First relapse after clean for 19 months. (Methamphetamine)

[06062016]

I have been a lurker for years and I'm going to skip the introduction and details because it's a fucking long ass story. My history with drugs started at 14 with marijuana and alcohol. I was a high functioning stoner until about 21 when I stopped.

Turning 27 this year, I was an IV meth user regularly for 2 years and kept my addiction a secret (really no one except me). In May 2018, I quit using after being very motivated by the birth of my son.
Until about 30 days ago, my dealer suddenly became available again. My cravings was overwhelming and I gave in. I am posting this as a commitment to recovery. As I want to stop using and receive the appropriate help for my addiction by telling the truth. No more secrets. I shared my history with an addiction specialist 2 days ago and now I'm sharing with bluelighters.

So some things at the top of my mind right now;
- I will be attending my first NA meeting in about 3 hours, feeling extremely nervous.
- After talking to the addiction specialist, he BLEW MY MIND when he suspects that I may have ADD/ADHD. I don't know how I may have overlooked the condition as I was growing up. Anyway, I haven't got a official diagnosis but it's scheduled. After spending a day researching on ADD/ADHD, I believe that I am highly likely to have it. That's properly why I loved meth so much as it was therapeutic.
- So how do I confirm that I had ADD/ADHD all my life when I simultaneously have a "substance abuse disorder"?
Was my drug use due to my ADD/ADHD or is my relatively short history with meth causing ADD/ADHD like symptoms? Well... I can't possibly list everything since I was a child... Please let me know what information to provide for an answer to the question.

TLDR; join me on my recovery as a closet drug addict coming out.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Welcome to Bluelight @06062016.

It could be that you were self medicating your ADHD with meth.

That's pretty.. interesting that they would set you up to get checked out for ADHD, because ADHD meds can cause relapse into meth, since they are very similar.

NA is nothing to worry about. Very nice people and feel no pressure to talk if you don't want to. Though it can be cathartic.

 

[NeverHaddaChance]

Welcome! Our stories are oddly similar, so maybe I can help

I too, used meth for around 2 years daily (high functioning until I gave up on myself) and no one in my life knew. I also lurked here for harm reduction information that probably spared me from worse damage in the long term. I stopped using last June, and had a one night lapse in September. Oh, and I also have ADD! I had a diagnosis before (about a year) but found meth on accident trying to buy adderall on craigslist after losing my health insurance. Also 27 lol, think that's it.

One thing that made it harder than anything else to quit was lack of support. Since no one knew about the use, I had no one to talk to and went through more than I should have alone. I still find it hard to talk openly about everything now, which is why I highly recommend seeing a therapist that makes you comfortable. For the money, you get an objective and compassionate listener - which is more than I can say for so many jerks out there that perpetrate stigma. NA can also be great for being able to talk through things and relating to others trying to quit. Please be aware though, that there will likely be court ordered participants that might not take it seriously.... I chose to avoid NA because I am easily influenced, and just couldn't put myself in that situation. The thing is, addiction (I really hate that word, as I feel it is misunderstood in so many ways) is really different, just like people as individuals are very different. What helped me might not help you, so listening to your gut is important.

I found fighting cravings to make everything worse. The only way I found any peace in my head was to just calmly try and accept that my brain wanted it, but that I didn't, and that was okay. Or even just admitting that I wanted it, and that it would pass. My ADD (being female, and a trauma survivor) mainly presents like anxiety. Because I could keep the physical hyperactivity in check (with a constant flow of disorganized thoughts) it was never caught. I had so much potential, I wonder how I would have turned out medicated. I find that when my ADD is properly treated, I don't even want to smoke week or drink. I hope you will find a good med person that will work collaboratively toward some relief, as with substance abuse on your record it becomes harder to work around provider bias.

Sorry, I just had to quit my Vyvance (all I can get with my record) so I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words, and typing them too lol. Just know you can do it. I did it for my daughter, and you can absolutely do this for your son. Good luck!

 

[06062016]

Thanks for the welcome @madness00.

I have always had difficulty facing exam which led me to cleverly cheated in every single paper from 16 years old to 20. However I lost momentum in academics when I took a 2 year gap before starting university. That was when I learnt about smart drugs (amphetamines), which I had no access to. With my avid interest in drugs, I learnt about methamphetamine and how it could benefit my studies if dosed correctly.

Meth is widely available around me, pretty cheap at $160 for 5 grams of great quality stuff (about 5-10% loss after a proper dual solvent recrystalisation).

I gave myself too much credit when I believed I could control the usage as I was very high functioning during daily use of marijuana. So with the hopes of using meth to study for my exams, I made my first purchase of 5g (my guy doesn't deal below that). I think everyone reading this has a pretty good idea what happened after.

