Feels Impossible to stop

[Robpot891]

I'm 24 years old and I've been addicted to a multitude of drugs since I was 16. It all started with an ADHD diagnoses that got me on 40mg of Adderall a day which is THE cause of all my problems. 40mg turned into 100mg pretty quick then I was snorting them and buying it off friends until my script was up for renewal. Then I got into cocaine which lead to a benzo addiction for comedowns (the devils drug) and then started with Tramadol after a back injury which led to stealing oxy and vics from my grandparents.

Long story short I'm literally addicted to anything and everything. There's no such thing as a sober state for me anymore. When I'm sober I'm wracked with crippling depression, boredom and anxiety. The drugs have totally broken me as a person to the point where I cannot function whatsoever. When I'm on vacation or can't find anything I have to go to the local corner store and crush a case of beer or else I get suicidal. I can't begin to explain how much drugs have taken hold of me. My daily routine is basically wake up, take my adderall (which I don't even feel anymore), then a couple tramadols or if im lucky some hydros, then at night I'll do a bump or two of cocaine then take some ativan and then finish all off with some zopiclone for sleep. Rinse and repeat every single day.

I can't even go two hours without being high on something much less the few months it would take to get clean. I work for my dad and I can't get fired and get paid way too much for what I do so I don't even have consequences for my actions. How do people get out of this? I don't see how it's even possible. Thank god I haven't IV'd anything or I'd be dead for sure. When I'm sober I get severe depression and would kill myself in a second if I don't get my fix.

What can I possibly do?

 

[mostly-human]

If you haven't already done so, I've found one of the most practical steps you can take towards the beginning of recovery is being honest about your situation to all those around you - the only exceptions being where it may criminally implicate you or place your job security under threat.

But essentially - let all of your immediate family and friends know just how bad your situation is. If you've stolen from any of these people and/or owe them money, then be completely honest in that regard as well.

The reason I recommend this is because it makes it real - so long as you['re hiding your addiction, or even just hiding the true scope/nature of your issues, then it makes it extremely difficult to allow your loved ones into your life and to help you.


Bringing all this stuff up with the people you care about most in life can be one of the most difficult things on the Earth (emotionally). But once you've done so, you'll find you're no longer just accountable to yourself; you'll feel like your efforts to come clean will now be directly affecting your friends and family as well as your own sense of being.

It's difficult to describe this in such a way that truly reflects the affect this can have on your life.

But in short; there are people in your life (I hope! I truly hope, otherwise life gets a whole lot darker) that you would be there for if they needed you, that you would look after if they were sick and most importantly, if they had a drug addiction, you would be there to support them.. Well - these same people hopefully feel that way towards you. But one of the most upsetting things about a close family member, partner or even friend being in a difficult situation in life is that they probably also struggle greatly to open up to the help and support of those around them, in fact, sadly - most people to the exact opposite and actively push those very people away. People do this out of shame, or guilt or a whole range of emotions.. Often they feel it would be an unfair burden on their parents, or friends, or what have you. Or they're simply to ashamed of their decisions, or they're guilty about their selfish behaviour that was fuelled by the addiction..

Don't be one of those people that pushes away their family / friends..

In fact - if you *DO* decide to open up to your parents, if if they're supportive, you may find it takes literally years to earn back their trust; this is okay, this is the person you've become and you need to be honest about it and accept it.


Anyway - my point is - if you truly want to change your life, you need to admit to yourself that you do NOT have the power to help yourself, if you did, you wouldn't be in this situation. So ASK for help from those you love and let them be there for you. LISTEN to what they have to say and be humble,, accept your humiliation (the fact you're powerless against your own worst self). And hopefully this may pave the way for a true recovery.

The worst way I ever fucked myself up in life, wasn't my chronic gambling or even my drug addiction(s) - it was all the lying. I lied to my family, my friends and even my girlfriend(s) in that stage of my life.. Leading to a nightmarish double life.. And it's not like all these people didn't know *something* was wrong, they just didn't know the exact details and what is more, they ALL felt hurt that I was lying and pushing them away.

