NotAnymore
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2018
- Messages
- 1
Hi everyone!
I've been reading bluelight for years, but finally decided to become an active member of the community.
Long story short, I was raised, like most of us, to believe just doing a drug once would render you a completely uncontrollable fiend. I dispelled that myth with my first, delicious hit of a bong 8 years ago. Then I realized I'd been lied to, well not so much lied to as educated by ignorant people, and in response to that did absolutely all the drugs. Found cocaine, fell in love. Did it, did more, did more more, did too much, stopped for a while, did it again, did more, did more more, did too much, stopped again. Killed the habit, but haven't quite come to terms with the decision yet, and have revisited a couple of times since.
Tried a quite a few different types of opiates, benzos, psychedelics and a ridiculously long list of nootropics.
I've always been good at staying out of the deep waters with everything except cocaine, because cocaine. Although, now it seems I can't do cocaine anymore without extreme rebound anxiety for a week, and I'm terrible at dealing with that shit, so right now I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact, that I can't be rekindling that spark without feeling like shit for a long time after. I can't even really enjoy the experience anymore, because my scumbag brain is on full fucking alert from the couple of close calls I've had on it. Feels like it's out of my control. I'll be honest, I really miss what it was. I miss feeling like nothing can touch me, like I'm the king of the fucking world, but I'm realizing that my brain is just not the same anymore. No fucking shit, right?
When all that's said, I have no regrets and I still find drugs fascinating as fuck, which is why I'll be joining the community here. To listen, to learn, to talk and maybe even to help. I don't know where my journey is taking me, sobriety might be the answer, it might not. I know I don't think sobriety is a virtue, I really despise that fucking victorian sentiment. I know I'm jealous, that others can partake without inevitably having to power through a week of panic attacks. I know I'm grateful, that I have the ability to stay in control as I am now. I know I can feel really fucking good without drugs. Takes more work, more discipline. I also know, that if I have it I do it. No matter what the fuck it is. Right now, I'm determined to quit everything, even cigarettes and to get my body in the best shape of my life. Not because it's what everyone should do, but because right now it feels like it's what I should do, and so far that's turning out to be a good feeling in itself.
Thanks for reading.
I hope to get to know some of you!
I've been reading bluelight for years, but finally decided to become an active member of the community.
Long story short, I was raised, like most of us, to believe just doing a drug once would render you a completely uncontrollable fiend. I dispelled that myth with my first, delicious hit of a bong 8 years ago. Then I realized I'd been lied to, well not so much lied to as educated by ignorant people, and in response to that did absolutely all the drugs. Found cocaine, fell in love. Did it, did more, did more more, did too much, stopped for a while, did it again, did more, did more more, did too much, stopped again. Killed the habit, but haven't quite come to terms with the decision yet, and have revisited a couple of times since.
Tried a quite a few different types of opiates, benzos, psychedelics and a ridiculously long list of nootropics.
I've always been good at staying out of the deep waters with everything except cocaine, because cocaine. Although, now it seems I can't do cocaine anymore without extreme rebound anxiety for a week, and I'm terrible at dealing with that shit, so right now I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact, that I can't be rekindling that spark without feeling like shit for a long time after. I can't even really enjoy the experience anymore, because my scumbag brain is on full fucking alert from the couple of close calls I've had on it. Feels like it's out of my control. I'll be honest, I really miss what it was. I miss feeling like nothing can touch me, like I'm the king of the fucking world, but I'm realizing that my brain is just not the same anymore. No fucking shit, right?
When all that's said, I have no regrets and I still find drugs fascinating as fuck, which is why I'll be joining the community here. To listen, to learn, to talk and maybe even to help. I don't know where my journey is taking me, sobriety might be the answer, it might not. I know I don't think sobriety is a virtue, I really despise that fucking victorian sentiment. I know I'm jealous, that others can partake without inevitably having to power through a week of panic attacks. I know I'm grateful, that I have the ability to stay in control as I am now. I know I can feel really fucking good without drugs. Takes more work, more discipline. I also know, that if I have it I do it. No matter what the fuck it is. Right now, I'm determined to quit everything, even cigarettes and to get my body in the best shape of my life. Not because it's what everyone should do, but because right now it feels like it's what I should do, and so far that's turning out to be a good feeling in itself.
Thanks for reading.
I hope to get to know some of you!
