FindTheWolf11
Greenlighter
So I've been visiting Bluelight for YEARS. And I've always found it interesting and helpful. Informative. Rarely ever dramatic. And certainly not cheesy, contrived, or trashy. My name is Jessica, I always end up going by Jess, but I rarely ever tell people that, it just happens naturally... I guess it suits me. Helps too since 780008737% of females born between 84 and 88 share my first AND middle name (Anne). So when I'm called in a crowd of 15 Jessica's, I normally know the difference because they call for "Jess", not Jessica, so I don't turn my head and look around like I'm all paranoid or schizo effective and seeing or hearing shit that isn't there... especially since speed isn't my favorite, and hallucinogens, though fantastic and treasured in my life, aren't something I do OFTEN these days.
Which brings me to that... H is my vice. I've been experimenting with a copious amount of various substances pretty consistently since I was 13 years old. I was fascinated with it all from an early age, for some STRANGE reason, because I had a lot of goals and ambitions. Was a HIGHLY talented ballerina and planned to get a full-ride scholarship to a prestigious University that way... because my family couldn't and wouldn't have paid for it if they could. But that's not a story for here or now... but I did succeed. However, way more easily than I earned it, I pissed it away all in one night. I'm from Birmingham, Al. I grew up though in one of the most diverse areas in Bham, and also one of the most progressively open communities the state has EVER seen. I had a unique high school experience. I went to school with the upper class, for the vast majority. But coming from a single parent home, with a career in the mortgage business, that wasn't my story. I never wanted for anything, but money didn't flow freely or carelessly. But my friends had TONS to burn. We were already smoking crack in fancy bathrooms of historic family lake houses with of course no adult "chaperoning", there were weekly MAJOR leg parties in mansions overlooking the city lights that featured shrooms, LSD, DAMN GOOD cocaine, ecstacy was a daily pass-time for many, even during school hours... we also did a lot of pure MDMA, along with pills from every classification, liquor and beer, otc cough syrups etc being used to "robo trip", marijuana being smoked from bongs that costed more than my mothers 3rd engagement ring from husband #3 and the best part?! Our "sources" were all right there at school with us - and they had plenty to sell... legit. By Senior year, adderall and ritalin were something of he past that we mostly laughed at, it was comparable to the likes of snorting pixie dust for us... hell... we were shooting coke before midterms and finals. We were missing half of first block to ride "the loop" in our hometown and smoke a blunt in $50,000+ cars 4 or 5 deep followed by daily chicken biscuits and coffees from Chik-Fil-A and a cigarette stop... and we never heard a word about it from school staff. Meth and Ice weren't as popular then... it filtered thru toward the end of my high school career and not many of us enjoyed it much. Since then of course I HAVE done it... in every way; hot rails, mainlining, snorting just the shards, filters from cooking it in my coffee, plugging it, eating it, smoking it etc. Still not something I'm crazy about... The summer after my sophomore year, I did so many psychedelic drugs, benzodiazepines, and of course the staple THC, that the following school year, my mother was called for a conference in which the school staff was afraid something had happened to me over the summer and that I needed counseling for sure, but also to be tested and reevaluated intellectually because I may need some easier classes for that year... that I had maybe damaged by brain irreparably because I took all AP (advanced learning) classes and maintained a GPA of 4.5 (my high school, being the #6 top public high school academically at that time - which is shocking considering what we were all actively participating in - used a "weighted GPA" method. So our highest possibility was a 5.0) up to that point and my GPA dropped my first semester back to a 4.2, and a federal law had just been passed stating that students participating in extra curricular activities could be drug tested by the school, so they had administered mine based on behavior and school rumor and as they put it, I "melted" the cup. Positive for everything BUT PCP. And that if it happened again, I could be suspended from both school, cheerleading (competitive, we danced), as well as being reported to my Birmingham AND Atlanta ballet companies as well, which could result in being discharged, which would mean the possibility of a scholarship of the magnitude I had been shooting for, would be but a dream. Obvi, I met a guy who liked methadone, took them with him often, experienced my first bout of withdrawals not knowing what they were, until he brought me an Oxy 80 (RIP) and I felt 100X better. This was the beginning of the end for me. I lost the scholarship 4 months after I was told I had gotten it. Eventually, couldn't find the Oxy anymore, boyfriends parents did dillauted, which meant IV, my knees buckled at the rush, so now I say my "DOC" is "water soluble and MORE". I do smoke THC and cigs though as well. But that's the only thing I'll do these days unless I can IV it. However, the poppy plant is my staple. WHEN good girl can be found, I love to mix the two. But I can't stand glass.. too much, too intense and doesn't ever agree with my chemistry well enough not to screw up my other basic chemical need which makes things uncomfortable to say the least. However, if you got it, and you're offering, I'll partake in a small one. Not interested in being up for though and picking my face off and raining in my bedroom while the cops are at my window type stuff....
