Well I have had a ton of sites of all kinds in the past like 12 years and I always got bored and kept changing them. But I used to post and read on Bluelight years ago. I kinda forgot about it until recently. I used to have a different username, which I still wanted but I forgot the password and email address for it so I started over.
Anyway, I'll just start where I am now. It's almost sunrise, I've been up all night, not intentionally... but my ex bfriend gave me some extra meth he had and, being the speedy type girl that I am, I thanked him and took it. He gave me about enough to last a normal person for 5 minutes. But since I am SUPPOSED to be on the wagon, my tolerance is low. I'm trying to make the stuff last a few days. I have been trying to score some of my own, against the face of my group therapies I have to attend (court ordered...) and my social worker and psychiatrist appointments... Honestly, I am totally fucking vain and due to some dumbass doctor who prescribed a major anti-psychotic for me when I was in jail last year (another story) I gained 40 LBS in 3.5 months from this particular medication. Now, I made much of my living as a model, actress, singer. I'm not a runway model, but I am USUALLY quite slim naturally. I just got ultra stuck-up a few years ago and started speed to make sure I wouldn't gain weight as I was gogo dancing for awhile. I honestly don't LIKE the feeling of speed. I get a panic attack the second I sniff it. I have to have a Klonopin or Valium to take right after I do a bump... but anyway...
So here I am, while most people i know are getting up to go to work and take their kids to school, while I'm living at home with ma and pa again after 10 yrs totally independent. Waiting for disability $ to come in due to a pretty bad back injury I have from a car wreck years ago, which was not my fault... I'm not really tweaking. I'm just awake.
And the past year, I was sent to jail for something stupid I did while I was high and drunk, but the jail folks thought I was mentally ill. No, I was withdrawing from a TON of Xanax I'd been on for years, and withdrawing from meth. But I was placed on powerful antipsychotics and put in the psych ward of the LA County Womens Jail for 3 months. Then sent to a couple live-in dual-diagnosis rehab programs for another 8 months. I was literally living under a rock for the past year. It's been over 4 months and I am JUST starting to lift my head up. it's hard.
I dunno if anyone's gonna read this but I kinda like writing it. Much better than the many messy notebooks I'd scribble in when high in the past, lunatic writings that I've practically burned since I found them again. Very embarrassing. So here, a little better!
I'm so stupid and vain, as I've said. I constantly CONSTANTLY OBSESS on losing the weight I gained while I was gone. I HATE mirrors, photos of me, whether new OR old, cuz the old ones make me sad that I am not looking like that anymore and the new pics just make me look like a fat cow. I've NEVER had such bad self image and I give up, I know meth will make me lose the weight, at least get me started on getting some of it off (nothing ELSE is working, and I know ALL about working out, diet, etc. I mean, I was practically anorexic anyway.) So I give up, I'm going back to meth but (and I know everyone says this) I can hold my drugs and I am strictly limiting how I am going to do this... I just can't wake up every morning feeling fat and ugly and worthless and fatigued and all that. And honestly I don't want to try other ways to fix this, at least not now! I've decided.
My real drug of choice (other than benzos, which I actually need, but then I end up abusing them if I am not careful) is E. Well, E and GHB or GBL together. I'll never say a bad thing about E/E+G because in ALL my many experiences with them, I never had such a great time, with friends, boyfriends, strangers, even my dogs. Nothing beats it. But I like to save that for celebration times, and I have not felt there was much to celebrate lately.
So I'm sobering up. The sun is coming up. I'm still in my parents' house where I must abide by a ton of contracted rules they made before I left the rehab programs, terms I have to follow if I want to stay here with low-rent. My credit score is shot so bad due to my stupidity in trying to help support a couple deadbeat boyfriends who of course never paid me back, and my personal/legal issues also could hinder my getting good work. I've WORKED. I've worked in SO many different areas. But I sorta sabotaged myself. I've done things that can or will negatively affect future jobs, future friendships, future relationships, very much so. I'm hard on myself, maybe too much. People are so judgmental though, even though they know they are sure as shit not perfect.