When I finally came clean to all those around me, I broke down, I cried for a long time and I let go of years of bottled up lies and secret shame.. The road forward was extremely difficult and emotional.. But the weight lifted of no longer leading a double life finally gave me the breathing space I needed.



If you truly can't open up to your family (because they would call the police or something like that), then I suggest seeking professional help through a psychologist (which you should do anyway, regardless). But don't cop-out and make excuses for not comign clean to your loved ones, there are only a few exceptions to not doing this - it means truly admitting to yourself that you may be an awful person to those who love you and this can be nearly unbearable, but it also allows you to finally be a decent person and to give others the fair opportunity to tell you the ways in which your behaviour has hurt/affected them - this gives you a chance to apologise and hopefully be forgiven.



Anyway, that is all for now, save to say - I was about your age the first time I finally stopped lying about everything; these days I still have relapses and what not.. But I can no longer stomach the lies; I tell people what is up, I let people in and I try and catch myself out in my lies to myself and to those around me.

 

[Vaya]

Hey Robpot891,

I have some thoughts but first, I'd like to move this thread over to Sober Living (as your prefix suggests, this is more of a recovery-oriented topic)

TDS >>> SL

~ Vaya

Edit: Done. Now, then, on to your question:

Reading your post sent shivers down my spine, literally. All-too-often in SL I read posts like yours that possess everything that I would have written, were I still 24 (wish I were, oftentimes...).

Begin by giving yourself proper credit; you appear to have already come to the solid conclusion that you're an addict, through and through. Be proud of yourself for this! The vast majority of people that I know who struggle with substance abuse disorders never get much past *being* an addict - and that's a pretty miserable spot to be in, as I'm sure you've discovered by now

Additionally, don't let the term 'addict' be the only word you ever ascribe to yourself, because doing so can be really self-defeating. That's a valuable character trait to have some insight into, and as long as you continue to be honest with yourself and other people about where it is you're at, you'll make progress towards living a life freed from its destructive influence.

-Are you physically dependent on any types of drugs by this point (opiates, benzos, alcohol)?

-Have you ever given thought to rehab?

-Do you feel like you are truly ready to give up the drugs, or do any reservations remain?

~ Vaya

 

[phactor]

Man, I was quite a bit like you at 24. It ended up getting worse for me. Its almost difficult to read your post for me.

Honestly, if you are having issues like you are reporting, my suggestion (not advice, I am not a medical professional) would be to go to a professional treatment center. I tried for a good 15 years to control my use, but ultimately I just could not stop on my own. Treatment was a huge step for me, I did relapse but am clean again and I also attend therapy and work an NA program.

You could try hitting up an NA meeting or two. But if you are like me, you will have to go to a medical center and get detoxed under a doctors supervision. I have been addicted to multiple substance (often physically) and it was just impossible for me to manage. It was so much damn work, its almost unreal to consider I am still here and actually was able to survive it. I feel much better clean today because I am not constantly fighting myself when it comes to using. I still have to work on issues daily, but at least I am clean. If I can do it, so can you.

You are young, take care of this now. When I was 24 was when I started the whole relapse followed by some abstinence followed by an even worse relapse etc etc. It was a nightmare.

 

[herbavore]

What I am most struck by when I read posts like this is how trust and faith have got to play a part in recovery. It makes total sense to run from the pain of being sober if sober=pain. So where is the motivation? It has to be that you have faith that life can be more than what you have previously known. If you are a person that is easily bored, how can you get adrenaline and adventure built into your life? If you are a person that feels crushing depression how can you connect to life on a deeper level, one that exists outside of your ego? It sounds like you went right to school into your Dad's business and that you have not been able to explore a larger world. What about travel? What do you love to do? I see the structure of your life helping to hold your addiction in place.