So, that's what my deal is. But I don't like to use my things irresponsibly, and after that boyfriend and I broke up, I began using bluelight because I could NOT hit myself and because I didn't know much about what I was doing without him there to tell me (so thank you Bluelight for saving my pride so that I didn't ever have to call him after I left him and ask... ew. Secondly, after being sober 5 years, I forgot quite a bit, and you were there for me), I never dated someone else with the same issue with me... it's too much. And I prefer not to have to support two habits when one is enough. The sweet poppy is EXTREMELY expensive in this state. 3X as expensive as it was when I lived in Phoenix from 2009-2015. Which, I was sober, in a 12 step program, for the first 5 years of that stint. So if anyone wants advice, information, or has questions about that experience; the before, the during, and the downfall, I'm more than happy to share that as well. Openly or privately. We're talking about .10 of a gram for $20, which means $150 for a gram, whereas I could get an 8 ball of tar for that in Phoenix. However, I will say, the quality is better. Some China White, some of the light brown colored stuff. Some grey... but ALL better than nasty tar. Yuck. And can I say, MUCH easier on my small and sensitive veins.
So in my brief but long 28 years, I've done pretty much everything other than PCP (simply because Ive never run across it or knew anyone that did it), GHB... only ever had one friend that did it, and she was in recovery when we met but it WAS of course, her drug of choice, I have yet to have experienced ketamine though I really would like to, and last but not least, DMT. I'm fascinatinated by it. Again, I don't know anyone PERSONALLY who has done it, wouldn't know where to even go about getting it, but it's an experience I don't want to miss out on. And would honestly like to do before I decide to go to treatment or whatever again and really give sobriety another shot, which won't be in the far distant future... of this I am sure.
Anyway, I of course also come along to pass on any knowledge or wisdom I have that can be useful to anyone. Which is why I finally decided to register. I found a thread I could contribute to. So thanks for having me... I ask that you PLEASE be patient with me if I break any rules, and just inform me politely. I asked NICELY! So PLEASE!! Lol! I DO want to be a team player and play nicely in this sandbox while I avoid chaos, drama, or confusion... but I sometimes forget things, especially after reading them at 5 AM (like rules and terms of service).
Much love to you all.
Which brings me to that... H is my vice. I've been experimenting with a copious amount of various substances pretty consistently since I was 13 years old. I was fascinated with it all from an early age, for some STRANGE reason, because I had a lot of goals and ambitions. Was a HIGHLY talented ballerina and planned to get a full-ride scholarship to a prestigious University that way... because my family couldn't and wouldn't have paid for it if they could. But that's not a story for here or now... but I did succeed. However, way more easily than I earned it, I pissed it away all in one night. I'm from Birmingham, Al. I grew up though in one of the most diverse areas in Bham, and also one of the most progressively open communities the state has EVER seen. I had a unique high school experience. I went to school with the upper class, for the vast majority. But coming from a single parent home, with a career in the mortgage business, that wasn't my story. I never wanted for anything, but money didn't flow freely or carelessly. But my friends had TONS to burn. We were already smoking crack in fancy bathrooms of historic family lake houses with of course no adult "chaperoning", there were weekly MAJOR leg parties in mansions overlooking the city lights that featured shrooms, LSD, DAMN GOOD cocaine, ecstacy was a daily pass-time for many, even during school hours... we also did a lot of pure MDMA, along with pills from every classification, liquor and beer, otc cough syrups etc being used to "robo trip", marijuana being smoked from bongs that costed more than my mothers 3rd engagement ring from husband #3 and the best part?! Our "sources" were all right there at school with us - and they had plenty to sell... legit. By Senior year, adderall and ritalin were something of he past that we mostly laughed at, it was comparable to the likes of snorting pixie dust for us... hell... we were shooting coke before midterms and finals. We were missing half of first block to ride "the loop" in our hometown and smoke a blunt in $50,000+ cars 4 or 5 deep followed by daily chicken biscuits and coffees from Chik-Fil-A and a cigarette stop... and we never heard a word about it from school staff. Meth and Ice weren't as popular then... it filtered thru toward the end of my high school career and not many of us enjoyed it much. Since then of course I HAVE done it... in every way; hot rails, mainlining, snorting just the shards, filters from cooking it in my coffee, plugging it, eating it, smoking it etc. Still not something I'm crazy about... The summer