Well I'm off to read some other people's stuff...
Anyway, I'll just start where I am now. It's almost sunrise, I've been up all night, not intentionally... but my ex bfriend gave me some extra meth he had and, being the speedy type girl that I am, I thanked him and took it. He gave me about enough to last a normal person for 5 minutes. But since I am SUPPOSED to be on the wagon, my tolerance is low. I'm trying to make the stuff last a few days. I have been trying to score some of my own, against the face of my group therapies I have to attend (court ordered...) and my social worker and psychiatrist appointments... Honestly, I am totally fucking vain and due to some dumbass doctor who prescribed a major anti-psychotic for me when I was in jail last year (another story) I gained 40 LBS in 3.5 months from this particular medication. Now, I made much of my living as a model, actress, singer. I'm not a runway model, but I am USUALLY quite slim naturally. I just got ultra stuck-up a few years ago and started speed to make sure I wouldn't gain weight as I was gogo dancing for awhile. I honestly don't LIKE the feeling of speed. I get a panic attack the second I sniff it. I have to have a Klonopin or Valium to take right after I do a bump... but anyway...
So here I am, while most people i know are getting up to go to work and take their kids to school, while I'm living at home with ma and pa again after 10 yrs totally independent. Waiting for disability $ to come in due to a pretty bad back injury I have from a car wreck years ago, which was not my fault... I'm not really tweaking. I'm just awake.
And the past year, I was sent to jail for something stupid I did while I was high and drunk, but the jail folks thought I was mentally ill. No, I was withdrawing from a TON of Xanax I'd been on for years, and withdrawing from meth. But I was placed on powerful antipsychotics and put in the psych ward of the LA County Womens Jail for 3 months. Then sent to a couple live-in dual-diagnosis rehab programs for another 8 months. I was literally living under a rock for the past year. It's been over 4 months and I am JUST starting to lift my head up. it's hard.
I dunno if anyone's gonna read this but I kinda like writing it. Much better than the many messy notebooks I'd scribble in when high in the past, lunatic writings that I've practically burned since I found them again. Very embarrassing. So here, a little better!
I'm so stupid and vain, as I've said. I constantly CONSTANTLY OBSESS on losing the weight I gained while I was gone. I HATE mirrors, photos of me, whether new OR old, cuz the old ones make me sad that I am not looking like that anymore and the new pics just make me look like a fat cow. I've NEVER had such bad self image and I give up, I know meth will make me lose the weight, at least get me started on getting some of it off (nothing ELSE is working, and I know ALL about working out, diet, etc. I mean, I was practically anorexic anyway.) So I give up, I'm going back to meth but (and I know everyone says this) I can hold my drugs and I am strictly limiting how I am going to do this... I just can't wake up every morning feeling fat and ugly and worthless and fatigued and all that. And honestly I don't want to try other ways to fix this, at least not now! I've decided.
My real drug of choice (other than benzos, which I actually need, but then I end up abusing them if I am not careful) is E. Well, E and GHB or GBL together. I'll never say a bad thing about E/E+G because in ALL my many experiences with them, I never had such a great time, with friends, boyfriends, strangers, even my dogs. Nothing beats it. But I like to save that for celebration times, and I have not felt there was much to celebrate lately.
So I'm sobering up. The sun is coming up. I'm still in my parents' house where I must abide by a ton of contracted rules they made before I left the rehab programs, terms I have to follow if I want to stay here with low-rent. My credit score is shot so bad due to my stupidity in trying to help support a couple deadbeat boyfriends who of course never paid me back, and my personal/legal issues also could hinder my getting good work. I've WORKED. I've worked in SO many different areas. But I sorta sabotaged myself. I've done things that can or will negatively affect future jobs, future friendships, future relationships, very much so. I'm hard on myself, maybe too much. People are so judgmental though, even though they know they are sure as shit not perfect.
Well I'm off to read some other people's stuff...
