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First Time at 25

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Bluelighter
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Mar 28, 2006
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I've met a guy who is addicted to methadone and benzodiazepines and is in a process of tapering off the benzodiazepine first (just like me). One day he told me his story about falling into addiction. The reason was that he was turned down by a girl in the past in his puberty. Later, in secondary school he fell for another girl but she turned him down too. The third time he was turned down was the nail in the coffin. He started similar to me, i.e. with a light opioid and ended up shooting heroin.

During the time of his usage he didn't meet with anyone, his self-esteem suffered serious damage. Now he's 25 and he's been dating a girl for some time, she's 24. He told me that he had never made love and that he's worried about his first time with her, the reaction of the girl.

I told him that if she's wise concerning life, nothing bad will happen even when she realizes it's his first time. She may mention it and she may not but she will definitely react maturely anyway. Then he got another problem about the situation. What if she figures out, says nothing but feels an urge to talk about it but doesn't ask him because she doesn't want to make him feel offended in any way.

Chances a woman who had sex before will figure out that it's man's first time are like 90%, I guess. Anyway, I'm not a woman so I don't know. He's a fine looking guy, I saw the girl, she's very pretty. This makes him worry even more. I say it doesn't matter if they're together.

I would like to hear opinions on it from both perspectives, women's and men's. I want to help him because I was rejected too, the difference is it was at a very young age, I got interested in girls as real partners, I mean not only sex but a serious need for closeness. The problem was the girl I fell for wasn't mature enough for a serious relationship (totally understandable, I was 14 back then). And eventually a 1-year older girl helped me to get rid of unsubstantiated and ridiculous complexes.
 
I don't think there's any reason the girl would necessarily know. I don't think the common wisdom about first time performances being poor is necessarily a good generalization. I had a great first performance.

If he feels that he needs to tell her after the performance, it shouldn't be a problem to mention it. She'd surely be understanding and probably a bit more pushy for a second round if the first round was not so great.
 
I think she'll probably love that he's a virgin & cos they're both mature and like eachother they'll practise lots and get very good very quickly :) It won't be textbook perfect right from the start but that won't stop it from being awesome for both of them.
 
Thanks a lot for all replies! (well, I might look for some literature for myself, I haven't been in any serious relationship for quite some time and it's killing me)
 
Well I'm 25, and have very limited sexual experience, only a few times and all one night stand type things. I was really shy and had no self esteem up until I was shit, like 22 and left university and started working. Now I find the issue is that I moved to a new city, and got a job where I work hard, I don't have any circle of friends through which I'd meet someone, and I've been a pill popper too for quite a while which saps motivation. But I'm changing all that as we speak. I'm kicking my habit and really hope to be more assertive and try and meet a girlfriend.

But really, the thing that worries me isn't that I'll be really bad at sex or come in 30 seconds etc. etc. I can handle that, I think girls are probably fairly understanding of those sort of things - I'm more worried that they would think I must be some kind of a real weirdo if I haven't had any real relationships at my age. I don't know what's normal. I'm not awkward, I was just always too afraid to pursue things when I was younger.

So yeah I think most girls wouldn't be upset at one's lack of sexual skill, but rather would be concerned and think - something must be wrong with him to still be a virgin or practically one at 25. Just guessing though I don't know.
 
I wouldn't care if a guy was a virgin, although I'm a virgin as well, so maybe that makes a difference.
 
I know I wouldn't care if a girl was a virgin or had had like 20 bad relationships before. To be honest if it helped me finally meet a girl I could start a serious relationship with, I would turn back my virginity if it's such a big value not to be a virgin in this modern world for some people. I had to come back to my country and all I have now is no friends, no colleagues, literally no one I could hang out with in places where people usually meet THAT person. And let's be honest, things like sitting in a pub or entering a club alone look strange... :(

Yeah, parties for singles are a different thing but in my 350,000 population city that is the biggest academic centre in the region (that means over 100,000 students) there's no club holding such parties. Actually, clubbing scene is piss poor considering it's a city with lots of students... That's why I wanted to take a loan and start studying in England. A job M.Sc. in chemistry can afford at the moment (and I hold a B.Sc degree) gives him now like 2,000 PLN with the minimum being 1,500 PLN which is 300£ / 360€ / 470$... Would it be possible to survive for such an amount of money in the UK / any country of the Eurozone / the US? I don't think so. Carrying rubble pays off better in London (50£ a day). So I have to resign myself to the fact I basically lost 3 years and restart it all. But hey, who would want a guy who came from Poland to earn some money and he is about to start studying? A guy who already is in the process of studying sounds better. Women seek stabilization, financial stabilization counts in. Thus I'll be stuck here for another 3.5 years because that's how long getting an engineering degree lasts. BTW my previous university was terrible, chemistry is such a field of study that providing an engineering degree should be a must and they give only bachelor (AFAIK there's no engineering degree in English education system, so it'd be treated equally to bachelor).

Sorry for the off-topic. I should complain elsewhere.
 
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Honestly, I had my best sex with my first girlfriend (was my first time) so I wouldn't expect your friend to be that noticeably bad, if at all. The key is getting the girl warmed up, which doesn't even have to be anything more than passionate kissing, and a bit of rubbing/grinding down there. After a few minutes of that, they will be ripping each-others clothes off, and horny enough that even a beginner will have them cumming rather quickly.

The foreplay really sets the tone of things, so you can tell how to proceed from there. I've had one night stands when I was more experienced, and they weren't even as good as my first few times.

The bottom line is: experience isn't everything.
 
I don't really think the presence or lack of hymen is the only way to figure out if someone is making love for the first time or not. In case of women hymen doesn't have to be present until the first sexual intercourse, it may break before, e.g. as a result of masturbation or wrong usage of tampons, and sometimes it simply doesn't form. Also, bleeding isn't always present during breaking of hymen.

I guess for an experienced person it's possible to figure out that his/her partner is a virgin observing partner's actions. Anyway, it's also not a gold standard, e.g a hint is short duration of sexual intercourse (not controlling sexual arousal) but it may be misleading as a person who isn't a virgin may not last long too and a person who is a virgin may last much longer than some myths suggest (what I read on a lot of forums is something like "you will always suck during your first time so don't even bother").
 
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