Hi dear, your report was VERY powerful hun I have tears in my eyes in part because Dec 2, 1990 I ended the life of what had been my unborn son, conceived on my 26th birthday Oct 4 making him 2 months in utero, my one and only time I've ever been pregnant. To this day, I guess I'll never know if considering the circumstances, not having had an adoptive pair of parents ready to raise him, not knowing at the time I could NOT ever give birth natually without serious brain damage, coma, or more merciful ly, death. At the time, I didn't know I had a condition, birth defect called NPH, known in layman's terms as "water on the brain." I wouldn't in fact find out for another 2 years.
Regretfully too, I had been a heavy drug user that would take addiction to a new level in 6 months to painkillers. What I knew at the time had been pure fear, as I did the math of my finances - enough to support one person, pay rent, car, food, utilities ect. Even omitting drugs, adding the cost of a baby which would of cost $500/mo just for child care for an infant so I could work 40 hrs a wk, which alone was enough to sink me. I was in this alone an couldnt count on help from the dad because he made $5/hr & I could not ask him to help as I had failed to inform him I had gone off the pill 4 months before our night which is lying by omission. He knew I'd been on the pill 11 yrs, so of course it was reasonable to assume I was protected against unplanned pregnancy since I didn't inform him "uh dude by the way you might want to wear a rubber or we could go buy some foam, or risk me getting knocked up. any thoughts?" LOL. Mood killer for sure so we did a bunch of speed after going to Pink Floyd lazer show an went at it 8 hrs. Sex as a single woman was an infrequent event at best.
I didn't see the point of birth control pills being celebate 98% of the time. Dave wasn't my boyfriend, but what is referred to today as friends with benefits, but we were on the same page an I felt comfortable having known him 10 yrs. My birthday that night had been day 32 of my cycle the day my period was due. No chance of getting knocked up, how I was due that day. Ten days later, still no period, uh oh, so I had my coworker get a blood sample to find out HGC level which should of been 5-10 if not pregnant. I had been in a state of disbelief of equal parts exhilarated for the new life I was carrying - and whacked out fear.
I can't support this baby alone, my heavy drug use so early have I damaged an innocent child, my son? I heard this constant negative voice in my head of what an utter fuck up I was an if he wasn't damaged physically, I was a real scum bag and it was my fault he wouldn't have 2 parents, and my fragile self worth as it was would surely contaminate my son psychologically. A single woman with very low self esteem and earning power doesn't stand a chance in hell of raising him with positive assets.
I heard my dad's voice saying I'd be a major fuck up as a parent too. Then, came the massive mood swings even being sober. I wasnt in a balanced frame of mind colored sharply by drastic mood swings of inappropriate anger over trivial shit or bursting into tears without warning. Then the violent sickness from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. My productivity at work took a drastic decline an I let fear run rampant thinking I was going to get fired unless I stepped up my production. The fatigue was next, an the final fear factor that did me in. Taking my supervisor aside, I told him why my performance had been lacking.
To his credit I couldn't of asked for a better boss. He thanked me for my honesty and said he had no problem if I called in sick alot, but after 6 sick days he couldnt do anything about me losing pay. If I lost much more pay, I couldn't pay rent so I paniced and did speed then felt like a rat. God have I damaged my boy? What a scum bag I was an the cycle continued. What if I put him up for adoption but he came out damaged?
They would back out, the state would take him an he'd be institutionalised. I was an emotional basket case by then. How could I kill my baby? What were the bleak alternatives? My family would NOT be supportive of adoption. The adoption agencies said they would need the dad's signature giving up paternal rights. Suppose he won't? Then what? My mom always said she never wanted to know I was pregnant unless I planned on keeping it or letting her raise him. How would I go about hiding an adoption an keepin mom from finding out I was pregnant? Then my coworkers and patients would all know an ask about my baby and I would have to tell them I put him up for adoption.
What a fine flippin mess I got my dumb ass into & all because I didn't tell him we need to take a drive to the store an pick up some contraceptives. He would of been slightly annoyed, but so what. Its not like he wasnt horny enough. As fearful as I was having him getting rid of him felt a different kind of awful. The women both sides of my family had prolonged, extreme labor at best and death or C-section only. Didnt know my fathers medical family history either or the fact Im not supposed to ever have any but C-section . I cringe to think what would have been his fate if I had grown a set an stepped up to the plate of parental responsibility? Born with a vegtable for a mom or dead mom and Dave I now know would want to be in his son's life.
At least he'd not of lost both parent. So, between my mom, Dave, plus Dave's parents he would of been provided for and taken care of, especially without such an insecure, negative, influence of someone like the person I had been as his mother. He would of or could of been born July 4, 1991 or perhaps June 28th Daves birthday. He would have turned 22 this June or July.
Knowing now what I didn't know then, I'd advise myself to chill out and not stress out so heavily about all the endless possible fuck ups that could go wrong. I told Dave 2yrs after the fact an that I didnt feel I had any right to burden him since he wasnt informed I had been off the pill. I hated women that practiced deception by getting pregnant to trap a guy into marriage. Dave would have gotten married. I know because 4 yrs later a different woman got knocked up an she held him responsible so they got married, Jordan was raised in the home given to his parents when they got married.
