Drink_Tea_Love_Cat
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 25, 2016
- Messages
- 167
EDIT: I'm tweaking the post a bit here and there over time.
Hello everyone, first post here, thanks for having me.
So, I have a load I want to contribute to the forum and I am really looking forward to it. I've found this place a major help over the years and I feel like I have quite a few experiences, ideas and knowledge to share that might be helpful. I also want to log an upcoming detox, for my own mental health, for advice, and to share the ideas in case they are useful for others.
To start with though, a little story of my current low that may serve as a warning to others, and an important little wake up for me. I kind of decided to get a couple treats in the post over Christmas. I went through the sort of "I'm quitting soon so will only ever try this once (probably), and may never have the chance to try again" type justification process. Mostly just wanted to get high and to satisfy my curiosity on a couple substances. I was buying some drugs to help with a detox plan, so bought a few extra "treats"...
So, I decided to try crack for the first time ever on Christmas day. I even specifically turned down 2 different family/friend offers just to have this experience. I did have a traditional Christmas eve affair, as that's what we do in my family, and I guess I more wanted to be alone on Christmas Day than necessarily take the crack, that just happened to be what I decided to in that time about 24 hours before.
I went out the back of the garden, very paranoid about neighbours spotting me, and popped a couple of tiny crack rocks in the pipe. I lit them up, they turned to liquid, and a large amount of smoke was generated so I used my old (ex)stoners lungs to really toke it up and hold it in as I didn't want to waste it, it seemed like a lot of smoke.......
oops
KABOOM ..... words can't exactly describe what happened in that moment. It was simultaneously the most horribly scary and shockingly euphoric moment of my life. It was terrifying. I don't know if anyone has ever tried Salvia before but there was an epiphany moment in the mix that was kind of like a strong dose of that in some ways. Those 2 rocks were way way more than I could handle, (even though they were tiny!). I had done coke before, and was not expecting something like that.
I then actually fell to the floor, holding the wall to get me down, and sat cross legged and panicky. I checked my heart rate, started scouring the treeline to make sure noone had seen me (paranoia reflex), started breathing deeply, very close to hyper ventilating, and then just started praying, pleading to someone, something to make sure this wasn't going to be a heart attack moment. That this wasn't going to kill me. Let me say now, to those hardcore crackheads, this was more than just a psychological reaction, it felt really fucking dangerous. I was so overwhelmed, I just kept saying in my head "I will learn, I will do good, I will lead a good life, I will teach etc" Like - please don't take my life now, I will make it worthy. I'm not a Christian, but I kind of sometimes imagine there's a god of some sort, I wouldn't know so I don't assume.... but in that moment I was praying for my life. I can tell you, I've done a real range of drugs before, and those few seconds were ridiculous in comparison to anything else I'd ever experienced.
The key point, before ANYTHING else, before I even hit the ground, the very first thought I had was - "this is AMAZING, I'd love to do this again, no wonder people get addicted, AWESOME"... "WOW!!" that was just in the split second before I realised I was basically going over the edge. There's that whole thing where us drug takers laugh at the non drug takers or the anti drug campaigns who say things like "you can get hooked on only one hit", or "one hit and your life is over, you'll sell your soul for a bong hit". On this occasion, for me, they were right. That shit was as bad (good) as they said it was.
Once I calmed down, I shakingly googled "crack dosage, OD and side effects" in my phone just to start checking my options, as well as pre dialling the emergency service just in case. Eventually the shock wore off, the worst effects wore off, I kept the breathing going, and after a while, I staggered up to my house, had a lie down for a bit. Later I went for a walk. I was exhausted, it was a real adrenaline/shock drain feeling.
But of course, after much deliberation.... Then I went and put some more (extremely tiny rocks of) crack back in the pipe and this time mixed it with H - like a true genius... the hardest part was stopping before I finished the bag, that may have been the real heart attack, who knows.
I know this may not look like it yet. But I'm on here to start a new positive story, I think I'm near psychologically ready to make all the changes I need to, I just justified this little "one last little binge on a few things" type plan I did only buy 0.x size amounts of these things. The whole point is that long term, I want to have a life that is a great story, the kind of "he was broken, he fixed himself up and now he's a success, what a great and interesting guy" - THAT is my higher power or my motivation, or whatever you want to call it. I guess I thought starting from a low point would make a good story, and be a good motivation.
But picture this. Imagine the story of the guy who killed himself on Christmas day, smoking crack for the first time, alone, in his family home for them to find... After the flashes of euphoria and panic, and in the middle of the praying, I thought about my family. Not exactly a euphoria moment to be desired.
