Fighting fading away

L

losthippy

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 23, 2010
Messages
317
Location
Sandland
I'm closer to 70 than 60 and have been a high-functioning recreational drug user for close to 50 years. I've maintained my health and managed daily cannabis and quarterly psychedelics pretty damned well, but I'm on my own in respect to the latter these days. Besides dying, the few old-timers left in my orbit have scaled back smoking weed to preserve their lungs and won't use edibles/extracts etc. because it mongs them out too much for too long. Mention a few grams of shrooms and they aren't keen at all anymore. Acid, mescaline and molly the same. My partner (same age) has recently signalled she won't come tripping with me anymore for various reasons, which I'm completely down with, btw.
So here I am. I make no secret of taking these substances recreationally for the sheer pleasure and spectacle of it all and don't feel the slightest bit inclined to stop just because I'm getting-on in years. At the same time, I'm becoming more aware of how isolated I'm becoming taking 6-8 hours solo out of a calendar-day experiencing a blast I can't share or discuss with much enthusiasm.
Life otherwise goes on and we deal with the day-to-day of it all, but that feeling of breaking through and going where straight people don't is a treat I enjoy 3 or 4 times a year and probably need to keep me centred. I don't want that kernel of 'regret' to fester in my subconscious and ambush me somewhere down the line, but I feel like the rot is setting in. I've only had one negative experience involving way too much shroom which took some effort to ride-out, but it also taught me how much negative ideas or worries, even small ones, can be amplified and really fuck-up a good time.
I'm just about due another journey and have plenty enough shrooms to go anytime, but I can't shake the idea that I'm being greedy blocking out time to travel to the exclusion of everything else. I know my partner gets a bit concerned and feels excluded to a degree, but she would never say as much. So, there it is. Are there any other hold-outs facing the same dilemma? Do I have to finally grow-up like my kids keep saying and fade my 50 years of counter-life to black?
 
I cannot relate directly I suppose but may I propose just making sure to document your experiences so that there is something tangible that remains? Not that I'm saying that everything needs to be documented to mean something of course - it doesn't - but given what you said about not being able to share or discuss your experiences with much enthusiasm - this would be a way to solve that particular problem, specifically. Not just erowid (although erowid is great of course for trip reports) but you could check out some blogging platform like substack or medium, maybe collate your experiences into a self-published book at some point or something... even if the reward is not financial (which it probably won't be, unfortunately, the market for this stuff seems to be small) at least you would be able to share the experiences, whether or not they originate in any transferable "wisdom" with a wider audience, even if none of your immediate peers are particularly interested anymore, and thus find some renewed purpose and meaning in these experiences that way... and of course, you would be contributing to the vague sphere of experience that serves as counter to the dominant narrative of punishment and prohibition as the only acceptable policy when it comes to substance use...

Now that's said though, I do feel for you, I'm maybe just a bit more than half your age but I hope I am still able to enjoy these substances at your age, although even now I have essentially no one who is particularly interested in sharing these experiences with me. Athough I guess probably I'll meet more people to share them with over time, hopefully... even now besides online I am aware I cannot really talk to anyone I know in real life about my experiences who can truly relate, and even with those who express vague interest I know there's a limit before I start to bore people at best, or start to appear fundamentally unhinged and start to alienate people, at worst... which I have done before, when I was a bit cockier about my own life choices I guess... so yeah, I feel for you although I have no solution. I hope you'll consider the other thing I said though, for the benefit of all of us! 🙂
 
^^ ^Cheers for that! I'm already a journal keeper with a fat file I'll keep adding to but which likely won't be read. Hopefully ending mid-sentence. I'm not so inclined to go beyond BL to keep up with things, though Erowid and a couple of other places are bookmarked for head food. So it's not so much about needing to debrief as such, but more the sense of sharing a bunch of laughs and oohs and oh wows experiences over a beer and plotting the next big day out. That's roughly how it worked, and tbc not one of my old trip mates quit because they choked on anti-drug propaganda. Basically, they've bowed out of the scene after decades of adventures to live out their time without fear of failing a road-side drug-test or getting busted for growing a plant or the mine-field of shit the system can bring down on them through their criminal behaviour being discovered. We're still good mates and catch-up for drinks, but nothing other. Sadly, we live in a country that is very persistent at policing our Jurassic drug laws. There are a thousand ways to have fun here, but you don't do drugs and you certainly don't reveal any higher-order knowhow of drugs or drug culture than what the media serves up on the 6 o'clock news. And most certainly not if you carry a senior citizen's card. Ever the convicts, haha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top