This is my first blog post on this forum. Not sure what to expect, but I truly believe posting here will be much better than creating a new thread every time I feel suicidal or like a wreck. It'd certainly help out the moderators in doing their job of cleaning up the forum.
Any how...let's see...what am I feeling today...
Melancholy. I feel very melancholy. I miss how things use to be, but at the same time I welcome change and look forward to the future. My mind is stuck in the past however, hoping what I once thought was truth will one day become reality. I know deep down in my gut though that will not happen.
I think back to all those past relationships I've had, and how they ultimately ended. They are all torn apart from me, ripped away, slowly and painfully. Even the ones that never existed in reality, hurt to see torn away from me. It hurts so much to face reality, to see the truth in things. I know it's so wrong to say, but I'd rather live in an illusion and not know any better than live in truth and see things for what they truly are.
No, that can't be right.
It's only the case when I'm hurting. When the truth is something I can not face, I want no part of it. When it's something I want, I crave it. Is this wrong, is this selfish? No, fuck that. Being happy with myself is what I need, I have every right to be be selfish, to be happy.
I have every right to be happy. I have every right to be anything and everything I want to be. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved.
I wish I didn't care so much for other people. I want to not give a fuck about anybody but myself. And I know I can, I just need the strength to do so. Caring for everyone else leaves me forgetting who I am, leaves me writing these silly sentences that don't quite make sense but somehow string together to make an abstract concept in your mind of what I might be feeling. Ha! That only makes sense because it exists.
I'm a lost soul. A lost soul. I am a lost soul. A lost soul. What is a lost soul? A spirit, wandering around...searching for something? If that is the case, we are all so lost.
Any how...let's see...what am I feeling today...
Melancholy. I feel very melancholy. I miss how things use to be, but at the same time I welcome change and look forward to the future. My mind is stuck in the past however, hoping what I once thought was truth will one day become reality. I know deep down in my gut though that will not happen.
I think back to all those past relationships I've had, and how they ultimately ended. They are all torn apart from me, ripped away, slowly and painfully. Even the ones that never existed in reality, hurt to see torn away from me. It hurts so much to face reality, to see the truth in things. I know it's so wrong to say, but I'd rather live in an illusion and not know any better than live in truth and see things for what they truly are.
No, that can't be right.
It's only the case when I'm hurting. When the truth is something I can not face, I want no part of it. When it's something I want, I crave it. Is this wrong, is this selfish? No, fuck that. Being happy with myself is what I need, I have every right to be be selfish, to be happy.
I have every right to be happy. I have every right to be anything and everything I want to be. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved.
I wish I didn't care so much for other people. I want to not give a fuck about anybody but myself. And I know I can, I just need the strength to do so. Caring for everyone else leaves me forgetting who I am, leaves me writing these silly sentences that don't quite make sense but somehow string together to make an abstract concept in your mind of what I might be feeling. Ha! That only makes sense because it exists.
I'm a lost soul. A lost soul. I am a lost soul. A lost soul. What is a lost soul? A spirit, wandering around...searching for something? If that is the case, we are all so lost.