So this is the low from which to climb. I hope I can do it justice and show it can be done. I'm not here to do a whole 12 step program or anything, and I certainly don't demonise drugs. But my mental health has been terrible for a few years due to some toxic drug experiences, and I do have a physical and psychological addiction to kratom (which is worse than many assume, I can assure you... the debate about kratom is kind of ridiculous IMO as all substances are relative and subjective - ie, I once met a girl who smoked a bit of a joint, and it triggered long term schizophrenia). Kratom has been the only thing stopping me killing myself while suffering from SAD, so it's been a useful tool. But it's been getting out of control, and I just don't like being at the mercy of a substance that could possibly leave long term damage and PAWS.
Thanks for having me on the forum. The next story will be the meth and amphetamines story... it's almost as bad, but a bit funnier, (I know that it's not really a funny substance, but sometimes you can either laugh or cry - I'd rather laugh at myself tbh) Ultimately with my time here I will attempt to be productive and proactive beyond laughing at myself, and most importantly will start a detox log to try get off the kratom smoothly. I'm optmistic about the method, and I have a therapist who's a veteran addict counselor and in "recovery".
Feel free to criticise and let me know if this is a story worth telling etc. I did a stint in rehab about 15 years ago, and "war stories" often aren't half as dramatic or cool as you think they are. I just hope this can be kind of a warning, to start very very slow with crack in particular, as a long time user of many other things, I was very surprised.
PS - I hope I'm not breaking any rules on this post. e.g. I hope there is no glamorising. I just want to share the thought processes that can get me, or others into trouble. To be brutally honest so I can critique it and confront it when it sounds as ridiculous as it is.
PPS - the rest of the crack is still sitting at home. It's ready for a ritual throwing in the garbage ceremony of some sort, but obviously the test is just sitting there, to fight the urge. I feel strong deciding not to take it.
PPPS - I think I started writing some of this post like an NA or AA type angle. Tried to edit that out a bit. Just for the record I don't follow that philosophy, and I'm on here for an open discussion not the "drugs are evil" all or nothing type approach. Drugs are tools, don't cut yourself.
PPPPS - maybe I went a bit waffly? let me know
can do shorter next time.
Hello everyone, first post here, thanks for having me.
So, I have a load I want to contribute to the forum and I am really looking forward to it. I've found this place a major help over the years and I feel like I have quite a few experiences, ideas and knowledge to share that might be helpful. I also want to log an upcoming detox, for my own mental health, for advice, and to share the ideas in case they are useful for others.
To start with though, a little story of my current low that may serve as a warning to others, and an important little wake up for me. I kind of decided to get a couple treats in the post over Christmas. I went through the sort of "I'm quitting soon so will only ever try this once (probably), and may never have the chance to try again" type justification process. Mostly just wanted to get high and to satisfy my curiosity on a couple substances. I was buying some drugs to help with a detox plan, so bought a few extra "treats"...
So, I decided to try crack for the first time ever on Christmas day. I even specifically turned down 2 different family/friend offers just to have this experience. I did have a traditional Christmas eve affair, as that's what we do in my family, and I guess I more wanted to be alone on Christmas Day than necessarily take the crack, that just happened to be what I decided to in that time about 24 hours before.
I went out the back of the garden, very paranoid about neighbours spotting me, and popped a couple of tiny crack rocks in the pipe. I lit them up, they turned to liquid, and a large amount of smoke was generated so I used my old (ex)stoners lungs to really toke it up and hold it in as I didn't want to waste it, it seemed like a lot of smoke.......
oops
KABOOM ..... words can't exactly describe what happened in that moment. It was simultaneously the most horribly scary and shockingly euphoric moment of my life. It was terrifying. I don't know if anyone has ever tried Salvia before but there was an epiphany moment in the mix that was kind of like a strong dose of that in some ways. Those 2 rocks were way way more than I could handle, (even though they were tiny!). I had done coke before, and was not expecting something like that.