My use escalated QUICK, from snorting, to smoking with lightbulbs, to blowing my own pipes, to hot railing. I was destroying my life as meth became my priority. Failed the semester, dropped out, got severely depressed, ignorant that it was meth that did all that. My use escalated even more as it was the only thing helped take the edge of daily living. Very soon after, I started IV use to seek higher highs.

* TO BE CONTINUED

I was supposed to have my meal but sat here instead to write this post. ADD/ADHD? I hope it isn't a self fulfilling prophecy.. Anyway I'm feeling excited to confirm this diagnosis because it would explain so much of the difficulties I faced growing up. And no, I am not seeking to get high on pharmaceutical amphetamines. But rather excited about the idea that there may be some hope.

To everyone following the post or just passing by, thank you for taking the time to support my recovery and I wish you all the best.

C.

 

[06062016]

Thank you for sharing @NeverHaddaChance

Ok now my reaction. OMGWTFBBQ, if this was tinder we probably would have matched lol. I am pretty taken aback by the similarities of us as individuals and our experiences. It feels great to know that I'm not alone and that someone out there can relate to the very complex situation of mine.

I look forward to sharing more and reading about others with similar experiences! I have alot to learn about managing and treating my ADD/ADHD + addiction.

C.

 

[NeverHaddaChance]

@06062016

Right! I even started while taking classes and ended up dropping them at the end. I started after my daughter was 2... I had a difficult time with the guilt that comes with being a "good mom" and had just realized the actual crap of quitting my job to be a stay at homer while I went back to school.... ADD makes those daily tasks really hard after the shiny wears off. Like I would be running around working myself to pieces, but nothing would get finished so it didn't feel worthwhile at all. Meth fixed that, and I became super mom - multiple educational outings a week, everything clean and in order, and all the homework for my 15 credit hours done. The reality of susbtances like meth is so much different than anything I've heard or been taught, but it's what everyone who hasn't tried hard drugs believes. Makes it really nice to find others with such similar circumstances, because few in my "real life" understand at all.

 

[06062016]

I can totally understand the effects on how meth can affect a person with adhd. It was slightly different for me though. Due to the large amounts I had access to, I very quickly blasted through the therapeutic dosing levels. After a few months of use with smoking as the sole ROA, I realised that I was unable to put down the pipe, while not even getting high anymore regardless how much I smoked. After much research on IV meth, I went out to buy a pack of 1ml syringes along with needles ranging from 27 to 31 gauge.. I practiced a few shots with injectable sodium chloride until confident then went on to do 100mg, safely prepared. After experimenting with doses, I found my sweet spot to be around 300mg with a manageable bell ringer.

At the point, I was using meth so heavily, I lost complete function of regular daily life. Soulless, helpless and hopeless.

@NeverHaddaChance is your addiction still a secret? Does your partner know? I'm still going through this shit again all by myself and it is draining the life out of me at the moment... I want people to know. I want to talk to people about it. But I dont have the slightest idea on where to start..

 

[Meth novice 79]

Hey 19 months is a good effort! Well done.
I struggle to make 2.

Best of luck with NA.
Some people love it, live it.
Others have a more sour view.

I say you’ll never know til you try it.

I read the AA book, it was actually really therapeutic. It’s well written.

Then I attended NA with a good friend who’s been with them for 15 years.
Didn’t really like that so much.
But I’m happy to pull apart the bits of the program that work for me and use them.

 

[NeverHaddaChance]

@NeverHaddaChance is your addiction still a secret? Does your partner know? I'm still going through this shit again all by myself and it is draining the life out of me at the moment... I want people to know. I want to talk to people about it. But I dont have the slightest idea on where to start..

More people than I would have like to know, know now... My husband found out, and after agreeing to be there for me (I literally kept going and chose death over telling anyone) he kicked me out, filed bullshit paperwork with the courts, drained my bank account, and tried to leave me with nothing. Not to scare you, but any loved one that wants to know more about what your dealing with is more likely to find information from those rehab sites that are trying their best to drum up business...

Luckily, after 8 days and an almost horrific legal battle, we started to work on things and are mostly okay. Nothing like finding out you have a PFA against you from a super narcisistic mother-in-law on your own front step and being threatened... During this time, she went on a crusade to throw away "all the drugs in the house" but only actually found some Hexen from a long time age, PEA supplement crystals, and a bag of theanine powder! THIS CRAZY BETCH PUT THE BAG WITH MY GEAR UNDER THE BATHROOM SINK WITHOUT OPENING IT! Without using any common sense, nor care in the world about me, they decided to tell so many people that I've ended up having to "apologise" to people who weren't even my friends. My own friends threw me under the bus over their own bias... That's why I strongly caution to only tell hide-the-body friends that you trust with your life.

Child protective services (worked for them in the past doing data, and nearly been on the other side) are absolutely terrible to drug users. If you are with the other parent I would be very careful... While I wish I had been honest with mine, it's definitely changed everything. I still see a glimmer of horor when I mention drugs of any kind. The only way I feel safe in my own home is having back up funds and a plan in place in case he tries to screw me over again.