after my sophomore year, I did so many psychedelic drugs, benzodiazepines, and of course the staple THC, that the following school year, my mother was called for a conference in which the school staff was afraid something had happened to me over the summer and that I needed counseling for sure, but also to be tested and reevaluated intellectually because I may need some easier classes for that year... that I had maybe damaged by brain irreparably because I took all AP (advanced learning) classes and maintained a GPA of 4.5 (my high school, being the #6 top public high school academically at that time - which is shocking considering what we were all actively participating in - used a "weighted GPA" method. So our highest possibility was a 5.0) up to that point and my GPA dropped my first semester back to a 4.2, and a federal law had just been passed stating that students participating in extra curricular activities could be drug tested by the school, so they had administered mine based on behavior and school rumor and as they put it, I "melted" the cup. Positive for everything BUT PCP. And that if it happened again, I could be suspended from both school, cheerleading (competitive, we danced), as well as being reported to my Birmingham AND Atlanta ballet companies as well, which could result in being discharged, which would mean the possibility of a scholarship of the magnitude I had been shooting for, would be but a dream. Obvi, I met a guy who liked methadone, took them with him often, experienced my first bout of withdrawals not knowing what they were, until he brought me an Oxy 80 (RIP) and I felt 100X better. This was the beginning of the end for me. I lost the scholarship 4 months after I was told I had gotten it. Eventually, couldn't find the Oxy anymore, boyfriends parents did dillauted, which meant IV, my knees buckled at the rush, so now I say my "DOC" is "water soluble and MORE". I do smoke THC and cigs though as well. But that's the only thing I'll do these days unless I can IV it. However, the poppy plant is my staple. WHEN good girl can be found, I love to mix the two. But I can't stand glass.. too much, too intense and doesn't ever agree with my chemistry well enough not to screw up my other basic chemical need which makes things uncomfortable to say the least. However, if you got it, and you're offering, I'll partake in a small one. Not interested in being up for though and picking my face off and raining in my bedroom while the cops are at my window type stuff....
So, that's what my deal is. But I don't like to use my things irresponsibly, and after that boyfriend and I broke up, I began using bluelight because I could NOT hit myself and because I didn't know much about what I was doing without him there to tell me (so thank you Bluelight for saving my pride so that I didn't ever have to call him after I left him and ask... ew. Secondly, after being sober 5 years, I forgot quite a bit, and you were there for me), I never dated someone else with the same issue with me... it's too much. And I prefer not to have to support two habits when one is enough. The sweet poppy is EXTREMELY expensive in this state. 3X as expensive as it was when I lived in Phoenix from 2009-2015. Which, I was sober, in a 12 step program, for the first 5 years of that stint. So if anyone wants advice, information, or has questions about that experience; the before, the during, and the downfall, I'm more than happy to share that as well. Openly or privately. We're talking about .10 of a gram for $20, which means $150 for a gram, whereas I could get an 8 ball of tar for that in Phoenix. However, I will say, the quality is better. Some China White, some of the light brown colored stuff. Some grey... but ALL better than nasty tar. Yuck. And can I say, MUCH easier on my small and sensitive veins.
So in my brief but long 28 years, I've done pretty much everything other than PCP (simply because Ive never run across it or knew anyone that did it), GHB... only ever had one friend that did it, and she was in recovery when we met but it WAS of course, her drug of choice, I have yet to have experienced ketamine though I really would like to, and last but not least, DMT. I'm fascinatinated by it. Again, I don't know anyone PERSONALLY who has done it, wouldn't know where to even go about getting it, but it's an experience I don't want to miss out on. And would honestly like to do before I decide to go to treatment or whatever again and really give sobriety another shot, which won't be in the far distant future... of this I am sure.
Anyway, I of course also come along to pass on any knowledge or wisdom I have that can be useful to anyone. Which is why I finally decided to register. I found a thread I could contribute to. So thanks for having me... I ask that you PLEASE be patient with me if I break any rules, and just inform me politely. I asked NICELY! So PLEASE!! Lol! I DO want to be a team player and play nicely in this sandbox while I avoid chaos, drama, or confusion... but I sometimes forget things, especially after reading them at 5 AM (like rules and terms of service).
Much love to you all.
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