Finishing My Experiment...But in the End it Worked Out Fine

So yesterday as I noted I bought 14 of those street bags of #4. Today I bought 90 of them, my last heroin for a while because although I havent yet booked passage, Im heading down to the Philippines in a couple of days. I have some business stuff to handle in Mindanao, and then will visit with two Filipinas that I briefly mentioned. Sadly, the one in Lapu Lapu might cause me to see Rizza whom I havent seen in almost half a decade.

I still am partiallly in business with Mario, her dad, still have my house in his compound and we are still as close as we always were. It took almost 3 years but her parents calmed down. For a while I expected them to literally kill her for the shame she caused them and had my relationship with her parents been weaker it might have hit them hard financially. In the Philippines you can have an adulterous wife and her lover tossed into prison for 14 years. To avoid that extra shame I could have pressed them for a couple of hundred thousand US but I was friends with them long before I ever considered their daughter.

She has remained with her man all these years, to her credit. One thing I never understood about her is why she always wanted to work. This is a girl who used to summer at Lake Como in Italy and hit Gstaad in Switzerland in the winter, top tenth of top 1 percent in her nation, money and society wise, but weirdly she obssessed about becoming a Home Health Attendant in the West. Just so strange. After the meltdown I became convinced that she has Aspbergers and her parents agreed with me.

If I saw her she would be terrified probably but she shouldnt be. I never loved her so other than the shame she caused her poor family I never worked myself up over the abandonment of our marriage. Well let me clarify. The stress of it is probably what cause my Hep-C regimen of Interferon and Ribavarin to fail. Seeing as how I was closing in on Stage 5 and would be on my last legs now if not for the new treatment, that failure peeved me to say the least. All in all it worked out for the best in the end so alls well that ends well as thet say...which can also be said about my experiment as well but that will be posted soon.

 

So you really didn't love Rizza? How do you define 'love?' The fact that she caused you so much stress suggests you felt something for her beyond the disruption she caused to your living and business situation. Maybe it wasn't 'romantic' love or 'hormonal,' but something must have been there. But that's only an idea because I don't know. Sorry to be nosy - I sort of feel the same way about my xgf Aelyssa. I never strongly felt the passionate "in love" thing for her. It felt more like the love for a friend or family member which isn't romantic at all.

The Aspy theory might explain Rizza's bad behaviour. Aspies are characterized lack of social skills, lack of display of outward emotion, tend to have high IQs, and often have unusual 'Rainman' skills and obsessions. I was self-diagnosed with Aspberger's Syndrome in 2002, but my symptoms could also be explained by my Hellish childhood.... It was all my parents' fault. But her bad bedhavior could also be explained by her having an undiagnosed personality disorder (eg sociopath, bipolar, etc). She ran off with a tweeker if I recall, and she might have been rebelling against her family.

 

As you know I was raised very traditionally as a Jew and romantic love is a Western affectation that is alien to us just as is to maybe 95% of the world. It is a soup of hormonal list and OCD-like obssesion tied to egotism. To us love is a feeling that only develops over time when a couple ride things out. It us a deep and lasting bond and so our divorce rate I believe is 1.3% versus Western Jews' nearly 60%.

You also know that after Rizza I felt for the first time a romantic desire with Jackielou- remember her? Bwaaaahaha and then Lovely? Both were compulsive liars, albeit apparently still desiring me. I would never want to ride those rollercoasters.

I dont know if you remember my posts in 2007 when I was with Rizza and undergoing Cold Turkey from years of methadone at 220mgs and sleeping in between bouts of sickness? I would awake in the early morning, see her sleeping and would feel guilty for not loving her. My emotional tumult when she abandoned me was due primarily to the loss of face to her family, an unimaginable thing for most Westerners. Its complicated but our joint businesses depend upon Mario et al's social and political power. I think you recall our paramilitary and grey and black market dealings.

Mario is on par with Carlos "Charlie Brown" Lademora, a capable killing machibe who would wipe us out, literally. Politically we split the mayoralty in San Franz between our family and his, etc, etc, whole lot of money and land up for consideration.

 

Socko, you and I go back more than a decade so stop with the "nosiness" thingy bwaaaahaha. I remeber your ex yes. There were a fair number of similarities in both relationships.

The kid wasnt a Tweeker as far as I know. When she earned her first degree they met in university. I was still in the field in Israel she was in Cebu. We have a house there for her brothers to use when they enter university. We keep a Ya-ya, a nanny there, and so she, her the Yaya and a brother who began began nursing school en route to physicianship. We spoke each day and IMd. She began missing days and then claimed nonsense like PC broke. Of coursexI was speaking to the Yaya and her brother and knew from Mario that she was in daily contact with Mario et al haha.

1 time she missed 4 days. I called her at 1AM her time and heard all kinds of voices:

Raki: "Where are you? I hear all kinds of voices?!?

Rizza: "Oh that is just my job."

Raki: "Whattttttttt? What job? Are you joking?

Blah blah I will post it in this Blog I reckon bwahahaha

You hit it on the head with the family rebellion aspect. Spot on Socko!!!,

 

I mostly remember your posts from 2007, but I have forgotten a few details about some of the people like the guy with a goiter, for example. And I confused Rizza's new bf with a tweeker "Cousin It" one of my xgf's ran off with... So I remember the part about feeling guilty about not loving her, but it was not clear if you refered to the deeper love that comes from riding things out or if you were only refering to not having the romantic desire for her. With my x Aelyssa, she actually asked me if I ever loved her. I said yes meaning the former, but she seemed to only have a concept of the latter Hollywood romantic love which I never really felt for her. The former was over her head it seems to me. She suspected I never felt the latter, said "you never loved me," and tried to make me feel guilty about it. I even tried to explain to her about hormones and endorphins and that the feeling only lasts a few months and doesn't have substance and that deep relationships and an empathic connection must be built up.
I find that a lot of women love the writings of Jalal Addin Rumi - the English translations, apparently the Arabic versions aren't very good. My impression is that Rumi conflates romantic love with the deeper kind of love, and this confuses many people who read him, but I don't know. I haven't spent much time reading him, but I think when some people read him, they become even more confused about the meaning of love.