Feelings of dread.. I think my actions have caught up to me

[undergrounddlz]

Hey Bluelight, been more of a lurker, but now im in somewhat of a situation and I dont have anyone to talk to about it, probably because I dont want anyone im close to to know. Im fucked up. Iv been an on an off roller for roughly 8 months after I had found a legitimate supplier, I would usually wait at least 2 weeks in between rolls, sometimes longer, iv done quite a lot of research on mdma, despite that I have not spaced time out more as I now know I should have and am really hurting as a result.. This last wednesday I decided to drop again, at about 1 am, I really seem to have lost the magic because I dont roll like I used to, I dropped one triple stack and slightly rolled off of that for approximately 3 or 4 hours, I then popped another triple.. After which I waited a few more hours and decided to go for a swim, it was now early morning, I popped a single stack green saint before heading up the stairs to go swim. I floated around in my pool for a while, came back inside and decided to go get a haircut, popped another saint on the way out. I know this was very stupid, but I dont know what was going through my head, maybe I wanted to fucking destroy myself, or a vain attempt to somehow gain some kind of clarity and fix the fucked up shit in my life. I really cant answer these questions, and I have no idea why I did this. I felt kinda fucked up friday but still functional, went to work, came home, felt drained, passed out.. Today I just feel really dreadful like a anxiety feeling, its pretty bad, like that dreadful feeling in my chest. Iv never felt this feeling from rolls before. Supplemented with st johns and 5-htp today as well as L-Tyrosine just a little while ago..

I always pre-load with vitamin C, E, and magnesium before my rolls..

Will I be ok?

 

[cj]

Calm down deep breath everything is cool I have done worse personally and I am ok. Eat healthy get some exercise take vitamins and stop rolling for at least a year.

 

[T. Calderone]

Sounds like you are realising that "the thrill is gone." that's a good thing cos
some people don't want to see it and end up totally fucked up. If I was in
your shoes, I would probably take up some constructive hobbies to take your
mind off this stuff. Honestly, I'm a bit lazy to follow through once I sign up for
things. I would just smoke weed. ~Theresa

 

[b4rd]

It seems to me that you are under the powerful comedown that the drug produces. Also, the more you roll, the worse you will feel the days or weeks (possibly months) after the last time indulging (and you've been using for 8 months with short breaks!).

I have been where you have been before. I am now two years clean from E, and let me tell you, I feel so much better than the way I felt two years ago.

That dreadful feeling that you are describing, I think it is two things:

a) Your body with very low serotonin making you feel litterally like shit.

b) Possibly a chest pain because you have been using a lot of stimulants in the past eight months.

Just stay off the stuff, and your "grey persona" will most likely fade (with time). I have been where you are, where everything just seems awful, and the word-is-ending sort of feeling.

Honestly, I have been through the E phase, and have popped over 200 times, putting god know what into my system; and let me tell you: it was an awsome phase, and had some many good times, but I felt as if I was losing my mind, so I had to quit. Haven't touched the shit for over two years now! Now, by no means have I stayed sober, but just by cutting off the ecstasy, I feel like life is worth living again!

I am sorry if it seems that I have said that you're feeling like your life is "not worth living", I am just merely describing how I felt when I was doing a lot of E.

Hope this helps, and the only advice I can give you is stay off the E! Hope it gets better brother.

 

[Legerity]

MDMA is a nasty thing when abused. You said yourself that your rolls were not spaced out appropriately, which will guarantee side effects. The best thing would be to completely stop now and let your brain balance itself out.

It seems like most of us who getting into MDMA end up overdoing it eventually which almost completely diminishes it's effect and magnifies the side effects exponentially.

Are you willing to give yourself a break? I'm sure you will be fine if you do.

 

[b4rd]

Also, I would stay away from the st. Johns wort stuff. If you want some sort of anti-depressant, you should go to see a doctor. Just describe him what you are feeling and what is going through your head, be honest, and he will be willing to work with you with prescription meds.

st. johns wort to my understanding is similiar in action to SSRIs, so you might as well use a drug that has been tested for dangers.

 

[undergrounddlz]

I would like to sincerely thank everyone for the replys, an not one flame.. I still feel fucked up, but a little bit better, the intense feelings of dread, anxiety with the world crumbling down accompanied with intense dispare seem to be for the most part over.. Thank god, at moments I literally prayed to god, once.. I kind of feel like an entire day in dispare alone in pain in my home may have gave me some introspect ironically because so many thoughts went through my mind, every fucking negative thing in my life multiplied by 100. I could really give a fuck if I ever did x again, I want to sell all my pills, this drug has nothing else for me.. My life has always seemed to be ups an downs, I now feel as though since I have lived through this pain I am a stronger person an have a higher tolerance for discomfort, at least in comparison to a lotta people I know.. This actually gives me a good feeling, as though im more equipped.. However strange that may come off, thats just how I feel.. Tomorrow should be better.

thx so much, this is sucha chill forum, look forward to posting more an maybe giving back what I may have to offer

As far as the st johns wart, im not a big fan of pharms and I preferably avoid them, anti-psychotics in the past have never been advantageous for me.

 

[Ixchellian]

During the 90's when I was hitting the warehouse parties/raves, I pretty much did E just one or two times a month....... The day-after, or what we called the "cracked-out sundays", was enough to keep me from doing E constantly. I was around people who were enough that I could spot those who were just totally burnt out, or e-tards, from a pretty good distance. Just the spaced-out, wide-eye'd, mouthbreathin appearance was enough. ugh.
That's why I much prefer LSD.