Dave got divorced and his ex wife wanted one more kid so she had a one night stand, got knocked up, the dad didnt want anything to do with the kid so she asked Dave if he wanted to adopt Logan and he did. So, I forgave myself I think long ago, but would tell my 26 yr old self not to sweat the small stuff an to relax a bit. Shit can be worked out.
Regretfully too, I had been a heavy drug user that would take addiction to a new level in 6 months to painkillers. What I knew at the time had been pure fear, as I did the math of my finances - enough to support one person, pay rent, car, food, utilities ect. Even omitting drugs, adding the cost of a baby which would of cost $500/mo just for child care for an infant so I could work 40 hrs a wk, which alone was enough to sink me. I was in this alone an couldnt count on help from the dad because he made $5/hr & I could not ask him to help as I had failed to inform him I had gone off the pill 4 months before our night which is lying by omission. He knew I'd been on the pill 11 yrs, so of course it was reasonable to assume I was protected against unplanned pregnancy since I didn't inform him "uh dude by the way you might want to wear a rubber or we could go buy some foam, or risk me getting knocked up. any thoughts?" LOL. Mood killer for sure so we did a bunch of speed after going to Pink Floyd lazer show an went at it 8 hrs. Sex as a single woman was an infrequent event at best.
I didn't see the point of birth control pills being celebate 98% of the time. Dave wasn't my boyfriend, but what is referred to today as friends with benefits, but we were on the same page an I felt comfortable having known him 10 yrs. My birthday that night had been day 32 of my cycle the day my period was due. No chance of getting knocked up, how I was due that day. Ten days later, still no period, uh oh, so I had my coworker get a blood sample to find out HGC level which should of been 5-10 if not pregnant. I had been in a state of disbelief of equal parts exhilarated for the new life I was carrying - and whacked out fear.
I can't support this baby alone, my heavy drug use so early have I damaged an innocent child, my son? I heard this constant negative voice in my head of what an utter fuck up I was an if he wasn't damaged physically, I was a real scum bag and it was my fault he wouldn't have 2 parents, and my fragile self worth as it was would surely contaminate my son psychologically. A single woman with very low self esteem and earning power doesn't stand a chance in hell of raising him with positive assets.
I heard my dad's voice saying I'd be a major fuck up as a parent too. Then, came the massive mood swings even being sober. I wasnt in a balanced frame of mind colored sharply by drastic mood swings of inappropriate anger over trivial shit or bursting into tears without warning. Then the violent sickness from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. My productivity at work took a drastic decline an I let fear run rampant thinking I was going to get fired unless I stepped up my production. The fatigue was next, an the final fear factor that did me in. Taking my supervisor aside, I told him why my performance had been lacking.
To his credit I couldn't of asked for a better boss. He thanked me for my honesty and said he had no problem if I called in sick alot, but after 6 sick days he couldnt do anything about me losing pay. If I lost much more pay, I couldn't pay rent so I paniced and did speed then felt like a rat. God have I damaged my boy? What a scum bag I was an the cycle continued. What if I put him up for adoption but he came out damaged?
They would back out, the state would take him an he'd be institutionalised. I was an emotional basket case by then. How could I kill my baby? What were the bleak alternatives? My family would NOT be supportive of adoption. The adoption agencies said they would need the dad's signature giving up paternal rights. Suppose he won't? Then what? My mom always said she never wanted to know I was pregnant unless I planned on keeping it or letting her raise him. How would I go about hiding an adoption an keepin mom from finding out I was pregnant? Then my coworkers and patients would all know an ask about my baby and I would have to tell them I put him up for adoption.
What a fine flippin mess I got my dumb ass into & all because I didn't tell him we need to take a drive to the store an pick up some contraceptives. He would of been slightly annoyed, but so what. Its not like he wasnt horny enough. As fearful as I was having him getting rid of him felt a different kind of awful. The women both sides of my family had prolonged, extreme labor at best and death or C-section only. Didnt know my fathers medical family history either or the fact Im not supposed to ever have any but C-section . I cringe to think what would have been his fate if I had grown a set an stepped up to the plate of parental responsibility? Born with a vegtable for a mom or dead mom and Dave I now know would want to be in his son's life.
At least he'd not of lost both parent. So, between my mom, Dave, plus Dave's parents he would of been provided for and taken care of, especially without such an insecure, negative, influence of someone like the person I had been as his mother. He would of or could of been born July 4, 1991 or perhaps June 28th Daves birthday. He would have turned 22 this June or July.
Knowing now what I didn't know then, I'd advise myself to chill out and not stress out so heavily about all the endless possible fuck ups that could go wrong. I told Dave 2yrs after the fact an that I didnt feel I had any right to burden him since he wasnt informed I had been off the pill. I hated women that practiced deception by getting pregnant to trap a guy into marriage. Dave would have gotten married. I know because 4 yrs later a different woman got knocked up an she held him responsible so they got married, Jordan was raised in the home given to his parents when they got married.
Dave got divorced and his ex wife wanted one more kid so she had a one night stand, got knocked up, the dad didnt want anything to do with the kid so she asked Dave if he wanted to adopt Logan and he did. So, I forgave myself I think long ago, but would tell my 26 yr old self not to sweat the small stuff an to relax a bit. Shit can be worked out.