Fighting the Dragon & Other Demons Alone. Thoughts?

[RebelWithACause]

Hi all--
My first post and I hope I can actually finish it and post it. I am a 13 year heavy opiate & benzo addict and I just finished acute detox from the opiates....not H but oxy....unlimited & legally obtained. The last 3 years I totally threw away not one but two careers that require more licensing and advanced schooling than any one person ought to have to go through. I haven't worked in 3 years--moved in with my codependent mean as a snake ex-husband so he could support me and I could do nothing but get loaded every day and basically watch TV.

Three things you should know: I've lied, cheated and stolen (the unholy triad of addiction) so the ex kind of is justified in the hate part of our love/hate relationship and second, I doubt I would have EVER quit if he hadnt pulled the rug out from under me. Might as well get that out there. Third, I'm bipolar and actively manic at the moment & totally unmedicated for it by choice.

So--here's the deal: he had enough and said get out by the end of the month. I live in FL...."home" if you want to call it that is 1300 miles away. I have a drown daughter there and a father with more resources than he can count but he is clueless on bipolar and thinks addicts should be killed and not helped so that option's not sounding too good. And then I'm left with an option I'm not sure about: I've got a younger brother in Hawaii willing to take me in but he's in recovery & it's a one shot get clean and I'll help you get on your feet. One of my careers I can be licensed in Hawaii but the other I can not although the skill set is still there and somewhat marketable. However, packing up and getting my car home and then catching a plane to Hawaii seems overwhelming in one instance and a stupid manic bipolar move also.

But, I've tried to get clean and I'm not going to do it in FL. I've proven that. My brother went to Hawaii to escape any access. Isolation was the only thing that worked for him. Yes I know there are drugs everywhere but I won't hit the streets. I have too much to lose so at least in Hawaii I'd be thousands of miles from any known connections I mean dr's.

To the dilemma: move "home" to my evil father where I could possibly get a good job at my advanced career but have to beg the father to help me OR make the big jump and go back to my bachelors level career which I haven't done in over 20 years and hope to get a job in Kona? I am not thinking straight.....only 5 days clean and out of time. I NEED a plan and I don't trust my judgment.

I can stay here & move in with a friend, try to get a job and 99% sure I'll relapse; move home & give the unforgiving father a shot bc that's the most likely place for me to use my advanced degree or fly off to Hawaii & bank on paradise saving me. Thoughts? I have to be out of here by the end of the month. I'm 50 if that helps and through no effort of my own have miraculously managed to hold onto my licenses although my resumes got a 3 year gap now. Thank you

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey RebelWithacause.. welcome to BL.. congratulations on getting clean from the opiat/benzos.. quite the accomplishment . Hey on this list of things you want to get done with one swing of the bat can you please add solve the problem with coldfusion, end world hunger, fix the global economy, end greed and hate, cure aging.. I am not making fun of you Just trying to point out that you are trying to fix all the issues in your life the minute you got clean. Hence you are living totally in the future and putting huge demands on your self.. I bet if you think back you may have always had incredibly high goals and standards for yourself and you most likely met a great deal of these goals. If you live your whole life in tomorrow you don't get to enjoy today.. If you don't get to enjoy today your not going to feel at peace as tomorrow never comes. If you are always looking to get to a place in tomorrow where you will be "happy" you will never learn how to be happy in today. You have gotten the easy part done, you got clean, now come the hard part.. staying clean. Buy focussing so much on tomorrow you will fill yourself with anxiety, fear, apprehension, doubt, and work yourself into a frenzy and use. Stay in today, if you go back into the past then you will be filled with regret, guilt, remorse and will want to use so you will use. PLEASE just stop and take a breath.. give yourself the credit you deserve, you are doing great. Dont try and clean your life up in a month, your life might get cleaned up but you most likely wont stay clean. Take a little time, and I know you have told us that you just sat around getting high and watching tv, but thats wasting time not taking it. Your clean and now the stress of real life coming back at you is triggering the manic/hypomanic mood. So now as your mind is moving clear and it is stimulated buy the MAN?HYPO manic state your racing girl.. you need inch it down just a little, not a lot but a little.. and yes you can do this. IMO what i would do if I were you would be to first decide to do nothing about your career for a whole year!!! I would move to the place where I had the best chance of recovery.. IMO this would be Hawaii, yeah and having no safty net there is a good thing as you stating that its a one chance and your out tells my addict mind that you haven't got to a place where you are ready to do whatever it takes. staying clean off drugs means forming and implementing a sobriety plan. This means support.. your brother is in recovery and knows what you are going through and must have come up with a plan that is working for him.. if your honest is some of your apprehension about going to live with him based on the fact that he isn't going to swallow any of the BS that you may try and feed him what is your plan to try and stay sober, are you going to some sort of support group, Personally I once made the decision to clean up touring europe for the summer, i mean why spend the money on a rehab when i can just get out of my element and clean up that way.. yeah found omonia square in athens an hour after landing.. active addicts are smart, determined, and well versed in manipulation and can find any drug they want or at least a descent substitute in 4-6 hours just about anywhere.. drop us off in antarctica and if there is someone slinging our substance and we want it we will be at that shack buy nightfall.

