Final Closure

I know, I know - its been AGES since I was on BL

My life had been spiralling out of control

It really admittedly started going downhill again when my relationship with Keira (Sweet P - btw. man I cringe when I see people call her 'P' because if theres one thing that I don't like thinking of Keira as it's that evil drug!) went to shit

At the time, I blamed Keira and Keira blamed me - each of us thought the other was 'the worst addict', 'the most hateful', 'the least mature', etc

So when I hit a sort-of 'second' rock bottom I didn't even realise it
However, I was behaving rather obnoxiously on TDS - no one but me could be right - and my BPD-type symptoms (which have almost vanished now, and I barely recognise in Keira either now) became worse and worse!
DW had become 'drugged witch'!

When I left BL, I thought it was just because I no longer was liked by anyone here - to be fair a lot of people who didnt know me did join and no, how could they know that I used to give 100% of my time to helping others fairly unselfishly when towards the end of my time at BL I was just making trouble, so I can see why people decided I might be a fun wind-up

However, through a lot of prayer and reflection I realised meth was not who I wanted to die being known as

Amazingly enough, around the time I decided I was going to bloody well give up (after a 3 month stint in remand due to meth possession - and getting back to a 3g a day IV habit....here we go again...) I found an email in my box that made my ticker go crazy (and I was SOBER!)
Yes, it was from Keira.

Keira didn't ask to go out with me again, just to see how I was. She didn't need to ask twice - I'd missed her like crazy...Keira is the one person I can talk about anything and feel comfortable with.

Slowly, as was inevitable, our relationship went from a 'weakly promised platonic' to the most romantic and cherished relationship I have ever had (much better than our so-called 'being in love while on P'...an impossible feat when you're an addict!)

Tonight is my last night using P...with Keira.
Many will be of the opinion that we are playing with fire but we feel this is the best way to get closure on that once ruined, poisoned relationship, and on the spoilt lives of two women who have now seen love and life through clear glasses.
We have both deleted our contacts from each other's phones...which was cathartic but brought me to tears a bit!

Tomorrow I have a new address - I'm moving out to Waitakere. No one will know where I live - except genuine friends!

Just remember - to all those who have tried and tried to give up methamphetamine:
It feels impossible until you know with all your heart and soul that when you invite meth into your body, you invite a demon into your soul...to cleanse a demonised soul, all one must do is break their old lives apart, and pick up the pieces worth keeping

Now that Keira and I have each other for support, we know, while there is no pretense that hard times will be ahead, we have done so well and got so far....and two against one (especially when I know God is on our side) usually win out

I'M CONFIDENT THAT THIS IS THE END OF LIFE...ON METH! %)

 

I'm so happy we're back together hun, and it's great to see you posting again.

It's been a very cathartic night... smoking the last of our supplies and finally saying "this is it". We don't plan to score any more meth. And having each other for support will definitely help with our recovery. I'm confident we can do this!

 

Welcome back d_w! It's great to hear from you, and to hear such encouraging words. You know far better than I how hard your path will be, but I've no doubt that the two of you will get through it.

 

Brilliant! It's good to know you've kicked that stuff.
Three cheers for DW.

 

I'm glad you updated us and hope you stick around on BL!
There are a lot of people who care for you on BL, especially in TDS and we are all pulling for you!
Lots of Positive energy headed your way!

 

An inspiring blog d_w, my thoughts and best wishes are with you, take care.

 

we r now 3.5 months clean...just for an update

u can do it too; u just have to want it (addressing meth addicts)
ive had one lapse - but ive bn busy and my steady relationship wiv Keira helps

im a v blessed woman

praise God!

 

hey girlie, its been ages. I am glad you are trying to stay clean.
i know you can do it, you are going to stay clean. You two are amazing and smart people and i wish nothing but the best for you and keira.

