First post here, sorry it's a negative one about the sewer that is reality.

[PoeticInjustice]

It's kind of hard to be sober when you realize how empty life is when you're impoverished and your family hates you for it. Or that you're bipolar and because of that, you ended up in a psych ward, and your father essentially disowned you. Doesn't matter that you got yourself into college, and then back into college after you medically withdrew from college because you were almost killed by some shit for brains frat kids (wasn't pledging), ended up in a homeless shelter/halfway house/whatever you wanna call it, and somehow made it back into a better college the following year. All that matters is that I have a hard time supporting myself and am looked down upon because of that, my lifestyle and previous behaviors. What about if I had gotten the support I needed to be the first university graduate in my family? Would my GPA have not tanked upon my transfer? Would awesome jobs with coveted employers be lined up just waiting to hire me? Would I not have found the need to use prescription speed as a performance enhancing, GPA boosting drug, because I lacked the confidence in my own abilities from Day 1? Is it all my fault I have serious issues today if, before any drug use, I was seriously considering suicide after high school graduation because I hated my living situation that much? Truth is, I hate my fucking parents, they're dicks in their respective ways. Or maybe I'm just an asshole. Either way, I learned it from somebody. I find that sober life, for me, is straight shit. I never much enjoyed life, even as a kid. The other kids used to fuck with me because I was strange, quiet as fuck (couldn't relate to anyone my age), that is until I threatened to bash a kid's head open with a chair in front of the biology class and choked some kid for slapping my stack of books out of my hand. That put the fear of god in them. I feel that if I wasn't so poor, and had just enough to afford my own transportation, and not have to worry about making my rent every month because of unstable employment, and had just a little extra to save every month, I could start building a life. Now that I'm unemployed again of no fault of my own, I have no reason to leave my home, besides the anxieties I need to face that keep me from getting out of bed in the first place. Nothing happy or positive to look forward to. What exactly is the point of struggling, if you're struggling for little more than to keep yourself going another day? You can say I have friends and family, but I rarely hear from them or see them. I don't have any control over my own life. And it doesn't have much to do with being on drugs or being drunk all the time at this point, because I haven't been for a while until this past week. It just comes down to being fucking poor. So if I have nothing better to look forward to on a daily basis, why not get fucking high on speed if I'm getting it for free from my doctor anyway? It helps me write great poetry, two pieces of which I just submitted to the Poetry Foundation. This is high me, greetings bluelight, I've been a long time lurker of your forums. Do people even use SWIM anymore on here? Always thought that was pointless. P.S. If you're curious, I study Biochemistry in college + Business minor.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Wlecomeseems like a lot of us your life has reached a re run point..days are the same long nights,need an escape.you battle in your mind the WHY ME?and you think you have dreams goals potential why is life giving you such a tough load?well I'm 29(sober 2 yrs codeine benzos,used for 7 yrs)I have a depro life,I'm broke as a motherfucker can be,can't even buy ciggarettes at most times.I refuse to use anti depressants,mood enhancers etc because I know it will lead to abuse.I learned the mind is a powerful tool,and to use it to my advantage,little to no friends no fam I rely on myself my future and my children..I want a better life and hell will freeze over before I leave this one without enjoying it the right way.I meditate do yoga and I work towards my goals,thinking or dreaming won't magically make the real.its hard some days it feels I'm grasping at straws and happiness was not meant for me,BUT this little soldier refuses to giv e up.I was born for a reason and I will be fucking stupid to have come this far to give up,yes maybe I'm insane maybe I'm delusional but I have hope..I know what I want each day I fight and do things that scare me and is hard..pleading for job,applying for loans,trying to get back in school atleast I'm trying and as long as I can I will fight not just for me but for my kids..take a first step everyday when you look back you'll see how far you came

 

[PoeticInjustice]