At the end I was smoking too, and I think that really did me in... My tolerance went through the roof and I started having to go to the ER for various electolyte imbalances, tetany, and vascular collapse. I don't know if I was more angry with the bias from my own family or the medical professionals who lacked any sense of compassion. I'm really glad needles freak me out. Like it takes 20 minutes for me to check blood sugar because I just can't poke myself. IV would have probably killed me :/

Even if there are some people you find you can't reach out to, you should make sure to find connection in the group you are planning on attending or at the least with a therapist you trust. No one should have to do this alone

I could probably go on forever... Between the lack of dopamine and cough meds (yay flu) I don't know if this is helpful or even makes sense.

 

[06062016]

@NeverHaddaChance sorry to hear that happened to you. It really must have sucked. I guess I should reveal this selectively to those I can fully trust.

Well I'm currently having a hard time with the withdrawal and cravings. The depression is setting in as well. All I can think about now is mixing up a nice bell ringer. I feel overwhelmed that I'm unable to function, coupled together with diminishing interest of my recovery. I sense danger..

 

[TracyTracy]

Hi there. Wow, don’t we all know how you feel right now. But it’s all so normal rigiht ! What comes up must come down! Ya the longer to drag this on the worst it will get. I am totally out of dopamine. Miserable most of the time, hurting in my elbow from doing something to it, but too high to take care of myself and see a doctor right now. I am panicking a lot, picking at myself, tweaking out on worthless shit that gets me no where with what I need to be doing, and I get stuck on that tweak and can’t control my behavior or take a solid break , not eating don’t want to but have to force myself and it annoys me to do so. Like it takes too much time awah from my worthless tweak episode. It’s sucks. Go with the down and stop. I always thought I had add too but my doctor wouldn’t even consider talking to me about meds bwcause he knows I am an attic. I have only been using for a month and I have all these symptoms back again like my addiction never stopped. It sucks. Get clean man! I am stopping Monday ! And I can’t officially wait !

 

[06062016]

Hi @TracyTracy, I have gone through every single thing you mentioned in 2016 when I first got involved with methamphetamine. I wouldn't know how difficult it is to stop since it has only been a month for you. In my personal experience, you'll tend to identify behaviours that are induced by the drug and find a way around them in order to somewhat continue with daily life. You will be able to get past most in order to function but that is where the nightmare truly begins. When you are able to blend in your use into daily life, you stop finding reasons to quit as you become a somewhat functioning user.

As you form a huge dependency and tolerance, you no longer get high from current usage. Typically, it leads to increasing dosage and frequency, and seeking new ROAs in order to achieve higher highs. The end of the road for me was when I was injecting 300mg every other day, barely getting high. There was nothing else to do but increase the dosage as I was already using the most potent ROA. Once, I mixed a crazy thick shot of 600mg shot diluted into 50 units of water in a 1ml syringe. Immediately after administration, I was absolutely spun with monkeys banging on symbols in my ear and blacked out. About 15 mins later, I noticed the needle still in my arm with a trail of dried blood down to my hands. I had a difficult time taking it out as my vision was blurred and had the shakes but luckily still managed to extract the point.

With sharing my experience, I hope I have painted a good idea of what prolonged use of meth can lead to. It was my life and the only thing I cared about. The highs I achieved? No, it was absolurely not worth it. I wish you all the best in seeking the help that you need to stop before it really gets out of hand. You deserve it.

C.

 

[TracyTracy]

Thanks yes I have been using on and off for 20 years. Taking years in between but last couple years using every 3 months or so. Thanks for the sharing and encouragement!

 

[06062016]

@TracyTracy Oh right I must have misread as I thought you only started using a month ago. Well thanks for clearing that up.

Shit, 20 years is a long time to be going on and off it must be a hell of a roller coaster ride for you. Addiction is one thing I'd never wish upon anyone. Thanks for being a part of my recovery. Do update back here on how it goes for you when Monday comes! Hopefully I'll be able to keep my shit together until then.

C.

 

[NeverHaddaChance]

@06062016

That's the worst part... But remember, you've beat this before and you CAN beat it again! Sometimes I find a nice indica to do the trick with taking my mind off of cravings. Don't be ashamed if you need to use some benzos to get through this point. My shrink tells me that a responsible bandaid is one that temporarily gets us through without reverting to old, more harmful temporary relief. The trick is not letting those bandaids take over your life

Just do your best to practice what the shrinks like to call "radical acceptance", as it can really help to deteach from distressing emotions fueled by things out of your control.

