to get my shit together and I won't be needing your services. At the very least I need a tolerance break, so if and when I feel the need I will call YOU - otherwise please stop texting me"

And then I deleted his phone number, and never heard from him again. It's funny, this guy had hooked me up with quality shit for a long time and spotted me when I was sick more often than he should have for how long it took me to pay him back sometimes - at the time I really meant it when I said "I appreciate everything you've done for me" Looking back I know he never helped me and simply wanted my money, just goes to show how distorted our minds become.

If you tell him to stop politely and he keeps contacting you, if possible get a new phone number. If not you could always threaten calling the cops or something, I guess this depends on the type of guy he is though - obviously don't do this if you think you might get killed over it.


Anyway, I want to point out how proud I am of you and how incredibly proud of yourself you should be for not giving in tonight. You easily could have relapsed, but you didn't. Everytime you stand up for your true self instead of giving in to the addict, you will become stronger. Keep making decisions like you did tonight and I have no doubt you will remain clean! Seriously, I commend you. Most people would have used, you are an incredibly strong person. Keep it up! :)
 
deltakappamu said:
Hey y'all.. well some miraculous thing happened and I went straight to the meeting. I picked up a white key tag then proceeded to cry like a little bitch.

I told myself the entire meeting I would just go cop after the meeting.

Then when the meeting go out, I went straight home and took a shower. And now here I sit in my bed soaking wet with my hair in a towel eating pizza. (finally have an appetite.)

I am so glad I did not go meed ole boy, damn I am glad.

I have no idea if he would lay off of me.. I am one of his main spenders. He desperately does not want me to quit. That is apparent.

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate you all taking time to read and respond. I feel like I am safe.. for tonight anyway.
Click to expand...

You should be incredibly impressed with yourself. I'm not gonna lie - the entire time I was reading the replies you made (before I read this one) I was thinking "Oh shit, he's gonna go get the dope. Everyone does!" But you really caught me off guard with this man. You should not only be impressed that you were able to exhibit that kind of self-control, and you should also be very proud of yourself.

Not many people could have done that and the fact that you did amazes me. You truly want to get better and you should be SOOO proud of yourself... Like seriously, I know this is just words on a computer screen and you will never know who I am, but I'm seriously incredibly impressed. And even I find it impressive that someone over the internet was able to impress me like that.

Maybe I'm going on a little more than I should lol... Anyways, you can do this man (or woman haha) :) If anyone can do this - it's you.
 
Thank you guys! I have no idea how I managed to NOT go get the dope! I can't give myself all the credit though, because he only wanted to front me like 4 shoes anyway which would have made 2 decent shots don't get me wrong, but then I would have just been sick again all over this morning and I was thinking about how sick I was this last kick. I wanted to seriously kill myself. I have to be honest and say that I told him no at first, then I called him back and said yeah I want it, and then driving over there I texted him and told him I couldn't because I just remember I had to drop for a drug test tomm. lololoolol. I definitely was on the fence flirting with that idea like a motherfucker....maaaaaaannnnneeee damn. But in the end, I guess all that matters is that I didn't.

I have kicked a bunch before, in different settings but this time, even after 2 years clean, was the WORST.

CaseFace you are seriously a source of motivation and inspiration to me. I know that sounds gay or whatever, since we are online messaging friends, but you honestly have no idea how much you help. Also, isn't it so funny how we feel almost a sense of loyalty to our dope man? sick. I know how that goes. I doubt I would get killed over it, so maybe I need to figure something out to tell him. Maybe the fact that I haven't yet is a reservation? Dangerous and scary

And SwampFox, thank you for the kind words! You def did not go on more than you should, you just made this girl's day! :) <3
 
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Huuuuuuge kudos!! I'm so glad you didn't use. :) Know that we're here for you when/if you get the urge again. <3
 
SwampFox56 said:
You should be incredibly impressed with yourself. I'm not gonna lie - the entire time I was reading the replies you made (before I read this one) I was thinking "Oh shit, he's gonna go get the dope. Everyone does!" But you really caught me off guard with this man. You should not only be impressed that you were able to exhibit that kind of self-control, and you should also be very proud of yourself.

Not many people could have done that and the fact that you did amazes me. You truly want to get better and you should be SOOO proud of yourself... Like seriously, I know this is just words on a computer screen and you will never know who I am, but I'm seriously incredibly impressed. And even I find it impressive that someone over the internet was able to impress me like that.

Maybe I'm going on a little more than I should lol... Anyways, you can do this man (or woman haha) :) If anyone can do this - it's you.
Click to expand...

I was thinking the same thing. But you didn't! Well done. Keep that up.