I guess I should say that the reason I feel this way is because I know what it feels like when I do have my shit together. I have no need for intoxicants because I'm already happy. But THAT shit never lasts long. And I can't even afford yoga classes hahaha. I want to take singing lessons, that was my goal for this summer, plan fell through (again), not gonna happen most likely. At least you have kids, if I had that maybe I'd feel different, but part of me says you have nobody depending on you or REALLY caring about you, so why not quit now while I'm ahead? Plus, if nobody values me enough to care about me when I've got nothing, why the fuck should I care about anybody that does when I do have something to show for myself? My first impulse is fuck them, I can't value their relationships.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

LoL I have a yoga instructed pirated dvd its all about how badly u want to do something,I don't care if people love or care about me,I love myself and I care for myself..I have ambitions and goals and dreams.Yes it feels I'm never going to reach them but its a mindset(negative)its cheesy but it starts with you.stand up open the windows get fresh air block out those depro thoughts replace them with positive ones,sing write songs talk to people who know what your going through,no one understood me,my pain etc that's why I ended up here,it helped a lot talking to fellow BL users.not everyones going to say what you want to hear but in the end maybe its just what you needed.

 

[manboychef]

You do have someone depending on you. You!

Yes the world is full of existential turmoil, yes social and financial mobility are a hell of a lot harder now than ever before. Yes there are limited resources available, and seeing a psychiatrist or therapist may be financially hard to reach even with insurance but in the end the work is on you.

I had the same worldview for a long time. I grew up in an abusive, poor household (or I thought we were poor, but it turns out my parents just wouldn't help my brother and I). I had a deceitful ex that constantly lied, cheated, and stole, call the cops on me when I broke up with her, and then took my kid in the middle of the night. I don't get to see or talk to him, but when I work I get a substantial chunk of my paycheck taken. These things have ground me into the ground in the past, and made my life unmanageable. What changed my mind was waking up everyday and writing something in my journal that I am grateful for. It could even be as small as I heard a bird chirp today and it made me smile. It can also be as big as I was a benzo, cocaine, and heroin addict for many years and I am still on the right side of the sod. Basically, what I am saying is you need to make small changes that you can in order to get better. It is a hard process, and there will be setbacks sometimes, but in the end the work you put in will effect your bottom line.

I am here for you. PM me if you need and I can give you some ideas that will help you be happier and more fulfilled.

 

[herbavore]

We didn't have the finances to help my son with college so he paid for it himself. He looks at it as having gotten two educations concurrently as opposed to his more financially comfortable friends who only got one.

You've taken the lack of emotional understanding and support from your family and let it settle inside into a dark pool of rage and blame and that is what, more than anything else, is going to hold you back from reaching your full potential. Look at it this way: you always have a choice in what lesson to extract from the inevitable horrors life will throw you (and don't delude yourself that everyone does not share in that fate one way or another).

You say that because you were disrespected and left to fend for yourself when you had nothing that you will learn from that how to treat other people when you achieve your goals and do have something? And what you are taking from that is to be the same asshole to someone else that your family was to you? Don't get me wrong, I can understand the rage and the despair as emotions--makes perfect sense to me that after a life of being bullied for being different you would feel these things. What I am trying to say is that its what you do with these emotions is going to either help you or harm you. Emotions are pure. They are authentic human responses. But the minute we start encasing them in our thoughts about them--and confusing feeling and narrative about feeling--is the moment we get in trouble.

You've got a good ally in life and that is your ability to write. Keep writing. As the author Cisneros said, "Write into the rant, through the rant into the light."

Being poor is demoralizing, true. I've been there and am not there now so I do know the experience from living it. But be careful about getting stuck in blame. Just keep making small steps to create the life you want, the one that fits your soul not the one that the societal or family norms dictate. It takes incredible courage to create your own inner life that is strong enough to withstand circumstances that are beyond your control, but it is worth the effort. Every choice you make blots out whole other paths but opens up new ones. Take ownership of your choices--everything from what you put into your body to how you choose to perceive a given situation. You have zero control over the world outside. Zero. But you have 100% control of what happens in your mind in response. I am a flawed and weak person so I'm not holding up perfection as something even attainable. I'm proposing that the struggle to continually point our own inner compass to compassion for the self and others is what makes life more than bearable, it makes life meaningful and fulfilling. One way or another life is short.