2/3/2009
I woke up today after 8 hrs sleep not wanting to get the hell out of bed. I HATE getting up, at least in the day time. It’s difficult because I’m doing nights 5 nights in a row, then switching to day shift every Tuesday. I guzzled down a Rock Star energy shot. It has 200mg of caffeine, but I didn’t feel shit by the time I got to work. At that point I started getting VERY down on myself because I’m thinking fuck the chronic fatigue is back. I took some ultram and even that didn’t make me feel better. I started getting depressive suicidal thoughts while I was at the park with my patient today. I thoroughly HATE my body still and I was raggin on myself that I make myself sick lookin in the mirror because God what a freaken Hippo!
I’m still on Weight Watchers, but after I got clean the weight came piling on at the rate of 20 lbs a month and it’s slow going losing it so I told myself that I wished I was dead and what a relief it would be to park my car in a garage somewhere and suffocate to death I hate myself that much. Why not? They put animals down when they suffer to much so why not extend the same courtesy to humans? I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I pondered suicide, but then always dread the case when my body died, but my spirit stayed in limbo, continuing my consciousness, only without a body. That would be a worse hell than I’m already in, so what next?
Well, I could ask the Doc to write me some Rx amphetamine, which would solve both the fatigue and the weight. So I’d lose my clean time, but goddamn it I’m fuckin tired of this excess fat! The sudden onslaught of lower abdominal cramps told me the monthly visitor has arrived. Maybe my hormones are all fucked up perhaps contributing to this intense depressive outlook? I’ve tried prayer, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve tried exercise, Atkins diet, and now Weight Watchers, but there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight to these excess pounds, fuck. I thought about what would happen after my 2 or 3 month Rx for speed ran out and the horrible come down there is afterwards.
God help me please! Sitting at the dinner table, my patient’s mother was practically in tears because her own mother has been on the brink of death in the hospital. They were discussing why people have to go through such hardships even when it seems to make no sense at the time. I told them I pray 5 or 6 times a day anyway and that I’d be happy to include her mom and the family in my prayers which I did. NA has helped me to not be exclusively self absorbed even in the worst depression. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, “ I told them. “Ask God to take some of the pain and He will.” They appreciated my comments and concern and let me leave work early. I had taken my own advice on the drive back home.
God please relieve me of this obsession with food, weight, and depression! I had called my sponsor while I was at the park, but she wasn’t available. She called me back while my patient’s family were at the dinner table, but I couldn’t talk about it with everyone around, so when I got off work, the soft voice told me to get my ass directly to an NA meeting NOW and tell everybody what I’m going through, so I did. I found myself telling 55 people at the meeting that I feel so ugly, how I hate my body and how upset I was at having gained so much weight getting clean along with this fatigue and how slow it is coming off. I also explained I’m on Weight Watchers and I am going to see the Doc on the 12th and that as upset as I was, I was considering asking the Doc for speed, which she’d give me. The purpose of doing that was to take the power out of my destructive mind and to get me out this bleak feeling of despair and isolation. It worked. Several people came up, gave me hugs, and told me I was beautiful and that they loved me.
About 5 others shared that the same thing happened to them and what they did. Exercise is important, they pointed out, plus doing what I was doing. If it weren’t for NA I would be getting Rx speed and starting this fucked up cycle all over again. On the up side, yeah I’m responsible, I’m better able to help others clean than when I was loaded, although you couldn’t convince me of that before. I’m also not cut off from the rest of the world because I don’t have to hide, nor do I have to be the victim. I get really pissed off, but I’m no longer completely at the mercy of my bogus circumstances, whereas before I was. I came home and told Mom the same things and she said maybe my damn hormones are fucked up. Well when I got on the scale, it read that I had lost 3 more lbs from 6 days ago.
I woke up today after 8 hrs sleep not wanting to get the hell out of bed. I HATE getting up, at least in the day time. It’s difficult because I’m doing nights 5 nights in a row, then switching to day shift every Tuesday. I guzzled down a Rock Star energy shot. It has 200mg of caffeine, but I didn’t feel shit by the time I got to work. At that point I started getting VERY down on myself because I’m thinking fuck the chronic fatigue is back. I took some ultram and even that didn’t make me feel better. I started getting depressive suicidal thoughts while I was at the park with my patient today. I thoroughly HATE my body still and I was raggin on myself that I make myself sick lookin in the mirror because God what a freaken Hippo!
I’m still on Weight Watchers, but after I got clean the weight came piling on at the rate of 20 lbs a month and it’s slow going losing it so I told myself that I wished I was dead and what a relief it would be to park my car in a garage somewhere and suffocate to death I hate myself that much. Why not? They put animals down when they suffer to much so why not extend the same courtesy to humans? I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I pondered suicide, but then always dread the case when my body died, but my spirit stayed in limbo, continuing my consciousness, only without a body. That would be a worse hell than I’m already in, so what next?
Well, I could ask the Doc to write me some Rx amphetamine, which would solve both the fatigue and the weight. So I’d lose my clean time, but goddamn it I’m fuckin tired of this excess fat! The sudden onslaught of lower abdominal cramps told me the monthly visitor has arrived. Maybe my hormones are all fucked up perhaps contributing to this intense depressive outlook? I’ve tried prayer, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve tried exercise, Atkins diet, and now Weight Watchers, but there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight to these excess pounds, fuck. I thought about what would happen after my 2 or 3 month Rx for speed ran out and the horrible come down there is afterwards.
God help me please! Sitting at the dinner table, my patient’s mother was practically in tears because her own mother has been on the brink of death in the hospital. They were discussing why people have to go through such hardships even when it seems to make no sense at the time. I told them I pray 5 or 6 times a day anyway and that I’d be happy to include her mom and the family in my prayers which I did. NA has helped me to not be exclusively self absorbed even in the worst depression. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, “ I told them. “Ask God to take some of the pain and He will.” They appreciated my comments and concern and let me leave work early. I had taken my own advice on the drive back home.
God please relieve me of this obsession with food, weight, and depression! I had called my sponsor while I was at the park, but she wasn’t available. She called me back while my patient’s family were at the dinner table, but I couldn’t talk about it with everyone around, so when I got off work, the soft voice told me to get my ass directly to an NA meeting NOW and tell everybody what I’m going through, so I did. I found myself telling 55 people at the meeting that I feel so ugly, how I hate my body and how upset I was at having gained so much weight getting clean along with this fatigue and how slow it is coming off. I also explained I’m on Weight Watchers and I am going to see the Doc on the 12th and that as upset as I was, I was considering asking the Doc for speed, which she’d give me. The purpose of doing that was to take the power out of my destructive mind and to get me out this bleak feeling of despair and isolation. It worked. Several people came up, gave me hugs, and told me I was beautiful and that they loved me.
About 5 others shared that the same thing happened to them and what they did. Exercise is important, they pointed out, plus doing what I was doing. If it weren’t for NA I would be getting Rx speed and starting this fucked up cycle all over again. On the up side, yeah I’m responsible, I’m better able to help others clean than when I was loaded, although you couldn’t convince me of that before. I’m also not cut off from the rest of the world because I don’t have to hide, nor do I have to be the victim. I get really pissed off, but I’m no longer completely at the mercy of my bogus circumstances, whereas before I was. I came home and told Mom the same things and she said maybe my damn hormones are fucked up. Well when I got on the scale, it read that I had lost 3 more lbs from 6 days ago.