For instance, we're a mortgage payment behind and I get hate mail each month. Rather than ruminating on all the times I resent my husband for selfishly spending so much on booze and games, freaking out because there's still no way I can make it up this month, or beating myself down for letting things get this bad - I just accept that I'm doing what I can, life sucks, and until next month's angry letter there is little I can do to fix it. Much, muuuuch better than spiraling deeper into depression and self hatred. Does it fix the problem? Nope! But it makes surviving until I can fix it bearable.

Plasticity, in my opinion, is uncomfortable and downright awful. But through the cravings and discomfort your brain is going to be able to acknowledge and correct the chemical deficits created by being high. You have a good level of insight into your use, have you thought about replacing the needle fixation with injecting bacteriostatic water? I can't remember who... but one of the long time BLers in the dark side used this trick to ease the seperation of a long term IV habit.

You are taking huge steps, please don't give in and start over. I can tell you it becomes less and less worth the relapse, might as well keep the good memories.

 

[TracyTracy]

@TracyTracy Oh right I must have misread as I thought you only started using a month ago. Well thanks for clearing that up.

Shit, 20 years is a long time to be going on and off it must be a hell of a roller coaster ride for you. Addiction is one thing I'd never wish upon anyone. Thanks for being a part of my recovery. Do update back here on how it goes for you when Monday comes! Hopefully I'll be able to keep my shit together until then.

C.

You can do it!! We both can! And I will. Where you from ? I am in San Diego

 

[06062016]

As I am now equipped with knowledge on ADHD, I seem to be much more aware of the symptoms CONSTANTLY causing dysfunction in my daily life. Could it be self-fulfilling? I am sick of having diagnoses being thrown around based on symptoms as many mental disorders have overlapping symptoms. I believe the key is to be able to diagnose the ROOT condition then identify how it may have caused symptoms of other disorders.

I have not been truthful to the professionals in the past, likely causing misdiagnosis. But I am really hoping I get an accurate diagnosis for ADHD and that treatment would be effective.

I'm sick of my lousy fucking memory, the lack of focus, the tendency to become disinterested when something which was exciting, suddenly becomes mundane, the inability to retrieve information from a junkyard brain of mine, the fact that I have 100,000,000,000 things I have in my mental to-do list with no sense of priority, the fact that I'm having trouble typing this fucking list when it seems easy if I could only access the information, my extremely disorganized computer with files named "New Folder(x)", Text.txt(x), Image.jpg(x), etc". FUCK. IT FELT OK TO BE LIKE THIS BUT NOW THAT I'M AWARE IT'S A DISORDER, I FEEL LIKE I WAS CHEATED, ROBBED, LIED TO AS I CAN NOW IDENTIFY HOW MUCH SHIT ADHD HAS BROUGHT UPON ME MY WHOLE LIFE. IF ONLY IT WAS IDENTIFIED EARLY AND TREATED, MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS FUCKING PAINFUL METH WITHDRAWAL. END OF RANT

 

[TracyTracy]

My friend that is the devil in your brain wanting you be resentful so you will use. Don’t fall for those trips

 

[96intheshade]

Sorry late reply,
How're you doing with recovery?
I've always suspected I had adhd, and now after alot of research, and going through addiction I'm definitely convinced. What's odd is that when I was younger and knew kids with ADHD not able to sit still I thought that wasn't me, but looking back on it I controlled through interest in the subjects, but hardly ever completed the school work lol.
My question is, as you get older it seems ADHD causes piling up of regret and failures, missed opportunities in work and social life due to rapid thoughts and erratic actions etc..if you've experienced this how do you cope with feelings off regret and anger causing you cravings?

Sorry kinda random question but I'd appreciate any response, thanks guys

 

[Jabberwocky]

My question is, as you get older it seems ADHD causes piling up of regret and failures, missed opportunities in work and social life due to rapid thoughts and erratic actions etc..if you've experienced this how do you cope with feelings off regret and anger causing you cravings?

I don’t think it’s ever to late to get on top of you life, turn things around, and find a degree of peace and happiness.

My life was a litany of regrets and failure caused by very erratic behaviour as I swung from high motivation to abject disappointment in all areas especially work and relationships.

In my 40s, after getting fired from senior roles twice in two years I picked up an IV coke habit and then an Iv meth habit last lasted well over two years and was all consuming.

I tried NA and rehab with some success. But what really changed my life was getting a diagnosis for ADHD and scripted meds including dexamfetamine and a low dose anti-psychotic. My doctor was firmly of the view that my stimulant abuse was self-medicating and a symptom of ADHD (as stqted in DSM-v).

Anyway, following that I had 5 drug free years, almost never drank, had a very wonderful loving relationship for 4 years, and did a Masters degree where I scored 1st place on my cohort. For the first time in my whole life things were not an endless struggle to keep my head above water and feel normal.

To be perfectly honest, I did go back to taking drugs after 5 years, but for different reasons. However, I do now know exactly what my problems are and how to treat them should I decide I want to participate productively in society again.