finding comfort in the wrong things

[redandgreen]

I sometimes want to cry uncontrollably and nothing comes out really I feel so empty. The only way I get comfort is by telling myself "I'm going to kill myself one day." It brings me an enormous sense of relief to think that there is some relief from all this and I know how sick it is to use it as a giant fuck you but even then I don't think the right people would get it. The only time my father has ever really tried to talk to me about life or problems is when he is drunk and I am ashamed of him and can't bear to look at him like that.

I look at my life and what its become and who I am and how I act and whenever I feel this negativity I use those words and they give me comfort. Nothing else really does. I don't use hard drugs very often. I don't have it bad. I get fed and have a bed to sleep in. But I feel ugly inside and full of nothing. I don't know if I will ever have kids but I know that some people should never. I used to go to my friends houses when we were little and look at how their parents act and show affection for eachother and wonder why my family wasnt the same. I grew up with this ingrained sense of shame. I remember getting massive anxiety when I'd have friends over or birthday parties wondering when my parents would start shouting at eachother and make all my friends not like me.

Sometimes I feel like my dad and I hate myself. I feel mysef scowling for no reason. I want to be happy and joyful and make others happy and feel positive. Sometimes I think women can smell where I've come from and it scares me to think that no matter how bad I wanna be good I have this predisposition for ugliness. I mean, you grow up around all this vile negativity and it feels like it becomes a part of you. I don't want it. He doesn't deserve to be with anyone, my mom was a beautiful person and after all these years of emotional abuse she is incapacitated totally in this relationship. It makes me sad to see what she is like now. She has been scared of him her whole married life. I hate him so much for it. I don't know how to deal with it. He gives me money and I take it becuase I'm an idiot and it somehow justifies his behaviour. I hate it. I'm so scared of being like this for the rest of my life sometimes. I have to get out of here.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

so get out, move, change your life. Look at what you hate and do the opposite. Look at there flaws and make them your strengths. Easy to say hard to do. Sometimes i feels like the world is keeping you down, but it isn't. You just gotta figure out something and do it if your not happy and you lets things stay the same things won't change.

Just find one thing at a time you want to change, or do different... and do it... even if it takes along time if you do one thing every week different in a year thats a lot of things... slow and steady wins the race... sorry to hear about your self hatred though.

Thinking about killing your self? Maybe you should go talk to someone about it, if your posting on here you probably need help.

 

[herbavore]

It's not easy to grow beyond all the negative thinking and behaviors that you grow up with (and they sound intense) but it is possible. Recognizing the negativity, the habits and ways of being that you unconsciously adopted as a kid from alcoholic and dysfunctional parents is a very necessary first step and you've already taken it. Now you just have to take it farther. Define how you want to be and then consciously try to put it into practice. Being negative is a learned set of habits. It can be unlearned but it takes practice. From what you say you want, you sound like a person that is both giving and sensitive, not ugly or dead inside at all. Are you doing any kind of therapy? I think that it would be a life changer for you to do some deep work with a person that you trust. It isn't instantaneous but it works. I adopted many dysfunctional ways of being from my parents and it wasn't easy to completely root them out but for the most part I have been able to.