 

thanks, ONCOR
were still doing well - though weve modified the relationship, to a degree. were still the closest of friends - Keira always says i cant get rid of her no matter what, and i wouldnt want to! however, trying to hold together a relationship destined to be a civil union wasnt going to happen, between 2 chicks with such opposing interests, without somebody losing out on the future they needed to be fulfilled. so we 'broke up', but there was no fight and if anything i feel even closer to her, knowing ill never have to change who i am for her (and vice versa), just enjoying being with her.

as for methamphetamine - i havnt heard of anybody 'curing' a P addiction but we barely use anymore. if someone has it, ill use it obviously, but i dont go outa my way to buy it, unless its an occasion where Keira and i have chosen to use it together. shes pretty much the same.
im coming off the methadone, and its almost like the dopesickness drives away any desire to use stimulants, even though the well-being created by that rush of dopamine always makes me forget how crap i feel - the amotivation that comes with opiate withdrawal, drawn out in the disgusting way you only get with methadone reduction, is helping stop me from furiously chasing stimulants (hasnt stopped me chasing opiates, but why spoil the optimism now!!!)...i duno Keiras secret, i think weve both just grown up.

i can also see i was still very much as 'mentally ill' as ever even in this entry. i wouldnt call what i had 'BPD' - in fact im not a big fan of the idea of personality disorders; theyre just a group of characteristics that develop in reaction to a trauma, and in my mind saying i had 'BPD' gave me a reason to not feel bad about some shocking behaviours and attitudes id developed, including an ego the size of a small city. i only have to read old blog entrys and, ftm, posts, to see that i thought i deserved to be treated a certain way. i was always brought up to give to others, and ive always enjoyed doing so, mainly cos its something else to see people being happy and having the satisfaction of knowing i helped them become so, even to the smallest degree. however, obviously somewhere along the line i must have decided that if i was nice people owed it to me to be nice back, and that aint the way the world works, so inserting manipulative bits and bobs to remind everybody that i 'put 100% into helping others' was probably my little way of trying to make the haters feel bad and those who didnt stand up for me feel so too (strangely it had the opposite effect). if id looked at it like that at the time id probably have stopped. but i didnt. sometimes it takes some getting away from a situation and returning oneday to look back at it all to understand, fully, why your attempts to achieve a certain response from others, were in vain.
i dont think i ever had a 'borderline personality' as such - dropping my dose of methadone appears to have taken with it the degree of symptoms of mental illness i appeared to have.
maybe things have altogether got better (bar methadone withdrawal) cos im no longer trying to control everything round me - peoples responses to what i have to say....as well as how often i use methamphetamine.

i last used on my b'day - 3rd may - with my friend Josh; Keira was there, but didnt have any (no, really) cos there really wasnt enough; it was bought as a liquid (shards that had completely melted and wouldnt recrystalise), we estimated it to be about a Q but it seemed to be more like a point once wed filtered it and had each had a small blast, so Keira just left it there and let us hav the rest, with most of it going to me as a b'day prezzy. we spent the day at an amusement park. niiiiiiice, but not so fun when we had to face the folks at dinner afterrwards; me wearing a long-sleeved tee when it was boiling hot, and needing a few bongs to whet the old appetite!
most of my use is IV again - i wouldnt call this harm reduction, though ive found i get less fiendish doing it that way with a bowl or 2 on top, on the comedown; ive also only ever had psychosis when on the pipe. maybe these are simple excuses to feed the needle fixation, but i wouldnt say i do it often enough to be worrying these days.

i still go to NA meetings occasionally, but its mainly to support friends, as it bugs the hell outa me that i can be clean that day and still cant say i am, cos im on methadone.
i went through a big stage of simply denying the existance of any God at all, let alone the one id developed a relationship with; just recently i started reading the Bible again...who knows? im 100% sure of His existance, i just have to perservere a lot to get my relationship with God back to what it was, and im not pushing too hard cos i assume good things happen with time in this sense too. looks ironic using drugs and calling myself a Christian but i dont really care about that yet - its not something worth worrying about while im on methadone anyway.

so sticking at it is the key, whatever 'it' is - you couldnt say im clean from P, you couldnt say Keira is either, but you could say weve both matured and gone for less lofty goals til were ready. i doubt ill be using if im alive in 50 years time!

 

Wow. It's good to see you around L
Wish you nothing but the best, doll.