NSA said in another thread advice relevant to this situation. He said don't think about whether it's a good idea to use. When your brain starts to rationalize eventually it will convince you. Just shut it out or attempt to and think about something else because if you fight long enough eventually your addiction will win. So the solution is to not fight. I know that's easier said than done though haha. But you can do it!
 
Delete the dealer's number and get a new phone number for yourself. If you have the dealer's number memorised and he won't respect your desire to quit, then you might have to go to the drastic measure of convincing him that it would not be in his best personal interests to sell to you anymore. The problem with this, though, it's that it's very tough to do this without unintended consequences.

But you're kidding yourself if you think you can sustain sobriety with the dealer trying to rope you back in. It's about lifestyle changes and pre-emptive measures. Will-power isn't our strong point, I am afraid. If you really want to get through the first few weeks clean, you have to drive a wedge between yourself and the drugs. After you have some time, then will-power can be harnessed and you can do things like go to social events and stuff.
 
I agree you should delete the dealer's number and block his calls. I really don't see any other way around this. Further more, I suggest using your cell phone's block application. Most cell phones have multiple options for blocking and/or rejecting numbers. So, you may set up so that the number is not only unable to ring through, no answering messages are allowed, etc.

This is free and most likely already on your phone.
 
deltakappamu said:
Thank you guys! I have no idea how I managed to NOT go get the dope! I can't give myself all the credit though, because he only wanted to front me like 4 shoes anyway which would have made 2 decent shots don't get me wrong, but then I would have just been sick again all over this morning and I was thinking about how sick I was this last kick. I wanted to seriously kill myself. I have to be honest and say that I told him no at first, then I called him back and said yeah I want it, and then driving over there I texted him and told him I couldn't because I just remember I had to drop for a drug test tomm. lololoolol. I definitely was on the fence flirting with that idea like a motherfucker....maaaaaaannnnneeee damn. But in the end, I guess all that matters is that I didn't.

I have kicked a bunch before, in different settings but this time, even after 2 years clean, was the WORST.

CaseFace you are seriously a source of motivation and inspiration to me. I know that sounds gay or whatever, since we are online messaging friends, but you honestly have no idea how much you help. Also, isn't it so funny how we feel almost a sense of loyalty to our dope man? sick. I know how that goes. I doubt I would get killed over it, so maybe I need to figure something out to tell him. Maybe the fact that I haven't yet is a reservation? Dangerous and scary

And SwampFox, thank you for the kind words! You def did not go on more than you should, you just made this girl's day! :) <3
Click to expand...

I help people not just because its the right thing to do, but because it helps me maintain my own progress as well. So thank YOU for reaching out for help. ;)

You're spot on with the reservation part. I forgot to mention that I deleted my dealers phone number right after that text I sent him, but I didn't delete the messages until a few weeks later - so any time I could have still gotten the number off my phone. I didn't consciously decide to do that on purpose, but I also know how insidious and deceptive the addict part of my mind is and I refuse to believe it was a simple mistake.. part of my left it in my phone on purpose, whether I consciously made the decision or not.
It's really a trip, the longer you stay clean and meditate the more you notice the inner workings of your mind. At which point you can start making real changes to the way you think. :)
 
I cannot thank you all ENOUGH for the support and kind words that I have been showered with here! Y'all are the shit, ForealForeal!

And y'all are 100 percent right regarding getting rid of his #. I have an iPhone 5, which has the block feature, so I need to do that asap. The fact that I have yet to do that maybe just be one high reservation.

One other dilemma though.. I work a full time job during the day... and I worked as a bartender while I was in nursing school, and I just never quit my bartender job after graduation and acquiring a full time position. So I work part time at the restaurant job. Well, way back when, I told my dope man that I could get him a job at my work (the part time one-restaurant.) So of course, I did and he just started there! FML lol

Soooooo thats a teensy weeny little thing that could be an issue.
 
Quit your second job.

If thats not an option just schedule your shifts around him.

Gotta make large changes in your life if you want to stay sober.

What's more important, the inconvience of finding a new part time job or your continued sobriety?
 
It is obvious that this person (your dealer) does not want your good, but your money.
Persons like that are best avoided.

Some things in life are best dealt with avoidance imo.

Wish you strength + good luck. Keep it up!
 
Change your phone number. If you're serious.. you really should do that. Because these dealers don't give a shit about you. To them you're just a source of income and you getting clean means that source of income has just ceased, and they want it back.

I always have dealers calling me after I get clean and don't come around. They'll offer you all this free shit, good deals, whatever, to hook you back. But you can't let yourself fall for it.

If you don't have the mental strength right now to resist calls/texts like that.. you need to just change your number.
 
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