Just to let yeh know, St. John's Wart & anti-depressants are in a totally different class from anti-psychotics (which *can* be useful even if not <wrrrooOOooo> nuts.)

 

[lostNfound]

Seems to me there are other underlying issues present.

Ecstasy is a social drug more than most.
What made you decide to get a haircut after dropping a second pill, that's the last thing that would be on my mind.

The come down will wear away, I assure you of that. I used and abused E in the past. These days I rarely touch it because the magic is long gone.
Even with everything I know I ate silly amounts and combined it with other drugs.

A diet and lifestyle IMO are the foundations of a healthy mind.

MDXX is just a drug, beneficially taken to enhance experiences that should already be fun in nature.

 

[carrion Doll]

Glad to hear you are doing better. And I am glad to hear that you have also taken something positive from your experience. Sounds like with some time, you will be better than fine. Just stay clean and keep moving forward.

 

[Cyc]

It might benefit you to know the feelings are normal. I went through a huge crash back in '00, which took me years to recover from. Be careful.

Ecstasy is a drug that seems to have little consequences during the honeymoon phase. Then one day you descend from heaven and at that point, you know it's time to pay the piper, and more often than not, the debt is massive.

 

[AndroidsDreamofBTC]

Yeah be careful dude, make sure to take longer breaks and not take MDMA on random occasions. Try and save it for those special moments...

It's really too bad that MDMA can be so emotionally/neurologically draining. It's such a good experience, especially if you have tendency towards anxiety or occasional bouts of depression. Yeah, I know MDMA isn't the best drug to be doing if you 'have issues' but hey, I've never really abused MDMA in the past 2.5 years that I have been using it.

 

[undergrounddlz]

I have used MDMA at party's, concerts, and with friends. This solo experience was rather unjustified in my mind, maybe like I said I wanted to punish myself I really do not know. I do know that I have gotten my lifetime of x usage in for a very long time if not forever, because I really don't care much anymore, yes it feels good, but the aftereffects of being in a psychotic haze for days after is just not worth it, it really effects my efficiency, luckily it is summer and im not in the process of taking college classes, will be starting up soon luckily, im the kind of person that cant sit around staring at a wall or ceiling for too long because I will literally go fucking insane, so that is something to look forward too.

The haircut was actually somewhat pre-planned as something to do the next day lol.

All in all I can value the experience because like I said I believe I can walk away with more than I came in with. This is very possibly the most intense psychological pain I have ever experienced, worse than the time my parents found out I had been kicked out of highschool for smoking pot, an having to watch my mom cry. That was years ago..

Plan on trying lsd in the future as I never have before, as I have a legitimate supplier for that as well.

I looked up "anti-psychotics" after I posted an yes that was my bad, in general I just do not trust pharms..

 

[b4rd]

I would like to sincerely thank everyone for the replys, an not one flame.. I still feel fucked up, but a little bit better, the intense feelings of dread, anxiety with the world crumbling down accompanied with intense dispare seem to be for the most part over.. Thank god, at moments I literally prayed to god, once.. I kind of feel like an entire day in dispare alone in pain in my home may have gave me some introspect ironically because so many thoughts went through my mind, every fucking negative thing in my life multiplied by 100. I could really give a fuck if I ever did x again, I want to sell all my pills, this drug has nothing else for me.. My life has always seemed to be ups an downs, I now feel as though since I have lived through this pain I am a stronger person an have a higher tolerance for discomfort, at least in comparison to a lotta people I know.. This actually gives me a good feeling, as though im more equipped.. However strange that may come off, thats just how I feel.. Tomorrow should be better.

thx so much, this is sucha chill forum, look forward to posting more an maybe giving back what I may have to offer

As far as the st johns wart, im not a big fan of pharms and I preferably avoid them, anti-psychotics in the past have never been advantageous for me.

No problem man. Yea this is a really chill forum. I am also glad to hear that you are done with the E! Trust me man, your life will be so much better without that garbage! It was fun while it lasted

 

[Zombartie]

Yea I had a very similar experience as you.
First time I tried MDMA was an amazing experience. I was only 16 and was pretty reckless.
having 4.0 in high school and being a great athlete made me cocky and I thought nothing can
touch me. Boy was I wrong! After trying it and loving it, me and my friends started to go to
raves. Of course we were also accompanied by our good friend MDMA.
However, here is the catch. Each pill is different, and you definitely don't kno what you are
taking. I don't kno where you live but if you look it up online each country and each area has
different kinds of pills. For example, Australia as of now has one of the worse if not the worse
ecstasy pill situations, as 80% of pills have other shit like Pipes, Methamphetamine, DXM.
When I was taking it here in California, our pill situation was much better. However, I rolled so many times, chances are I had consumed other stuff, without knowing with MDMA probably 50% of the time. And the other stuff they put in pills hurt you much more and much quicker than our beloved amphetamine.

Anyways, this turned out to be too long but my general point is that after using MDMA for about a year I realized, just like you, that it does not affect me the same. It only gives me the horrible anxiety, irregular heartbeat and weird thoughts that life is about to end. After that I just didn't wanna touch any other extacy pill again.
Now I m 22 and haven't had ecstasy in a couple years. Feels good man! I say just forget about it. It is kinda like if a perfect girlfriend/bf at first seemed awesome but the turned out to be weird. Then, he/she breaks up with you and you have those feelings of dread and confusion. Why didn't I break up with him before it was to late?

Alright, I agree this forum is awesome for support. I joined last week and I learned a lot and gave advice myself to a some people.

i know you will get well. Peace