I then actually fell to the floor, holding the wall to get me down, and sat cross legged and panicky. I checked my heart rate, started scouring the treeline to make sure noone had seen me (paranoia reflex), started breathing deeply, very close to hyper ventilating, and then just started praying, pleading to someone, something to make sure this wasn't going to be a heart attack moment. That this wasn't going to kill me. Let me say now, to those hardcore crackheads, this was more than just a psychological reaction, it felt really fucking dangerous. I was so overwhelmed, I just kept saying in my head "I will learn, I will do good, I will lead a good life, I will teach etc" Like - please don't take my life now, I will make it worthy. I'm not a Christian, but I kind of sometimes imagine there's a god of some sort, I wouldn't know so I don't assume.... but in that moment I was praying for my life. I can tell you, I've done a real range of drugs before, and those few seconds were ridiculous in comparison to anything else I'd ever experienced.
The key point, before ANYTHING else, before I even hit the ground, the very first thought I had was - "this is AMAZING, I'd love to do this again, no wonder people get addicted, AWESOME"... "WOW!!" that was just in the split second before I realised I was basically going over the edge. There's that whole thing where us drug takers laugh at the non drug takers or the anti drug campaigns who say things like "you can get hooked on only one hit", or "one hit and your life is over, you'll sell your soul for a bong hit". On this occasion, for me, they were right. That shit was as bad (good) as they said it was.
Once I calmed down, I shakingly googled "crack dosage, OD and side effects" in my phone just to start checking my options, as well as pre dialling the emergency service just in case. Eventually the shock wore off, the worst effects wore off, I kept the breathing going, and after a while, I staggered up to my house, had a lie down for a bit. Later I went for a walk. I was exhausted, it was a real adrenaline/shock drain feeling.
But of course, after much deliberation.... Then I went and put some more (extremely tiny rocks of) crack back in the pipe and this time mixed it with H - like a true genius... the hardest part was stopping before I finished the bag, that may have been the real heart attack, who knows.
I know this may not look like it yet. But I'm on here to start a new positive story, I think I'm near psychologically ready to make all the changes I need to, I just justified this little "one last little binge on a few things" type plan I did only buy 0.x size amounts of these things. The whole point is that long term, I want to have a life that is a great story, the kind of "he was broken, he fixed himself up and now he's a success, what a great and interesting guy" - THAT is my higher power or my motivation, or whatever you want to call it. I guess I thought starting from a low point would make a good story, and be a good motivation.
But picture this. Imagine the story of the guy who killed himself on Christmas day, smoking crack for the first time, alone, in his family home for them to find... After the flashes of euphoria and panic, and in the middle of the praying, I thought about my family. Not exactly a euphoria moment to be desired.
So this is the low from which to climb. I hope I can do it justice and show it can be done. I'm not here to do a whole 12 step program or anything, and I certainly don't demonise drugs. But my mental health has been terrible for a few years due to some toxic drug experiences, and I do have a physical and psychological addiction to kratom (which is worse than many assume, I can assure you... the debate about kratom is kind of ridiculous IMO as all substances are relative and subjective - ie, I once met a girl who smoked a bit of a joint, and it triggered long term schizophrenia). Kratom has been the only thing stopping me killing myself while suffering from SAD, so it's been a useful tool. But it's been getting out of control, and I just don't like being at the mercy of a substance that could possibly leave long term damage and PAWS.
Thanks for having me on the forum. The next story will be the meth and amphetamines story... it's almost as bad, but a bit funnier, (I know that it's not really a funny substance, but sometimes you can either laugh or cry - I'd rather laugh at myself tbh) Ultimately with my time here I will attempt to be productive and proactive beyond laughing at myself, and most importantly will start a detox log to try get off the kratom smoothly. I'm optmistic about the method, and I have a therapist who's a veteran addict counselor and in "recovery".
Feel free to criticise and let me know if this is a story worth telling etc. I did a stint in rehab about 15 years ago, and "war stories" often aren't half as dramatic or cool as you think they are. I just hope this can be kind of a warning, to start very very slow with crack in particular, as a long time user of many other things, I was very surprised.
PS - I hope I'm not breaking any rules on this post. e.g. I hope there is no glamorising. I just want to share the thought processes that can get me, or others into trouble. To be brutally honest so I can critique it and confront it when it sounds as ridiculous as it is.
PPS - the rest of the crack is still sitting at home. It's ready for a ritual throwing in the garbage ceremony of some sort, but obviously the test is just sitting there, to fight the urge. I feel strong deciding not to take it.
PPPS - I think I started writing some of this post like an NA or AA type angle. Tried to edit that out a bit. Just for the record I don't follow that philosophy, and I'm on here for an open discussion not the "drugs are evil" all or nothing type approach. Drugs are tools, don't cut yourself.
PPPPS - maybe I went a bit waffly? let me know
can do shorter next time.
Last edited:
Don't worry about it.