Take a little time Rebel.. pick the place that will provide the greatest likelihood for your recovery, don't base this on drug availability, base it on support as well as a person that knows what you are going through and has made big strides themselves (brother poss). design and develop a recovery program that will provide you with a a strong chance of success as well as the opportunity for a good life. figure out why you still want to use and address this issue, figure out why you used in the first place and address that issue, get some real support, start with NA, blue light, and what ever else you can, you could walk across the earth buy yourself but why bother it much better with real friends along for the journey.. addict band together its one of the strongest positives in recovery.. If there is a stronger non genetic bond than the one that addicts hold for each other than I haven't come across it. Stay in today.. your career isn't going anywhere.. all those details that are consuming you right now will work themselves out in an amazingly short period of time.. move to hawaii get in a strong group of recovering addicts, get a chil job where you can relax and focus on recovery and reflection.. take up surfing.. take stock in your life, take a little time to figure out where you want to go.. This is the beginning of a whole new life, congratulations the old one day at a time rebel, but remember to enjoy that day cause its all we ever have.

please consider taking something to stabilize the moods.. if you don't want to stay on it then get off it eventually.. but there is a good chance you will experience higher highs and lows and may cycle faster because of the PAWS.. think about this and explore it with your DR.. thought pattern controls your mood and you control you thought pattern.. I am BP 2 and am not on any medication anymore because I altered my thinking and now the whole of my cycle is enjoyable.. keep us informed and think about joining the getting staying clean thread as well as the united in recovery thread in sober living as well as the thankful thread in the DS.. wow whole new life why would you want to do what you did in the last one

“Life's not over yet, you're surfing”​

 

[RebelWithACause]

Dear Never,
I can not thank you enough for your reply. In 50 years that's the best advice I ever received. I will take your message to heart & slow down. Trying to enjoy today is a skill i must learn because its patently obvious i dont have it YET. I'd blame my rush on the mania but it's more likely occupational. Occupations are teaching/criminal defense attorney so I've given my share of advice & you just made so much sense. My bro is a dr. In recovery--he lost his license (for now) but he's got a great program in Hawaii and he'll take care of me. I am committed to quitting. I just doubted Hawaii because it sounded like another one of my hair brained manic ideas....plus I want to get back in the courtroom NOW although being out of it certainly didn't bother me any so what's the rush now. As my bro says "if it's 10 miles into the forest, it's 10 miles out." additionally you were spot on when you hit on why I don't want to leave Florida.....my Dr. Is here and leaving makes it real. I can't relapse in HI bc there is NO BSing an anesthesiologist in recovery. No way/no how....I must go. When I look at the options, there aren't any. Hawaii it is.....I recognize my life could be so much worse but for me--this IS my rock bottom. Btw: bro already has an addiction medicine specialist lined up to help and deal with the bipolar plus he's a fitness nut/health guru now so I'll be well fed and exercised.....kind of like the family pet for awhile. I think I am going to get a no stress job for awhile and just chill......then I'll work on world peace, ending racism, poverty, ridiculous US incarceration rates and oh yeah Universal Health Care.....but ONLY after I master carpe diem. Thank you again. I'll retread your reply many times. It helped more than you'll ever know. Thanks again for your time.