Female in sexless relationship

[julystar]

I'm with my boyfriend going on 2 years we went out Jauary 2011 and we haven't had sex since May 2011 and the last time he ever performed oral on me was over one yr ago and it was horrible because I could see he wasn't into it. I really love him and I am very attracted to him, we have alot of fun and get along except for this. We met in the same school taking classes together, we are older and this is a career change for us so we are in our 40's..he really pursued me and I liked him so we went out but I asked if he was involoved with anyone from school he said no..I found a dirty text from a girl on his phone..i wasnt snooping he showed me a text of a mutual friend and i saw this.. and he lied and said it was from some girl where he lives. Well turns out it was someone from school so he lied to me and while he is telling me he loves me in my bed he is at home sending pics to her and masturbating..I lost my trust, I told him the first day I have been hurt before and it is very important to be honest even if it isn't alwyas what we want to hear and I can't waste time with someone if we don't want the same things, he agreed..So now since we never have sex and I definitely initiate it and went down on him constantly which I love to do for him..I get nothing so I stopped doing it, I feel ugly, rejected , undesirable and pick myself apart thinking I am gross. If I sent a photo of myself on this site it is not because I am unattractive..I have never had any problems meeting men..I am slender, work out, eat properly, do my makeup and hair every single day..in case someone might think I let myself go. Most definitely not the case. I love to look good..I'm in the beauty industry and have a few roles in some movies. Yet I hate myself..I can't deal with this anymore, yet I really have so much desire and love for him. I am losing my mind trying to figure this out..we have had conversations..I ask him to see me as a person he could trust and talk to me, I will listen to whatever is the problem with him and not fight or be judgemental...I really want to help him and make it work for us. I don't believe in cheating and have no desire for anothe man..I want him. I don't know where to turn anymore

 

[Pagey]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds truly awful.
I'm a little cofnused though - you said you don't believe he's cheating but he's been talking to this other woman and sending pics to her/masturbating when looking at her or something? I mean to me that does sort of qualify as cheating. If he's having this relationship with her, even if it's virtual, it could explain why he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. If you've tried talking to him about it and he's entirely unresponsive I really think you should get out of this relationship now...it sounds dreadful and you deserve better.

 

[motherofearth]

It sounds like you are quite a catch and most men in a relationship w/ you would be stumbling over themselves to satisfy you sexually and otherwise. I have to agree w/ Pagey and say to me his actions constitute cheating. Yet, that is subjective and changes from each person to the next. There are different boundaries amongst different people. Unfortunately, anytime I've witnessed similar situations (the utter lack of sex) it's due to a partner having a sexual outlet outside the relationship. Even if this isn't the case, the hiatus we are discussing here is practically unheard of in younger people not relatively far into their romance.

Aside from addressing this directly w/ him I think you need to find better indicators of your worth outside of this relationship. It is no surprise you feel bad about yourself when you are using an apathetic partner as your self-esteem gauge. He sounds like he means a lot to you, and that's worth fighting for..... to a point. You may need to draw a line somewhere and be prepared to lose him if he can't accommodate what seem like some really basic needs.

 

[freehugs]

You should talk to him.

 

[Lysis]

I feel ugly, rejected , undesirable and pick myself apart thinking I am gross.

Sweetheart, don't even....

People fall out of love with someone or just aren't into someone anymore and they stray. Sure, sometimes it's attraction, but usually it's not. You said yourself you stay healthy and get looks from men. He's just lost interest and that isn't necessarily your fault.

Basically, he's made the first move in the worst way, so now it's time to accept some of those sexy men's advances. Life is too short to be in a sexless relationship because the guy is sleeping around. One day you'll be 80 and kick yourself if you don't take the bull by the horns now and fix it and make yourself happy.

 

[llama112]

I'm sorry this doesn't sound like fun.
This guy is obviously not right for you! You know you're attractive, I'm sure you've got a great personality, you have a good job - there are lots of guys who would be lucky to have you.

Looking at porn, masturbating to porn, whatever ... that's OK but not when it gets in the way of your sex life ... which it obviously is. A relationship should come first!

 

[nooneanymore]

Get over the idea of having a hot, steamy relationship. What do you want, a high school romance??? ...do you think other couples in their 40s are all over each other, especially if they've been married for a long time and have kids??????

Some people get married and stick it out for the loooonnng haul and all that comes with it. Some people "date" around and have relationships of varying lenghts but usually no more than a couple years. At your age, if you aren't married already, when people meet and date they want to maintain their independence and not get too attached.

Move on or talk with him and be in it for the long haul and realize not every day or year is going to be sunshine and lolipops.

 

[motherofearth]

Move on or talk with him and be in it for the long haul and realize not every day or year is going to be sunshine and lolipops.

They've been dating for two years and they haven't screwed in over a year and a half. I'm pretty sure most couples in their fifties and sixties have more frequency than that. Just b/c she would like to maintain even a semblance of a sex life doesn't mean she is asking for a hot, steamy relationship - or lolipops and sunshine. Even if she were getting sexed she would still have to deal with her partner being a sexting jack off.

Also, how can you determine what everybody in the age bracket of 40-50 wants from their romantic pursuits?

 

[nooneanymore]

I can't determine what people want but I think I have a point about sex and age and how both change generally for the worse. Time ages us all and makes us all more jaded and less fun to be around. ...that's why aging is no fun.

For all I know, the guy could have erectile dsyfunction issues.

 

[motherofearth]

I can't determine what people want but I think I have a point about sex and age and how both change generally for the worse. Time ages us all and makes us all more jaded and less fun to be around. ...that's why aging is no fun.

For all I know, the guy could have erectile dsyfunction issues.

So, correct me if I've misread this, but you are suggesting she surrender to a sexless relationship based nothing more on her age? I didn't think people in their 40s were considered undesirably old, generally. Past their sexual prime? Probably. Less intensity? Maybe. But retired sexually? Or expected to resign to less than occasional coitus? Hardly.

 

[hyroller]

For all I know, the guy could have erectile dsyfunction issues.

And even if that were the case, any man with a healthy sexual desire for his partner would both a) discuss the matter with him/her and b) go to lengths to treat the issue via a myriad of pharmaceutical products on the market, so that they can enjoy intimate relations as any other couple does...

OP: I personally suspect there's a lot more going on than he is disclosing, regarding the other women he is communicating with behind your back. The fact that he became so defensive when caught out and told a blatant lie to begin with sends alarm bells ringing in my mind. I'm sorry he has been so dishonest and uncooperative with your efforts to discuss these things although he doesn't appear to have any intention of doing the honest thing from what you've told us. I really do think you deserve someone more appreciative and more respectful towards you...